235: Why Change is Hard (Even When We Know it’s Good for Us)

Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in… soak it up. Because the hustle, grind repeat mantra society has been touting for decades? It’s had it all wrong.I’m Tanya Dalton, I’m a 7-figure entrepreneur, author, speaker, mom…and rule breaker. I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential… that’s what this podcast is all about.The intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms, defying the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definitions society has made for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your everydays and CHOOSING… Choosing to see that it’s your world…and it’s filled with opportunitiesLet’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible…Let’s choose to be extraordinary.

Hello. Hello everyone. Welcome to the intentional advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tonya Dalton. This is episode 235. I have an amazing Show for you. I’m doing something a little different. I have Donna on the show and Donna is one of the alumni she’s in my intentional CEO mentorship program and she and I had a conversation during a laser coaching call that I thought would be really impactful for you.

So I want to talk about that in just a second, because I’m really excited about this episode, but it’s funny because you would never guess that I’m excited about this because I’ve really been putting off doing this introduction. And John, just now it was kind of fussing at me. He was like, you need to go record the introduction. You’ve been putting it off and putting it off.

Why are you putting it off? And I’m going to be honest with you because I think that’s who I am on this podcast. I’m honest with you about what I’m going through, kind of what life looks like. And you know, this episode is airing. I’m obviously prerecording. It they’re always prerecorded, but this episode is airing right after we have finished out the courageous choice experience,

Jack will have just gone off and had his first week of college, which is crazy. And now I’m in full book launch mode. For me, that courageous choice experience was kind of the start of what I like to call book launch season, which means this is my time now to just step into talking about the book and not just talking about the book,

but getting people to take action, getting people to pre-order the book, getting people to want to get this book into their hands. And I’ve been putting it off because this is the kind of stuff that I dread that I don’t like. I, I love the book. I am on fire for this book. Like I think that this book, if we’re being honest and you know,

I am, I think I like this book even more than I like the joy of missing out and I loved Jomo, but this well to me is just like, it’s the next level? And I feel like it’s stronger. I feel like it’s got some really good actionable strategies and tactics in it. And I think it’s really going to make you think so I don’t have a problem with talking about the book.

I have a problem asking people to support me. I have a hard time asking people to pre-order the book, because let’s be honest. When’s the last time you really pre-ordered a book. I mean, other than for somebody that I knew or that I know probably the last time that I pre-ordered a book was a Harry Potter when the seventh book came out long time ago.

And so it’s, it’s not an easy ask even though I believe in the book and I, and I, I’m so excited about the book and I know that, or during the book is an incredible experience for you guys as well, because pre-ordering the book. It guarantees that you’re going to get the lowest price whenever you pre-order the book you’re guaranteed between now and the date,

the book launches, you’re going to get the lowest price. If they do a quick price drop, if there is some sort of special they’re offering, you’re always going to get the lowest price. I also know that it’s a great way to get the book online. So on October 12th, it’ll be sitting on your doorstep because the book will arrive to you that day.

And when you pre-order the book, I have amazing. I have an incredible bonus that I’m going to be sharing with you during the mid roll throughout this month, this free opportunity that I think you’re really going to absolutely love. But the biggest thing is pre-ordering the book gives me asking for your support. It’s me saying, Hey, if you, if you like,

what we talk about here on the podcast, if you’ve gotten any value from me, then support me please. By pre-ordering the book. It means a lot, honestly, pre-ordering the book is what that tells the retailers, okay. We need this book on our shelves or okay. It can get special placement in the store. Pre-ordering is so incredibly important.

And most people have. I have no idea how important it is to an author to get these pre-orders in. This is how you can make it into stores at all. This is how you get on the front tables at Barnes and noble, instead of just getting shoved back in the back, you know, just on the shelves, it’s how Amazon knows to promote you and talk about you and recommend your book to others for people it’s incredibly important.

And so for me, I knew coming into the season, I was going to need to be relentless. I was going to need to step fully into this message of, I need you to go and pre-order the book. So I’ve been dreading it because I don’t like asking for things like that. I like giving. I do. And I think a lot of you are like me that you like to give.

And sometimes it’s hard to receive receiving is one of those things I’m working on, but this is me telling you in full book launch mode. And I’m uncomfortable with having to focus on selling the book. But I believe in the book, I believe that this book has the ability to change your life. And I believe that if I have, if I want to have any shot and making something like New York times,

or, you know, the USA today, bestseller lists or any of those lists, I need to get pre-orders. So here I am standing in a thick oozy amount of discomfort, but I’m going to keep standing in it because I ask you to stand in discomfort all the time. Don’t I push you out of your comfort zone. This is me being pushed out of mine.

So I am going to be talking about the book I am going to be talking about. Pre-ordering the book I am going to be asking you again and again, to help me get this message out into the world, by pre-ordering the book that it means a lot to me, but it means so much more to the message. And that ultimately is what gets me out of that discomfort.

So the book is now available. I have an incredible bonus. So instead of sending you to the book page, I’m going to send you to the bonus page because while the book is solid, this bonus is incredible. And I know you’re going to love it. So go to Tonya dalton.com/e L B E L B stands for extraordinary life blueprint, which is a free,

incredible brand new course. I’m going to be giving to you as my, thank you for you supporting me with the pre-order. Okay. All right. So gear up for a little bit of discomfort for Tanya. We’re going to do this together. You’re going to watch me go through this. We’re going to talk about it on the episodes. I believe in this book,

I believe this book has the ability to change your life. I want you to get the book pause right now and go get it. I would love that. All right. All right. Let’s get into today’s show enough discomfort for a first part of a show. Sound good. All right. As I mentioned, when we first started off that we are doing something a little bit different.

I have Donna on the show, Donna Sabba, who is in my intentional CEO mentorship, and Donna is going through a period of great change. Her twin boys are heading off to college. As I record this, Jack is just about ready to head off to college himself. So, you know, in my conversation with Donna, which you’re going to hear in just a few moments,

you’re going to hear. I mean, when we were talking about discomfort here at the beginning of the show, change is uncomfortable. Change is hard. Change can sometimes be one of those things where it’s you ask yourself, why am I doing this at all? Even when it’s something you want, because of that discomfort, we have to choose to see past that.

We have to choose to see what life can be like on the other side of the change. So we’re going to get into that. We’re going to talk with Donna. What I’m going to do is going to share with you my coaching session with her. She and I had a great coaching session, and I think you’re going to get a lot out of it.

And then we’ll circle back after the coaching session. And we’ll, we’ll kind of unpack a lot of what we talked about in that coaching session. We’ll talk about how we can reframe how we look at change and how we can use that as a little bit of momentum to drive us forward. All right, sound good. Let’s do this. I Donna.

Hi. So you emailed and you said I’m struggling to set habits and routines in place. I’m trying to get them going now, but I take my boys to college later on this month on two different days because they’re twins, which is good and bad. I was thinking about that for you. Cause it’s nice that they each have their own day, but it also stretches out the boys are going to college.

I feel you on that. I’m very busy now, but how do I refocus and let go, how am I working on refocusing and letting go? Cause I’ve got Jack going to college too. And you’re right. You said you plan the book launch and exactly the page. I have something to focus on. I think right now, too, like this whole idea of,

you know, what, what do you need to do right now to refocus? Why are you worried about that right now? Focus on the boys for the next, you know, three weeks while they’re home. Yes and no. It’s you have an 18 year old. So work with me. It’s on the one hand. It’s like, mom, I want you to help me with this.

And I’m like, I dropped everything. And I’m like, of course I’ll help you with this. No problem that lasts about 10, 15 minutes. And then they’re like, okay, I got it in. And so I’m. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So, but I have like a million things swimming through my head on top of that. Nothing with my business has gone right in the last year and a half.

And when I say nothing, I mean, like not a damn thing, nothing, you know what it is, what it is. Right? So, which is really frustrating because I figured by this point they would have our funding in and we would be working on our next project, which would be perfect timing because then my boys are off to school and I’ve got this big project I’m working on and then they have something to do and I have something to do and I’m not sitting here twiddling my thumbs going,

what’s my next move. Right as it is right now, I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs going, what’s my next move. And I literally take one of them. I will be on a plane one week from today, two weeks from today, I’ll be on another plane. Right. I can’t even focus, you know, to focus on the business.

I can’t even focus on that. But like, and I have a laundry list of things I want to do. So I figured maybe at least that’s a plus that I have a list. Yep. I think let’s go for the wins. What are, what are the winds? I think it’s really easy to focus in on all the things that are not going well,

all the things that are hard, but you’ve, you’ve got a list. There’s a win, it’s a small win, but it’s a win. Right. And I think Donna, the thing is right now for you, you’ve business going and it’s, it’s kind of going through some, some hard times, right? You’ve got the personal life. It’s going through hard times.

It’s a bittersweet time with boys going off to college. Trust me. I am right there next to you on that. Holden, the Holden, the Kleenex box for you because I’m going to be using it myself. Yeah. It’s tough. So what I’d like for you to do is focus, not on what you need to focus on for work, but focus on what you need.

What do you want to do? What would be nourishing and nurturing for you as a person? Not as a mom, not as a business owner, but you as you, and then let’s create some focus around that. Because I think that’s the thing is yeah. That look on your face, says it all right, where it’s like, who am I outside of being a mom and a business owner.

And you’re so much more, so it is really this idea of rediscovering who you are. Cause that’s, that is what you’re going to be. Like. You’re feeling really busy right now. The boys are going to go to college and then you’re going to have more time on your hands than you’ve ever had in the past, like 18 years. Right.

You’re going to be like, and your house is going to be cleaner. Looking forward to that. I mean, I mean, there’s the dishes. I understand what the house at nine o’clock at night and there’s dishes on the fireplace and there’s dishes on the deck and there’s dirty socks in the front door and it’s like, whatever. But then I keep telling myself,

I’m going to miss like the noise in the house. We will we’ll and I’ll miss it. And I’m frustrated because I thought I’d be farther along with the business to give me that distraction that I wanted. You know? And so I just, I don’t know, this is not something you can control. So you’re, you’re beating yourself up for something you cannot control.

Killing me is I have no control over this, right? So what we need to do is focus on what you can control, right? You can’t control how the funding is going for the business and some of those things, and some of those timelines are outside of your hands. So you can’t control what you are choosing to do with your time, which you’re choosing to do instead of ruminating what you can choose to do,

like how you can react, how you can respond. Because what I would love for you is when you go to drop the boys off at school, that you have plans in place for girlfriends to come over the next weekend or to go out and have drinks or to go take the course at the community college you’ve been talking about doing for forever or reigniting that passion you’ve had for whatever,

right? This is your time to pour into you and to not, do not feel guilty for that. I Did that list of, I don’t know if you’ve heard Laura Vanderkam on her podcast. She said the list of a hundred dreams. Yeah. So I did a list of a hundred dreams, like a hundred things you would want to do. And so I was talking to my sister and she said,

so what are you doing? Like I come back on the 21st I think. And she said, so what are you doing on Monday the 23rd? And I said, what do you mean, what am I doing in Monday the 23rd? And she goes, I don’t care what it is, but you better put something on the calendar for Monday the 23rd.

Cause that’s the day they start school. And yes, I absolutely agree. I mean, you’ll, you’ll notice I have an event that starts, it’s not a coincidence. Right? I’ve created a way for me to have a nourishing distraction. It’s something that I’m excited about. Something that feels really good, but it’s, it’s something that’s going to allow me to focus on something other than how much I miss Jack at school.

Right. So I agree. You need to have some things lined up that are for you, not for the business, what the things you can control are what’s going on in your calendar for your personal life. You can control some of those things. You can control how you’re reacting to all these things. Right now I laugh because we were saying, we’re going to hold it together while we’re taking Jack to school.

You know, cause the three of us were taking Jack to school, John Kate, and I she’s like, we’re going to hold it together. And then we’ll cry the whole way home. And then we’re not going to cry anymore. I don’t like, sounds like a plan. I’m not sure if I can hold up to that end. I’m not crying afterwards,

but we’re going to really try, right? Like I’m giving myself some time to like mourn this change. But I think it’s like, anything else change is hard. And when we think about the kids going off to college, that is a big transition. And it’s funny, I heard something of the day that that was really interesting. You think about that change of going from 13 year olds to being 18 year olds,

right? From being kids to being adults and it’s ugly. It is so ugly. It’s full of acne and gangly arms and all kinds of like smells that you can’t even talk about and dishes on the fireplace and in the sink and everywhere else. But then you get them there, right? And they’re 18. And then one day they’re 20 and they’re 25 and they become adults that changed.

That transition is hard. And I think us pretending like when change happens, it’s easy. That’s a lie that we tell ourselves change is hard. Even if you’re a person who’s primed for it. You and I have been planning for this change for over a year. We knew it was coming right. And yet it’s still difficult. It’s still hard because change is difficult.

And there’s going to be some ugly parts, some parts where we are crying, there are going to be parts where we are sad and we are, you know, so what we can control is how we get there, that we can accept that there’s this cause there’s going to be some ugliness in here, but we know we’re going to make it through that.

We’re going to make this transition and you’re going to get to a place where you’re going to think for yourself. First of all, this is amazing for the boys. They’re stepping into an adulthood that is so exciting. I can’t, when people ask me how I feel about, you know, Jack going to school and I’m like, I can’t really convey my excitement for him.

And it’s just like, the whole world is right in front of you. Right. But I also can’t convey how at the same time I’m excited, but I am sad. Like I’m, and I’m not sad because I’m never going to see him again. I’m sad because it means things change for my family. And I love my family. I’m happy with how my family works.

And so the whole idea of this shift feels unwelcomed. And so it really is embracing the change, knowing it’s going to be ugly. But knowing that when you get to the other side, it’s going to be a little, all been worth it. Right. But you got to take care of you while this change is happening. That’s What I got to focus on because you’re right.

I can’t control the business. So what I’ve got to do is focus on the next thing, which is really me, Which is really you and not feel bad for focusing on you. So giving yourself some time, like carve out time for that week after they go to school for you just to go for a walk and think about what would I, what can I do?

What do I want to do? I love how Laura Vanderkam talks about the a hundred dreams. Sometimes dreams seem really big. So you could even bring it down and just say, what is the a hundred things? I just want to do little things, tiny things, Some are small. And so I think maybe what I’ll do is I’ll just pepper that week with a bunch of things that I want to do.

And like you said, maybe some girlfriends, I honestly, I didn’t even think of that. I don’t even know why that wasn’t even on the radar, but I definitely should set something like that for that week too. For Sure. Yes. That would be good. Late night with your husband would be great going out to dinner. What’s that like?

Yeah. I think this is not cooked that entire week. I think you should not cook that entire week. I think you should plan to go to Monday through Friday, you go to a different restaurant that you love each one of those nights. That, I mean, that, that sounds like something to look forward to it doesn’t that sound like fun.

Sound like fun. So do things that sounds fun. Do things that sound like they would feel good. It’s okay to take some time and take care of you. This is really an amazing time for you in that you are not only are they stepping into their adulthood, but you are stepping into your adulthood as well. This is our second adulthood, right?

When the kids leave the nest, we’re not old, we still have a whole lifetime ahead of us. That is a new opportunity. And if we choose to see this as a new opportunity, instead of the closing of a door, God is saying this to myself at the same time, right? If we choose to see this as an opportunity, it totally shifts the way that we look at this.

He’s got so much to be excited about. We have so much to be excited about you and me. We do with kids going to college. We do for sure we do. And you’re lucky too, because you have one more that you still, you still get to hold on to that a little bit longer with Kate. You’re still get to have her around for a little bit longer,

which is exciting. That’s exciting. It is. You’ll get focus too that maybe she didn’t have one. Her brother was around. So that’s kinda nice Too. I think so. I think this is a thing. Change is always difficult, but the universe is doing this for us. It’s a good thing. Our kids leave you. And many times it’s not,

you know, the thing that we pray for, the things that we ask for, sometimes we have a very specific way that we think we want them to look and it’s not what we need. What the boys need is independence. I wanted the business stuff to be going. That’s what I want is I want us to be hitting the ground running. And that is what is frustrating.

The hell out of me is I’m not where I want to be. And I guess what I, what I’m most upset about is I’m most upset because I’m thinking, well, I can’t enjoy myself and I can’t take time for myself unless I’m have everything else running. Do you know what I mean? Like I’m getting them to school. And then everything with the business is like moving.

Like why would I take time for myself? If not everything else is lined up, but that’s really, that doesn’t make any sense. But have you thought of it this way? Maybe the universe has set it up so that you’re not working because you are supposed to take time for you. And if things were running on all cylinders with the business, you wouldn’t have the bandwidth,

the time, the space, the grace to give to yourself, you would just keep running on empty. The universe is always for us. It’s never against us. We have to remember that. Even when things are hard, I never thought of it like that one. And I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t have that. I probably also wouldn’t be more stressed about taking them to so,

Absolutely. So this is a gift. What if we shifted it? And we decided this is a gift. That business is not crazy. That you have some time to come home to plan dinner, which you are doing right dinner with your husband. Yes. Five nights in a row, five different restaurants that you are excited about. Drinks with your girlfriends,

give yourself, pour into you. And then things will start to come. You’re going to get there. You’re going to get there. Thank you. Absolutely good luck. It’s always good. Thank you. Good luck to you. I will be dropping off on the 20th is Jack’s move-in day. So we’ll be moving in kids on the same day. There you Go.

I’ll be thinking about you. Thank you. I’ll be thinking about you as well. It is tough. All of this, all of these things that we go through, these changes and transitions, there are difficult, whether we’re talking about in our personal life or in our business, anytime we’re stepping into something new, it can feel, it can feel hard.

And I think that’s true. That’s kind of a thread that we see through all these things that we talk about in the, in the course in the program and everything else, because we’re constantly evolving and changing and growing extraordinary is a choice. I start the podcast each week with that phrase, but is that true? Have you listened to it and thought,

no, that’s not true. Or maybe it is for some people, but not for it took me a long time to see that for myself, that I could choose to make life work for me. Just like we’re talking about here on the podcast, this season, it’s all about designing a life on your terms, the goals, the dreams, the aspirations,

all of that was within reach. Once I understood how it all works, and I want you to feel like you can do it too. I want you to see that if I could do it, you can do it. I want you to have the clarity. I want you to have a vision that is so clear. You can’t help, but to succeed at is absolutely what I want for you.

So I have created a transformational course called the extraordinary life blueprint, a paint by numbers system to set up your year for success. Then that sound great to set up your year for success. And it’s so easy to do. I run through my signature methodology so you can turn any dream or any goal into a reality. You’ll walk away with an action plan for the next 12 months.

So you always feel empowered to know and to take the next steps. Decision-making confidence is yours. And here’s the best part. Are you ready for this for a limited time, I’m giving you this course for free. Yeah. For free. You have until the end of September to grab this deal. Because after that it’s full price. All you have to do is pre-order a hard copy of my new book on purpose.

So for the price of the book, you get the extraordinary life blueprint for free, just head to Tonya dalton.com/e L B for details. Honestly, pre-ordering the book is one of the best ways you can support me and show me that you have found this podcast helpful. So it’s a win-win for both of us, then that sounds good. You get the,

you get this brand new course, absolutely free. Just go to Tonya dalton.com/e L B and get yourself signed up. Hey, Let’s talk about that coaching session I had with Donna, because even though we’re talking about Donna’s kids going off to college, and I think honestly, that’s gotta be harder with both of them going at the same time, but even though we’re talking about that empty nest season in her life,

we all go through transitions. Whether it’s with our kids, when they go to preschool or go to kindergarten or start their first year of high school or those kinds of milestones, or we’re stepping into something brand new change is really difficult. And it’s hard to really look at how, how it’s all lining up for us. And a lot of times when we’re going through great changes,

it’s really well to go circle back to that whole idea from the star of the show. It’s and I think we always believed that it should be smoother. It should be easier. It should be this cakewalk, so to speak. And it’s not, you know, I talk about in that coaching session, that whole idea of that change, we go through,

you know, from 13 to the age of 18, how it’s ganglion, arms and acne and body of like nobody’s business. Trust me, I know this because I live in a house with two teenagers right now, but there’s this ugliness that happens. And we well, so what happens is when we’re going through a change, we think, well, this must be wrong or this must be bad,

or this is not what I’m supposed to do when really, if we just start accepting that this is part of the process, I think that would be incredibly powerful. You know, I think about when we’re going through change, it’s like a bird landing on a branch. And we feel like when we land on this change, that it should just be the solid footing.

But it’s really more like a bird landing on a branch that when have you ever watched a bird flying through the air and it approaches the branch. It does it with confidence, the Bauhaus weighs and moves. It doesn’t stay stagnant and still it shifts with the weight of the bird, but they have to trust that that branch is going to hold them. They have to trust that it’s going to move that there’s going to be these shifts as they stabilize.

And they, they get themselves centered. What if we approach change and our goals and our dreams in that same way? What if we expected the wobble? What if we anticipated that shifting underneath us? And we just accepted it as an expectation to know that these shifts and this uncertainty, this, you know, maybe even loss of your footing, isn’t a sign that you’re on the wrong track.

It’s a sign that evolving is happening. Change is happening. And I think we see that in Donna’s story, how she talked about this idea that she expected the business to be in a different place and it’s not. And that’s hard when we lay these expectations out for ourselves. Donna was looking to fill that hole of her kids being gone through work, through throwing herself into her work.

And I believe the universe really is working for Donna. And that the universe is like, throw yourself into you. There’s a lot of guilt that we go through when we spend time focusing on ourselves, but that’s the beauty of change. It allows you to step back and reflect and look and assess and decide. It allows you to choose, choosing to step away from what was and stepping into what will be.

I think that’s an incredible choice to make that truly is living a life on your own terms. And I think when we start to accept that there’s going to be this shifting and that sometimes it means that things aren’t lining up and pretty little rows. Like we want them to life, rarely lines up and pretty little rows. Like we want it to, I know for me behind the scenes,

there’s a lot of shifts that are happening, not just with Jack going away to school, but shifts in my business and how I’m running things in my business. And a lot of times I think w why is this happening to me? Why is this, why is this going on? And really, as I’m going through and assessing where I am, I’m finding my way.

I’m finding my place. I’m finding what feels even more aligned. And if I had just carried on with just the status quo, with the way things were before, without some of this shaking up without my branch shifting and moving, as I land on it, I wouldn’t assess, I wouldn’t change. I wouldn’t shift anything. And this shift is good.

It’s so good right now. And we’ll get to a place where I can share some of what’s going on behind the scenes, besides the book launch, but we lose sight of that sometimes when we’re in the thick of it. So I want to encourage you, whatever you’re looking to change, whatever you’re wanting to step into in your life. Step into it.

Know that that branch is going to shake a little bit, know that it’s going to maybe bend slightly, but just make a plan to shift with it, to counterbalance, to find your way. Because honestly, I used to pray to God to show me the path I used to pray and say, show me the path and I will stay true to it.

And God is showing me. Now I’ve been on the path all along your path has been designed for you. It has. We just have to believe it. We have to trust it. We have to know that there’s going to be rocks and brambles and shaky branches that are going to make us question from time to time. But you are on the right path,

regardless of what that path looks like. Regardless if you’re ready to change where that path leads, because when you decide that change is going to happen and you step fully, completely 100% into it with the knowledge that this is happening for you, that’s when you have the intentional advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today. Quick question though, before you go,

do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the intentional advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloattonyadalton.com with a screenshot. I choose one winner at the end of every month. So go ahead. Do it right now. Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way.

Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course, I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast. And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it.

So there you go. Two great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it, send that screenshot my way, because I want to give you a free course. And thanks again for listening today. I’ll be back next Tuesday and I’ll plan to see you then.

 

**The Intentional Advantage is a productivity podcast for women with a female host. This transcript for the show was made using AI.

 

Tanya Dalton is a female productivity expert and keynote speaker. She is considered a top woman keynote speaker on the subject of finding balance, time management and productivity.