233: Having the Confidence to be Authentically You

Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades. It had it all wrong. I’m Tanya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur bestselling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms.

Define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definitions. Society’s name for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your everydays and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world. And it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.

Let’s choose to be Jordan airy. Hello, and welcome to the intentional advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 233. Now we are several episodes into our Newest season, which is all about designing a life on your terms. And last week we had Ashley stall on the show. It was a fabulous episode. She and I chatted about how to figure out what you want.

And I love Ashley’s tips. I love her ideas and our strategy, but I mean, if we’re being honest here, it’s not just that easy as figuring out what you want. And then suddenly it becomes the super easy, you know, smooth path for you. Because once you figure out what you want, you got to step into it. You have to take action.

We’ve talked about this idea before this concept of it’s not enough just to think or believe you have to act on it as well. Right? So the truth is stepping into what you want means. Sometimes having a little bit of discomfort, anytime that you are trying something new, stepping into a new chapter in your life, trying out changing direction, doing any of those things means there’s going to be a period of figuring things out of really understanding how you’re going to do this,

how you’re going to accomplish it. And that comes with discomfort. Now, the week that this episode goes live is actually the week that Jack is leaving for college. And I could talk about it right now without breaking down into just a messy ball of tears because I’m prerecording this. So we’re a few weeks away from it. It’s, there’s still a little bit of distance.

I have moments, absolutely. Of just like it’s so hard, so bittersweet, but this is a perfect example of what it’s like starting a new chapter in your life. I mean, for Jack, it’s a new chapter in his life of stepping into adulthood. So there’s some fear, definitely with that of uncertainty, of not being certain of what things are going to look like when he goes to college,

there’s a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for me as his mom. I mean, things are changing for us in, in my, in my home. We’re going from a family of four to a family of three. And the idea of that is just, it’s overwhelming. If we’re doing totally being honest here, he leaves for college. If you’re listening today,

this goes live. He leaves on Friday. We’re going to take him up to school. He’s going to high point university. And I know it’s going to be difficult. I know it’s going to be hard. It’s already hard. I think about when Jack was, you know, when Jack was about to go to kindergarten. And when I say about,

I mean, like in April, before he went to kindergarten in August, I remember going to dinner with John. We had like a date night and literally in the middle of dinner with this nice restaurant and we’re having this conversation and I just like break down bawling, like crying, crying, crying. I’m sure the other people at the tables were like,

oh my God, that guy is breaking up because I was such a mess. But it was really just talking about what was it going to be like when he started kindergarten? You know, how’s that going to change everything now he’s this. While at the time I thought he was a big kid. He was five right now. He’s a big kid.

He’s six foot, three and 18 years old. But I remember thinking everything is going to change. And while I was excited about things changing for him, I was excited about the way that our family was evolving just as I am now, it was also unsettling. I like the way things are right now. And then the funny thing is, you know,

he went to kindergarten, clearly did just fine, went on to first grade, second grade and so on. And we adjusted and we got used to it, but there’s this period, almost like a process of mourning, knowing that things are never going to be the same things are never going to be the same, but yes, he’s going to come home.

He I’m still going to be able to see him. We’re still gonna text and chat and do all those things. But it’s just, my world is not going to be the same after this Friday because, oh gosh, here I go. Keep it together. Tanya, come on. My world is not going to be the same. And that’s a hard thing.

That’s a scary thing. And it makes me sad. And so it’s okay. If the idea of stepping into what you want is frightening. If it’s upsetting, if it’s sad, even if what you had before, isn’t what you, you know, you’ll still have this mourning process because we’re comfortable with where we are. And I think if we remind ourselves that with great change,

it’s like a birthing process. You know, when we’re birthing something new, it’s just like birthing a child. There’s pain, there’s discomfort. There’s all these things that happen to get you what you want. And it’s no different when we’re birthing something new into the world, like shifting into a new career or having our child leave for college or kindergarten, both very emotional times.

You know, whether it’s, it’s shifting your relationship with people, maybe you’re going through a period of, of divorce or you’re going through a period of transition or there’s a lot of things that can be happening. But when they happen, it’s going to be slightly painful. It’s going to be uncomfortable. And I think if we sit here on the show and we pretend like it’s just going to be sunshine and lollipops,

that’s a lie. And I can’t do that. I can’t tell you that stepping into what you want, designing a life on your own terms is easy, but it is going to be what you want. Ultimately designing a life on your term is ultimately about you standing in your power. You deciding to be authentically you, regardless of what anybody else thinks,

not caring, what the naysayers say or, or what they think or how they’re going to react. Today’s episode is all about standing in your power and addressing the fear that comes with designing a life on your own terms with that birthing process, which like I said is uncomfortable because really what it means is sometimes you’re going to go against the status quo. You know,

that collection of voices in society that makes you afraid of moving forward to the life you want to design for yourself, or that makes you feel guilty for ever even thinking for one second, you could step out of line and that’s normal. That’s okay. You know, we started off our lives, not these lives, but like the human experience in tribes and these small tribes,

and you didn’t want to go against the tribe. You don’t want to step outside of the tribe because it meant most times certain death because the tribe worked together. So we have that hardwired into us, this idea that we need to belong and to do that, we have to conform and we have to change what we want or we have to, we have to just make,

do that. This is just the way life is. So the status quo, that’s the big elephant in the room that I just want to grab a hold of and shut out the door. That’s what I want us to do today. So if you’re feeling like it’s time to do the same to those elephants, the obstacles, the, you know, annoying voices that keep budding in and telling you,

you have to compromise on your joy. Then that’s what today’s episode is for. That is for you to really understand that you have the ability to do this. We’re going to shift, we’re going to explore some ways you can tap into the power of choice today. The power to choose is really that theme. We’re going to see throughout many of these episodes of this season,

probably the next season. And it’s definitely the heart of the book on purpose that comes out in October. You know, when we use our power of choice, we can find ways to not only create our own rules, but to sometimes even rebel against the existing rules, the hustle and grind culture, the one size fits all obsessed society. And ultimately what I want is I want you to feel a hundred percent safe and secure and empowered to embrace that rebel within you,

to maybe push a little bit against the status quo. We’re not talking about, you know, throwing the rules out the window or, you know, being an outlier completely from society, but it’s really about designing your own life, designing your own path. And sometimes it does mean stepping outside of what is the norm or what is expected. All right,

shaking things up is a really important thing to do in our lives. You know, and there’s not much more that gets me really fired up than to take life, head on and talking about this idea of the power of choice that we have using it to cultivate courage deep within us building momentum that propels us forward in every sense of the word. That’s really what I want.

So let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about the status quo and some of those tired, old rules that we’ve been playing for far too long, especially as women. We have a lot of rules as women. And I know there are a lot of false beliefs that I myself have held about what I should and shouldn’t do as a woman, as a wife,

as a mom, as an entrepreneur, you name it, there’s rules for every role that I play, it feels like, and I’m sure you feel that way too. That it’s very common for us to be playing by the rules, blindly following them until we wake up and realize, wait, I don’t have to do this anymore. And in fact,

I’ll be happier if I make my own choices, instead of letting society, letting the mob as a whole to decide how you’re going to live. And I want you to, I want you to think about this. Some of the rules you’ve been playing by some of the misconceptions, like being a good means, putting off your personal dreams until the kids have grown up and moved out of the house.

Wow, that’s a big one. I guarantee there’s some of you right now who are like, yep. Hm. I can’t be a good mom and chase after my dreams. Not at the same time. And that’s not necessarily a real rule of a truthful rule, or what about that? A great businesswoman should not come off as too aggressive or too confident,

even though society has given us thousands, thousands, and thousands of examples of men embracing confidence as a springboard to get what they want. We have to be careful. We don’t want to be called a bitch. We will do just about anything, not to be called bossy or bitchy. So we play by these little tight, tight rules, or maybe the rules tell you that you have to stay in your dead end job because you’ve already invested your time in it.

And this is what’s expected. And if you back out now that would be failing or that you’d given up, right? There’s a long list of these awful rules that we’ve been touting around. And the problem is, is these rules are so arbitrary. They really are. We’ve heard all of them. We’ve embraced a few that we definitely don’t agree with or don’t serve us.

And they certainly don’t allow us to have the happiness that we truly want, but we’ve, we’ve given into the rules because that’s what we think we’re supposed to do. We’ve all suffered from it because the more we give in to the false ideas about what life should and should not be like plays into those ideas. And it keeps us from stepping out into the greatness you were really designed for.

And yes, these rules are arbitrary and yet somehow incredibly strict, they change all the time. And you’re really, really tight. And we do our damnedest to live by them all the while we’re wondering, is this what life is really all about? So let’s remember rules are meant to be broken. They are meant to be broken. They’re meant to be changed.

And if that makes you uncomfortable, okay? Okay. We can say rules are meant to be bent. They’re meant to be twisted. They’re meant to be contorted because who set up these rules in the first place who set these rules up for us? I don’t know. I really wish I had an answer here because it’d be even easier to push up against them,

but we have these rules that we think we’re supposed to do. And the more that we distance ourselves away from what we truly want, that life of happiness, a life that fills our cup and is aligned with our own personal values and passions accomplishing the big dreams that are unique and special to us. The more we distance ourselves from that we want the harder it becomes to really believe that it’s possible.

And I want you to remember it is possible. It is absolutely possible to have the life you want to design a life on your own terms because let’s be real. Life is definitely not a one size fits all situation. You don’t exactly. Look like the person sitting next to you or standing in front of you at the checkout line. For a reason,

you are unique. You are different, you are special and your life should reflect that level of individuality that you possess. So the real question here is what do you want life to look like? What does it look like to you? Not to your mother, not to your best friend, not to your cousin, not to the, to your boss,

not to, to anyone else. What does life look like to you? The truth is it takes courage to design a life on your own terms. It’s not an easy road to follow, but honestly it doesn’t mean it’s incredibly hard either. You know, in an earlier episode this season, I talked about a saying, that goes, you become what you tolerate.

I love that saying, because I think it’s really true. I want you to think about that for a minute. You become what you tolerate. What are you tolerating right now? What are you tolerating that isn’t serving you, that isn’t serving the incredible life that you want for yourself that maybe you want for your family, that maybe you want for your business?

What are you tolerating? Because when we can understand that we can step back and we can give ourselves permission to figure out what’s no longer serving you and you can consider how letting go of some of these rules might free you up. These rules you’ve been living by for far too long. If we loosen up the chains of these rules, these tight little boxes we’ve been crammed into what might life look like?

So you got to embrace a little bit of the rebel within just a little bit of the rebel. I’m not saying you have to go counter to society again. You don’t have to be an outlier, but the truth is, and trust me on this true success, doesn’t come from following the rules. At least not in the way you’ve been told. It’s time to stop compromising with yourself.

It’s time to stop telling yourself this is just how life is. And someday I’ll get better. It’s time to stop saying that. It’s all right. Not to be happy. It’s all we have to stop that it’s time to stop compromising with yourself because the time to live your life is right now. Not some distant date in the future. When your kids go away to college or you retire,

or you hit, you know, a certain milestone, the time to enjoy life is right now in the moment. Life is such an incredible, amazing gift. And we squander it away because we’re so busy living by the rules. Happiness, joy, true life comes from making the choice to live on your terms for yourself. No matter what the naysayers think.

No matter if the path, your mentor or your friend or your family member looks a little different, it doesn’t matter if their path is different. You have your own path. Remember different is good because you like everyone else in this world was meant to stand out. We were not meant to blend in. So we’re going to talk a little bit about this idea of embracing that inner rebel in just a few minutes.

But before we do that, I want to take a quick mid episode break. Clearly there is a theme with this season. We are talking a lot about the power of choice that you get to Choose the life. You have to design life On your own terms. And when I was coming up with this season, I knew I wanted to go big with a free event.

I wanted to go really big and I want it to be really accessible. I wanted to create an experience to show you that it’s by choosing that we get to live the life we want. So I have pulled together an incredible five day live free event called the courageous choice experience. The unconventional choices, powerful women make to live on purpose. I want you to listen to that little line.

I said, they’re the unconventional choices. Powerful women make to live on purpose because it does take choosing to have that life you want. So what I’ve done is I’ve pulled together 15 of some of the most amazing some of the strongest Women. I know these are women who Have spoken on Ted stages. These are women who are running multiple seven and eight figure businesses.

These are women who are bestselling authors. These are women on TV. These are women who have every definition of success out there, and they did it by choosing, by making courageous choices. So join us, go to Tanya dalton.com/choice. I would love to see you there because this event is unlike anything else I’ve ever seen. I’ve really designed it to feel like it’s a behind the curtains speech it’s behind the scenes.

These women are going to be sharing choices, parts of their journey that never spoken about publicly. A lot of them have never talked about some of these aspects of, of their choices. They haven’t, they haven’t shared it. So this is not women who are talking about what they’re known for. This is not, you know, a summit where everybody’s touting what their expertise is.

This is the true story. This is what happens when they’re alone and they’re making choices. And I know you’re going to leave this event inspired and ready to take action in your own life. So, as I mentioned, it’s absolutely free. I would love to have you there go to Tanya dalton.com/choice to sign up, Right? Let’s talk about some ways that you can really embrace a little bit of that inner rebel.

I mean, quite frankly, that’s what we’re talking about here, because it is you standing tall, standing strong, standing confident in your beliefs. So I’m going to talk about some ways that you can really do that. And the first one is ask yourself the right questions. And of course, that starts with understanding your why, why do I get fired up about certain things?

Why do I love what I do? Why do I feel like I want to do these things? And, and what, what is your purpose? What is your gifts? What are the talents that you have? What are the gifts that are unique to you? What is it about life that gets you fired up and inspires you? What brings you joy?

Like absolute true unadulterated, joy? What is it you want more of in your life? What do you want to do? Why asking yourselves these what questions and these why questions really allows you to start to peel back those layers? And you’ve heard me say peel back the layers. We talk about that all the time here, right? But that starts by asking questions.

And it starts with us understanding who we are. That’s really what this is all about is who are you? And what’s important to you because we have to stop comparing ourselves to everybody else. When we stop focusing in so much on these invisible rules, that society puts in place for no other reason, other than to keep us playing small and stuck inside those tiny little boxes.

That’s what keeps us from reaching our true potential from living a life on purpose, a life based on our own terms. So we want to walk away from worrying about what everybody else is doing and focus in on who you are, who are you. And trust me when you start to understand that incredible, beautiful things happen. The moment we stop playing along and we start listening to who it is,

we are at the heart of us, who we are authentically and completely, and why we want to do it. That’s when real success comes. That’s when we redefined success on our own terms. That’s when true joy happens. Not at that later date, not past the finish line, not when you retire, but today, every day, that’s when the rich fulfilling lives.

We imagine that’s when they become possible. So it starts by asking those questions. Who are you? What is it you want to do? Why do you want to do it? And it’s okay. If you sit down and nothing comes at first, it may take you asking the question several, several times. It may take you asking that question over the course of a couple of days.

Don’t rush yourself. It’s okay, but do start asking yourself those questions. The second tip I have for you is to prioritize your why, and then stand your ground. If your journey is anything like mine, then chances are, you’re going to run into some stumbling blocks. There’s going to be a few setbacks. There’s going to be some detours on the path.

There’s going to be some obstacles. Sometimes those obstacles are things. Sometimes they’re projects. Sometimes there are people, all of those can be in our way. And you know what? That’s just part of the process. It’s not going to be a smooth open path. As we talked about at the beginning of the show, that whole idea of birthing into something new means there’s going to be a little bit of discomfort.

So I want you to give yourself permission to keep moving forward, to stand your ground and do the thing, whatever it is. Anyway, you know, the best, most influential, the most inspiring people of the world. That’s what they do because no one found success or tapped into their purpose or achieve life on their own terms. Without running into a few trolls,

there’s going to be trolls on your path. And when I say trolls, I mean, there’s going to be some people who stick their foot out to trip you up. That’s true. That’s true. And you know, sometimes people look at that as an affront that you’re living your life differently than them, because they’re not really happy with how their life is going.

So there’s some of those trolls out there, and there’s a chance you’re going to run into a one or two or 10 of those. And it’s not just the trolls. It’s also sometimes the well-meaning friends and family members who sabotage you a little bit. Not because they don’t love you or they don’t want what’s best for you. They actually do their, their actions are motivated by love.

They don’t want you to move out of your comfort zone because they know that you’re comfortable. So they worry. And they’re fearful of what it’s going to look like. And if they see you in this birthing process, if they see you working hard to get to where you want to go, they think that maybe it’s, it’s easier for you just to stay on the couch in your sweat pants,

watch a Netflix, right? There’s this great old story about a man walking down a forest. And he sees this tree with a Chrysalis, with a butterfly in it. And the butterfly is struggling and struggling and struggling to get out. And if he can tell that this butterfly is really doing its best to, to come out of this cocoon. And so he w he rushes over and he pulls out a little knife and he makes a slit in the cocoon.

So the butterfly can slip out easily. And when he does that, the butterfly comes out of the cocoon and drops straight to the ground. Can’t flap, its wings can’t fly and it promptly dies. The butterfly he has to beat its wings. It has to struggle to get out of the cocoon, to build up the strength, to build up the muscle so that once it emerges on its own,

it can spread its wings wide and flat, beautifully away and onto its life bouncing from flower to flower. And that’s sometimes what our friends do to us. Our family members do that as well, where they’re well-meaning they’re well-intentioned, but they just want to help. They want things not to be a struggle. They want things to be easy. So they clipped the cocoon and we flutter straight to the ground.

What we want, we want to build up those muscles. We want to, we want to be able to prove to ourselves that we can do it. Because when we do that, we feel stronger. We feel more confident, and I can promise you, there is not one single person on this planet who has built greatness for themselves by being comfortable every day,

not one. So lean in, enjoy the ride, enjoy beating your wings against the cocoon to build up that strength so that when the cocoon bursa you’re off and flying, you’re on your way. That friends that is incredibly powerful, recognizing and realizing that it’s through some of the struggle that we gain our strength. And that leads me to my third tip,

which is instead of letting fear get in your way. Cause I know this is a huge pain point when it comes to this idea of choosing life on your own terms, instead of allowing fear and these impossible, what ifs that come up for us. When we, when we fear, ask yourself instead to focus on the, what is and the what we’ll be focusing on the truth of where it is you’re going.

Having an end in mind is really powerful. And I have found that by no longer comparing myself to others, not that I don’t have moments where I do, I’m still human after all, but when I allow myself to make my own rules that maybe go against what the world tries to tells me what to do that when I focus in on what I know to be true deep down,

that’s crucial for me, feeling confident, feeling empowered, to stand strong. We all need evidence of our own incredible power to choose. We all have past experiences that tell us that we can choose and that we can make decisions that will propel us forward towards that ideal version of our lives, of what we imagine. And it’s not just that when we’re not careful when we’re not being intentional and truly tapping into the unique vision we have for ourselves,

we let that background noise of the status quo. We let it throw us off. We become what we believe. I’ve said that to you a thousand times before, haven’t I, we become what we believe. So instead of allowing yourself to believe something that truly does not serve you and that constantly threatens to hold you back. What if instead you made the courageous inspired choice.

If you decided to choose right here and right now to do something different, what have you choose to say to hell with the rules and the status quo and to live life on your own terms instead you become what’d you tolerate. So be sure what you’re tolerating is truly serving you and the ideal life that you want. And of course we can’t talk about making courageous choices without talking about the courageous choice experience.

So make a plan, pause the podcast right now. If you have not reserved your seats, I want you to pause it right now, head to Tanya dalton.com/choice because that’s a week, the courageous choice experience, where we are really going to start to understand the power of choosing. I’m going to be sitting down with some of the most incredible change makers in this world who have tapped into their own unique power of choice.

And they’ve used that to design a life of their own terms. So if they can do it, if I can do it, you can do it. That’s a promise I have for you. This event, this experience will leave you change. That is not even a question. I know you’re going to walk away feeling ready to choose. So don’t miss out.

I want you to sign up for your spot right now, go to Tanya dalton.com/choice for all the details. Because when we stand strong, when we make choices like attending an event like this, or to beat our wings against the cocoon, when we choose to stand in who we are, when we understand that we have the power to choose the direction our life goes,

that is when we have the intentional advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today. Quick question though, before you go, do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the intentional advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloatTanyadalton.com with a screenshot.

I choose one winner at the end of every month. So go ahead. Do it right now. Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way. Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course,

I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast. And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it. So there you go. Two great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it,

send that screenshot my way, because I want to give you a free course. And thanks again for listening today. I’ll be back next Tuesday and I’ll plan to see you then.

 

 

** The Intentional Advantage is a top productivity podcast for women. This transcript for episode 233 was created using AI.

Tanya Dalton is one of the best female keynote speakers on time management, goal setting and finding balance. As a woman productivity expert, she has great strategies to help women be more productive.