245: Addressing the "Selfish" Question with Shelly Tygielski | Tanya Dalton
Shelly Tygielski podcast interview on The Intentional Advantage
November 16, 2021   |   Episode #:

245: Addressing the “Selfish” Question with Shelly Tygielski

In This Episode:

Is it selfish to go after my big dreams and goals? That’s almost always the first question I get when I talk about living on purpose. We women are used to making sure everyone is taken care of before we worry with ourselves. What if we could turn that around? What if we could let go of feeling selfish so that we actually could make the impact we want in the world around us? Today’s episode will inspire you to rethink self-care and reframe how you show up for yourself.

Show Transcript:

The Big Idea

Is it selfish to go after my big goals and dreams?

Questions I Answer

  • Is it selfish to do the things I want to do?
  • How can I make an impact?
  • What does self care look like?
  • How can I change how I view myself?
  • Can I really make a difference?

Actions to Take

Key Moments in the Show

[05:35] How being kidnapped as a child changed her life for the better

[8:25] Why we have a moral obligation to choose better over bitter

[10:10] How Shelly had to change how she identified herself

[15:31] How transforming yourself, transforms the world

[22:20] The true definition of self-care (and it’s not what you think!)

[26:26] How self-care helped Shelly start a global mutual aid foundation

[28:46] Shelly’s morning and evening routine that I’ve adopted for myself

Resources and Links

Show Transcript

Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades. It had it all wrong. I’m Tonya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur best-selling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The Intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms.

Define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definition. Society’s made for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your every day and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world. And it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.

Let’s choose to be extraordinary. Love. Hello, and welcome to the Intentional advantage. I’m your host, Tonya Dalton. This is episode 245. This is our second episode on our, in our season of on-purpose. And I knew that I wanted to start this season, really getting to the root of some of the things that hold you back. You know,

each season you may or may not have noticed, but this is, this is where we start the flow of each season, where we talk about some of the things that hold you back, and then we move into how you can really start moving forward. And when it comes to living on purpose, which is our theme for this season, you know,

chasing your goals, go going after those big visions, those dreams you have. One of the biggest hurdles is selfishness. Any time that I say to people, oh, go after what you love, think about what you’re excited about. What is it you want out of your life? People go, oh, well, isn’t that selfish? Isn’t it?

You know, just thinking of me and taking care of the things that I want. I desire I really want in my own life is that selfish. And so I knew I wanted to address the selfish question, because I know that when I talk about this idea of this big vision you have for your future and these things that we’re going to talk about throughout the season,

there’s going to be this little voice inside of your head that says, oh, isn’t that selfish to do the things you want to do. Isn’t it selfish to prioritize the things that you love over other things. Isn’t it selfish to take care of yourself before you take care of everybody else? And that’s why I knew I needed to have Shelly<inaudible> come on the show.

She is the author of sit down and rise up, but she’s also the founder of the global grassroots mutual aid organization. Pandemic of love. She’s been featured on hundreds of media outlets, CNN heroes, Kelly Clarkson show CBS this morning, New York times, Washington post. And she’s done incredible things with her life. She is an absolute changemaker who didn’t start out that way,

who understood that she had to take care of herself so that she could then take care of other people who prioritized self care. In fact, she uses the term radical self-care in the subtitle of her book. And I love that idea. She has done incredible things because she has taken care of herself first, and then she has made incredible movements. And in fact,

she’s called one of the 12 most powerful women of the mindfulness movement. So let’s talk with Shelly. I want to see if this conversation with Shelly, doesn’t switch up your mind a little bit or flip the switch, just a tiny bit on what it means to take care of yourself. Let’s change how we feel about the selfish question. Shelley. I am so excited to have you on the show today because I know that you have really made a big difference in the world.

You’ve affected a lot of people. You’ve impacted so many different lives and you never really started off seeing yourself as this agent for change. You’re an accidental community creator. So what I would love for you to do is just really briefly tell us about the twist and the turns in your life that have gotten you to where you are now. Well, there’s definitely been a lot of twists and turns that I’ve had in my life.

And I’ve always been able to choose as we all have this choice, right? To choose either getting better or getting better. And, you know, I’ve certainly chosen both paths. And I can tell you certainly that I think getting better learning from our experiences sort of going with the flow, even when we feel like we’re not the right person or it’s not the right time,

it really puts you in positions to be able to not just, I think, effect the lives of other people, but I think lean into your, your own kind of natural innate abilities to, to either lead or bring people together or make the world a better place. Right. Some of the twists and turns in my life have been, you know,

they’re, they’re so all over the place. I, if I had to, I guess pinpoint one or two that really, I think set the tone and, or planted the seeds that helped bring me to where I am today. It would definitely be, you know, the story that I sort of lead in with and in my book, which is the story about how I was kidnapped when I was two it’s something that I don’t remember because I was two years old.

And fortunately I also have really don’t have trauma that’s associated with that incident because I’ve done the work to see if I do, and if it affected my life later on, but with that incident, you know, that story of being kidnapped and then ultimately being found was told often by my parents, you know, at, at dinner parties and sort of casually thrown in there during dinner,

dinner conversation, just a casual conversation like, oh yeah. When we moved to the United States and Shelly was kidnapped and people would just be like, wait, wait, wait, what? Like, let’s hear that story. Exactly. So my parents would hear the story of this harrowing experience. And of course, every single time that the story was told people would immediately feel empathy for my mother,

you know, or they would immediately feel, you know, empathy for me. And very, very seldom. Did people really hone in on this good Samaritan, this woman that had the agency to make the decision to follow me out with these two strangers that carried me out of the Brooklyn DMV, which is where I was taken from. And she followed these individuals several city blocks until she saw where they were going into and ran back to the DMV where at that point all hell had broken loose.

And so I sort of, you know, heard the story so many times in my life and finally decided, you know, I, I really need to hone in, on a different person or in the story, the character in the story that deserves to really be honed in on is this good Samaritan. And I was really fascinated by the idea that this woman who didn’t know us,

who had, you know, everything to lose, so to speak and nothing to gain really just made the decision in a moment’s notice to follow me and to follow these individuals out, not knowing if she was putting her own life in danger. And I, and I kept questioning, you know, would I have made the same decision? And for many years,

I really didn’t think that the answer to that would be yes, I thought, okay. You know, I probably either a would have done nothing, which is a conscious decision, you know, doing nothing is a decision and, or maybe I would have done the easy thing, which is basically, you know, run into, get, you know,

the mother and say like, Hey, this thing just happened. But, but that, but that point, you know, I could have been who knows where like a world away. So I really, you know, that was a very formidable kind of twist and turn in my life where I said, you know, I am fascinated by this good Samaritan and this concept of agency.

And I really need to kind of learn more about that. The other, you know, seed that was planted very early on in my life was, you know, when I was 12 years old, I started to become an activist and really understand that I could really affect change in my own community, in my own school, in my own neighborhood and,

and really be this agent for change and, and a voice for things that I care about and that people would listen even at the age of 12. Right. And I think a lot of times we don’t recognize that we have that kind of super power until much later in our lives, you know, or we think if ever right, and as children,

we might say, well, who’s going to listen to me, I’m a child, right? And this is, this is in the eighties, by the way, this is pre Gretta. Thunbergii, you know, like this is not, this is, this is like in the 1980s with, with my radio flyer, wet red wagon, going door to door with my friend,

Jennifer, to try to save the whales and in school, trying to lobby for an earth day program and recycling program. And so, you know, those were the two kind of seeds that were planted that I think ultimately were rooted and gave me this a sense of agency and B the snowing that I, when I lean into that agency, when I recognize that,

yes, I’m able to actually make choices that are going to affect other people. I realized that I had a moral obligation to make the right choice. Yeah. Oh, I love that. A moral obligation to make the right choice. I think a lot of people, we all have that choice of bitter versus better. I love that, that, you know,

conflict of which one are you going to choose? And we bought, we’ve all chosen. Both. We’ve all had moments where you’ve chosen bitter and others when we’ve chosen better. But, but you did, you, you chose to do the work. And one of the things that you have done is you changed how you identify yourself. You know, you start you years ago,

were walking around with a story of I’m a sick, divorced, single mom, who’s going blind yet another twist that we didn’t get into because there’s so many twists Shelley’s story. But that story of being a sick, divorced, single mom going blind, oh, that’s not inspiring. That’s, that’s totally bitter, right? Not better shows you chose to identify how you shifted.

And, you know, chapter two of my book is entirely it’s called choosing, you know, how do you identify yourself? Because it’s so powerful. It’s so important. You flip the switch on that and you said, I’m a healthy, single mom is going to inspire your, your son. That’s incredibly powerful, even though you didn’t believe it at first.

Right? No, totally, totally did not believe it. I, and I, I mean, there, there was nothing, there was nothing indicating to me that I should be believing it. Right. I think, you know, I mentioned in the book that, you know, many of us feel like we’re broken, you know, like I think also,

you know, just the industrial wellness complex that we’re living in, certainly the way that we define self care and the way that we look at at, at, you know, things like even therapy, right. We’re trying to fix ourselves. And really, if we can start from the premise that really there’s nothing to fix, there’s just something to expand,

right? We’re not broken, we’re not broken. We may have these beautiful sort of cracks or wounds or, or just what we consider are deemed to be, you know, these ugly parts of ourselves. But the reality is is that, you know, those are the things that connect us to others. And so when we can lean into and say,

you know, yeah, sure. I’m I have all of these experiences and these wounds and I have loss and grief and sadness and all of these other sort of stories or afflictions. And when I can carry them with me and share them with others, it allows others to really be the pieces that I feel are missing from me. And I can be those pieces for them.

Right. I came, my words can carry the cells that can heal the wounds of other people and vice versa. And I really have experienced that throughout my life, where, when I finally started to share my vulnerabilities, when I finally started to tell people, you know, Hey, I have imposter syndrome and it’s rampant. I really don’t feel worthy.

Or I am deathly afraid of like failing my son or going blind. And what would that mean for me as like this able-bodied person who is going to be able to, to make a difference in the world, or just even be independent in my life. Right. And when I started to share those deepest fears that I had, all of a sudden people started saying,

well, Hey, I feel the same way too. And I also have those words, you know, or maybe they manifest a little bit differently. And I realized, well, wait a minute, here we are all carrying around these wounds. We’re all believing that we’re broken and that we need to fix ourselves. And so we’re starting from that premise,

which is really the wrong premise to start with. If we can start from this place of like, we’re not broken and therefore, you know, we don’t have to wait to have this agency. We don’t have to wait to get to the starting line. Right. Cause we’re not starting from behind the start line, which is what we believe when we think we’re broken.

Right. We feel like, okay, I’ve got to fix myself so that I can get to the start line so that I can live my life or do this thing that I want to do. And, and if we just say like, wherever I am today is really my start line. This is the precipice. This is the moment, you know,

every, every day is that moment. And an opportunity to really just, again, lean into agency access it. I think that kind of creates this, reframe this shift for us to be able to do the best that we can today. And in the book. I actually also, you know, one of my chapters is called good is good enough,

which is a phrase that I actually borrowed from my son who’s 19 now because my son hates always hated like writing and reading. He’s very mathematical, like very quantitative, very left brain. And I remember, you know, how literal it was for him when a teacher used to say, you have to write five sentences and he would literally write like subject predicate period.

End of sentence. You know, there’d be no flour, no adjectives, no, no metaphors, nothing. And he would turn it in and then be like, well, I don’t understand. She asked me for five sentences, you know, and then here they are like, I did the assignment. Right. And he would just say to me like,

well, you know, mom, like, this is just not interesting to me. And so in that case, like, why do I always have to, why do I have to be better than good? Why do I always have to, why, why is good, not just good enough. And I was like, you know, there’s, there’s something to that.

And I think that we stress ourselves out to try to be the best at everything as well. So we can flip the switch on that narrative as well and realize that we don’t have to be the best at everything. We just have to do our best and also recognize and accept that, you know, sometimes PR perspective certainly of self-preservation like good is good enough.

Yeah. I think sometimes the idea of being the best holds us back because we’re afraid to even start. Right. I think that holds us back. Gandhi famously said, we must transform ourselves to transform the world. And I know that you agree with this, but you take it a step further, you take it, you know, it’s not just transforming ourselves and transforming the world.

Talk to me about that, about how we transform ourselves and how that, that moves forward and, and changes the world. Yeah. Well, so to kind of expand on that statement from Gandhi really is the premise of the book itself of my book is, and really is inherent in the title, sit down, dries up, right? So like sitting down,

meaning in meditation with the purpose of rising up for other people. So really the premise is that the best version of the world has to start with the best version of us, but taking that a step further, you know, and I’m sure, you know, I’ve never, obviously never had the opportunity to sit with Gandhi, but he definitely would be one of my,

like five, you know, people at my dinner party if I ever had, had to choose. But we define the self as just the, I, the me that is like this physical body that is here. Right. And, and everything that we experience as our quote-unquote ourselves is very sort of tangible in the way that we think about it. Because again,

westernized thought has kind of told us that that’s where the self begins and that’s where the self ends. We really don’t know a lot about human consciousness. You know, we’re learning more and more on a daily basis, but we’re so far from truly understanding it. But what we do know is that we are interconnected beings. We know we can conceptually understand and agree upon with not in a woo-hoo type of a way,

right. That the self extends far beyond us, that every single action that we take in the world, even if it’s seemingly small, every word that we say, everything that we, you know, every little pebble that we toss into that proverbial pond, so to speak, create some sort of a ripple effect and it affects other people, you know,

and sometimes it’s very known to us like how it’s affecting them and we can visibly see the ripples that it’s creating. And sometimes the ripples reached far shores that we’ll never be able to understand and see. And so in leaning on that kind of phrase, that the best version of ourselves of the world has to start with the best version of us and that we’re interconnected there.

Again, there’s this inherent responsibility, this moral obligation to say, well, wait a minute. If what I’m doing today is going to not just affect people that I’ll never meet in my lifetime, but also people that I’ll never meet in other lifetimes in future lifetimes, you know, will that reframe the sort of argument of how we show up on a daily basis?

You know, and I think it does. I think for me, at least it inspires me to understand that wow, you know, every single thing, literally every single, as mundane as it might be or seem there’s, there’s this beautiful, you know, connection that I have with every single person on this planet. I think it, there’s a funny joke that I tell people,

you know, and, and they kind of make some wins when I first say it, but I’ll say things like my God, I love sleeping with people. And people are like, what scandal it is. How can you say that? And I’ll just say, well, think about it every night, I sleep with a million millions of people and you’re sleeping with millions of people every night and they just kind of sit there and look at me.

And I say, you know, think about all of the hands that had to go into creating the sheets that you’re sleeping in and, you know, rotting the iron and pouring the, you know, I’m like mining the iron ore that basically had to be pulled from the earth and, you know, shipping and delivering and all of these kinds of components that had to go into every single little piece from the screw to the,

to the wood, to the fabric that is your bed that you’re crawling into every night that you don’t even think about. Right. We don’t spend a moment to even think about all the hands that have touched it. And so when we realize that we are that hand in so many different things in the food that people eat, you know, in the,

in the, in the podcast that people are now listening to and resonating with that maybe they’ll resonate with six months from now, but we recorded six months earlier. That’s really powerful. It’s such an amazing way to think about how we show up in the world. It’s, it’s this idea too, that, that we’re so much, we have so much more impact than we ever even realized.

And if we start to look at what we do is being bigger and more connected with that purpose, it really is incredibly powerful self care and community care. Those go hand in hand, right? Yeah. I want to talk about self-care because self-care and community care go hand in hand. That’s something that you say and you talk about. So I want to talk about that in just a moment after we take a quick little break.

Now that we’re in November, I know. Well, the first thing on your mind right now is the holidays, but the second thing is, all right, what am I going to do for 2022 November is the time where we really start focusing in and honing in on what is it we want for next year? So I felt like this would be a great time for us to get together,

to do a free masterclass, to help you really decide what you think you want for your goals, how you can set them. And let’s be honest here, how you can achieve them. It’s not enough just to set your goals. I want to give you a little bit of advice on how you can actually achieve those goals. So I’m offering up a free masterclass for you called how to set and achieve your goals.

Pretty simple, right? And that’s the thing. Goal setting doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to be difficult. And I’m here to show you how this is just a free event so we can get together and get you thinking about what you want for this coming year. So go to Tonya dalton.com/set goals, S E T G O a L S to go ahead and join me.

We’re going to be doing this over on Crowdcast. That’s a really fun platform that I love to use because it’s very interactive. You can ask me questions and we’ll do it all live. So I would love to see you there again, that link is Tonya dalton.com/set goals. And it’s an absolutely free event. It’s happening on the 17th of November at one o’clock Eastern.

So go ahead, pause the podcast right now and go ahead and sign up. I would love to see you there. And I would love to give you the strategies and the tactics. So you can get started thinking about what 22 is going to look like for you. All right. So before we took our little break, we talked about the fact that self-care and community care go hand in hand.

So let’s talk about self care because, you know, I think there’s this whole idea that self care is like a spa appointment kind of way, that Instagram loves to focus on what you say that true self care is unsexy. Yeah. Then it’s, it’s the hard work. Let’s talk about that definition of self-care. What is, Yeah. Well, certainly as you mentioned,

you know, yes, the Instagram, the beauty brands, the green juices, the bath bombs that were all being sold and told that these quick fixes are what constitutes self care is really erroneous when we go back and we look at what self-care actually the roots of self care, right? The roots of self care were really born or modern self care were born in communities that were struggling to survive,

right? The women’s liberation movement, the civil rights movement, especially in this country, you know, these were communities that had, they couldn’t rely on others to take care of them. So they needed to administer self-care as an act of self preservation. And in some cases, you know, it was also an act of political defiance. And so when we kind of harken back and we look at this reclamation of that,

you know, as the cornerstone of what self care is, again, we’re reframing what it means that that’s first and foremost. And so we recognize that it’s not this immediate quick fix. It’s not a bandaid that we can put on something and make us feel better quickly. It’s really this persistent, consistent showing up for ourselves and showing up for others. It’s the ability and the responsibility to change the systems that exist so that everybody can have access to not just survival,

but the means to thrive, right? Because that’s what we’re leaning on. When we say self care in today’s terms and, and, and sort of in that social media culture, and you look up the hashtag self care, you know, it’s, it’s like thriving, but when we only talk about thriving, you’re discounting all of these millions of individuals who are still just in survival mode.

They can’t even think about bath bombs, because they’re just thinking about clean water. You know? So it’s this ability to really understand that, wait a minute, self care has to be inclusive. It’s not just an individualistic term, it’s communal. And it has to make sure that we create safety nets, that we remove obstacles, that we hold others accountable,

that we allow them to hold us accountable. It allows, you know, for this beautiful sort of coexistence and this equity that we talk about to exist, and that is going to require hard work, just like social justice and reforming, you know, all these systems that we talk about is hard work. Or even if you’re really truly committed to doing the inner work on yourself,

you know, you, you don’t expect to go to therapy once and to come out and say, okay, I’m all cured everything. Yeah, exactly. Or If that doesn’t work that way. Yeah. It doesn’t same thing with the gym. You don’t go to the gym one time and walk out with a six pack. You know, you just,

you need to show up consistently. And that’s the same thing about self care. Self care is about<inaudible>, it’s about precovery right. It’s, it’s about putting the positing into that self care bank account on a daily basis. And making sure that we have what we need in the harrowing moments of despair when we need it, and that we have what to offer other people when they need it.

When we have access. I love that. I love that because it really, it spreads. I think so often we think of self care as this very selfish act. It’s something that, that, you know, oh, it’s just about me, but expanding that definition makes a huge difference. I mean, I think about the different movements and the things that you have been a part of,

you know, like with starting pandemic of love, you could only do that because you were in a good place. You were in a healthy place. You did the work on you first, then you could do the work for other people to help them, right? Yeah, no, absolutely. And I, and I do credit, you know, things like pandemic of love or other ways that,

you know, I’ve been able to show up to the fact that yes, I have done the deep inner work that I have been a meditator for over 20 years. And I can really be self-aware enough to understand where my emotions are coming from. Right. Really label them and sort of get in there, even if they’re intimidating and uncomfortable, I can sit with that discomfort and say,

I’m feeling fear. I’m feeling outraged. I’m feeling, you know, all these things that we usually shy away from. Like, if we identify them, we’re like, oh, I don’t want to feel that that’s a bad emotion. As opposed to saying, this is the emotion I’m going to label it. I’m not going to be judgmental about it.

And I’m going to really get in there and understand why am I feeling this way? And more importantly, from this place of agency and really understanding, you know, how we can show up from a self care communal perspective. I asked myself the question of, okay, this is how I’m feeling it. And what am I going to do about that?

Right. What am I going to do about it? How do I tie action now to this emotion or this distress, or this injustice that I see, and then responding to emotionally or physiologically, what am I going to do about it in the, in the real world, right? How do I translate that from the inner work to the outer world?

And I think for a lot of people sometimes doesn’t translate. Yes. Well, and I think too, it’s just like an acknowledgement and sitting in the bidder rather than moving into the better. Right. And the better we get to the better by asking the questions, by setting the intention by, by really digging in. And like you said, sometimes it is dirty work.

Sometimes it’s painful work. It’s really, it is unsexy. And yet it’s so sexy when it comes out, right. When we get to where we’re making the impact we really want. I think it really is incredible to, to really think about all that work turns into this amazing thing that you’ve created. You have a great practice. I think that really leans into this idea of self care.

I think that you do as part of your morning routine, where you start with a question, I would love, I feel like I read that in the book. I was like, oh, I love this. So I’d love for you to walk my listeners through this morning practice that you have. Sure. So I will start off by saying that this practice was born out of the fact that I am a reformed goal setter.

I don’t have anything. I think goals are important. However, I used to just like really abide by and center my life around goals. And that says, Here we talk about goals are not the goal goals are the vehicle to get you to the life. So we’re totally onboard with that. Yes. Perfect. Perfect. That’s totally symbiotic. That’s great.

And so, yeah, I started to say like, you know, I’m going to live my life around intentions. And when we start talking about intention, things like happy and patience and kindness and all these abstract sort of words that now appear on t-shirts and hats and mugs and things like that, you know, you can’t just say like, okay, these are the five ways to be happy.

These are the three ways to feel more gratitude. You know, I wish again, I wish it was that simple, but it’s not. And so for me, I’ve been able to sort of boil it down into this daily practice that really just, I think chisels away almost like, you know, like a sculptor does when they get like this slab of like marble in there.

And then they create this like beautiful sort of thing out of it day by day, just chiseling away, tapping away. And it’s, it’s really, it’s called the if only for today practice. And I recognize that it’s really just for today, I’m going to center my life around a particular intention and every word mourning that intention word could be different. It could be the same word 20 mornings in a row.

And it could be a different word, you know, the next day. But the idea is that when I wake up in the morning, the first question that I ask myself, instead of like grabbing my phone or, you know, looking for the coffee machine is what intention do I want to show up with in the world today? You know, what intention do I want to cultivate more of in my life today that would really make a difference.

And I just let the words kind of wash over me and just pop up. And, and then when I go into the bathroom and I have dry erase markers in every bathroom in the house. And so I write the word down on the mirror and it’s a reminder for me every single time. Like, I’ll go back into the bathroom to wash my hands,

or, you know, at the end of the day when I’m brushing my teeth, I, that word is staring me in the face. And so I’ll give you a tangible example if the word was kindness, right. I think about it if only for today, that’s the mantra. If only for today, I was going to be more kind or infuse the intention of kindness into my life as it pertains to fill in the blank.

So let’s say in this case, the blank is my mother. So I have a, I have a Jewish mother who I sometimes speak to, you know, a dozen times a day, she’ll call me about everything. This is on sale. I bought this new shirt, et cetera, et cetera. And usually by like the seventh time, I’m already losing patients and I can be unkind.

Right. Cause I’m like, oh again, you know? So if only for today, Shelly was going to infuse more kindness into her life as it pertains to her mother, what would that look like? What would that look like? And I really think about that, you know, as it pertains to even the most, again, mundane things in my life and I,

and the answer to that would maybe be just for today if only for today, but on the seventh and the ninth and the 12th time that my mother calls me, I’ll pretend like it’s the first time she called me. Right. And so that’s just for today, tomorrow is another day. Maybe it’ll be a different word. Maybe, you know, who knows,

but just for today and that all of a sudden that seems so doable, right? Yes. It seems so doable because it kind of boils it down and I’m not committing to tomorrow and I’m not committing to a resolution for 365 days. I’m just being human. And I’m thinking to myself, I could do this just for today, just for today. And as you start to sort of show up in that way,

intentionally on a daily basis, those little kind of doable, you know, intentions that become actions start to become habits. And you start to live in a much more intentional way and show up intentionally without even like really trying to do it, you know? Yeah. It’s really, it’s really an incredible practice. I love the idea of writing it on the mirror and then you revisiting it throughout the day if only for today.

Yeah. And remember, it’s a dry erase marker. So when you get back in there at night, before you go to bed, you take your hand and just go wipe and you wipe it clean. And tomorrow there’s another word. Yeah. I love that. I absolutely love that. Shelly, as we close out today’s show, I would love for you to share.

If you could give one, tip one piece of advice to my listeners, what would that be? Mm. One tick. Okay. There are two types of people in the world. There are the people who are the what ifs and the why nots be a, why not a, what if, what if everything to death and never busts a move and takes a chance and takes the leap and a,

why not is somebody who just kind of goes for it and says, why not? Let me just try, you know, what can go wrong? And even if it does, I can fix it. Why not? Yeah. So be a why not, not a, what if it’s Erase, marker. You just wipe it clean. It’s okay.

Tomorrow’s a new day. Shelly. Where’s the one best place for people to connect with you and to find you, I would say the best place where I post the most often and things get updated on the daily is on my Instagram account, which is at the at sign mindful skater girl and to Gail skis, a hard name to spell and pronounce. So it’s mindful skater girl,

because it’s an homage to the fact that I love to skateboard on the, on that website. There’s a lot of really great opportunities for people to rise up and, you know, volunteer, volunteer in their communities, help us, you know, moms that need things like diapers and people that need assistance through pandemic of love. So that is definitely the best way to get some bits of wisdom,

but also opportunities of kindness every single day. Oh, I love it. I love it. Shell. You are an amazing catalyst for change. I’m so grateful for you coming on the show. I really feel like your words of wisdom are really going to land on some women today who are gonna gonna take action in some self care, in a very,

very positive way. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Okay. Let’s talk just for a moment about a couple of the key takeaways that I got out of this conversation with Shelley, because there were a lot, but some of the big ones were this idea of bitter versus better. You know, that is, that is a choice. And when we think about on purpose,

it’s absolutely about the choices that we’re making. Every chapter of my book is about a choice. Well, this idea of bitter and better, those are a choice you can make. Do you want to stay bitter? Do you want to get better? You know, I love what she talked about with the idea of if only for today. Oh, let’s talk about how manageable that sounds.

I mean, you can literally do just about anything for a day. Am I right? So when we think about these big things that we want to do in our life, these giant dreams that we have, or the way that we want to show up for ourselves on a regular basis, it can be really daunting. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel like,

well, there’s no way that’s going to happen. But if you make these incremental changes, if you look at it as well, what if I do this if only for today? Oh, that feels so easy. Oh my gosh, it feels so manageable. And it feels like, yes, I can absolutely do that. So here’s what I’m going to commit to doing.

I’m going to commit to doing this practice for the next week. And then I’m going to check in and see how I feel overall. If only for today, I want to encourage you to do the same thing. That would be a great challenge. Today is to get a dry erase marker. All you to do for today is get a dry erase marker,

put it next to your toothbrush and then you’ll see it. That’ll be your little habit stacking that you know, I talk about in the book, that’ll be your trigger to get to this habit going. So dry erase, marker. Next to the toothbrush, write down. If only for today, I’m going to focus in on and then what emotion, what intention do you want to do?

And write that down. And then as you go into the bathroom throughout the day, you’re going to see that word and remind yourself. And then at the end of the day, reflect back on how you did and the good news is you wipe it off, right? It’s only for today. I love that idea. I also loved how she talked about goals,

how she’d been so goal oriented and it is time for us to look at goals differently. I love that because you heard me talk about during our break in the middle of the episode that I’m doing this masterclass to get you thinking about goals differently, to set and achieve your goals. So they feel nourishing, nurturing, encouraging. So they really align with that much bigger picture of what you want.

You’ve heard me say it before. Goals are not the goal goals are the vehicle to get you the life you want. So if you haven’t signed up for that masterclass, it’s happening this week, go to Tonya dalton.com/set goals. I would love to see you there. It’s going to be a live interactive event. So you’re going to be able to ask questions.

You’re going to be able to interact with other people who listened to the podcast as well, but you’re also gonna get to interact directly with me. And that’s one of the things that I love the most. So go ahead, head there. Now, Tonya dalton.com/sets goals. All right. Here’s a closing thought for today’s episode because I felt like it was really powerful.

I really enjoyed how she closed out with that whole idea of choosing what if or why not? And I want you to really think about choosing that. Why not mindset? Why not you? Why can’t it be you? Who is the mother of a movement? Why can’t it beat you? Who impacts the lives of other people? Why can’t it be you that does these amazing things in your lifetime?

Because when you begin to change your mindset, when you began to really focus in on self-care in that very unsexy way that Shelly talked about in today’s episode, when we start to do the work and we focus on better instead of bitter, that’s when we have the Intentional advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today. Quick question though, before you go,

do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the Intentional advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloattonyadalton.com with a screenshot. I choose one winner at the end of every month. So go ahead. Do it right now. Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way.

Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course, I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast. And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it.

So there you go. Two great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it, send that screenshot my way, because I want to give you a free course. And thanks again for listening today. I’ll be back next Tuesday and I’ll plan to see you then.

 

The Intentional Advantage is a productivity podcast for women. This transcript was created using AI.

 

Tanya Dalton is one of the best female keynote speakers on the subject of productivity, time management, goals and goal setting. She is a woman on a mission to help women find balance and feel better about their time management. Her talks are motivational, inspirational and actionable.

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