The Big Idea
Boundaries are our personal rules for engagement.
Questions I Answer
- How do I set better boundaries?
- What if I don’t know how to set boundaries?
- What do I do when I feel like a friend or co-worker is overstepping?
- How do I communicate my boundaries kindly?
Actions to Take
- Take the quiz in today’s show and see where you boundaries need to be strengthen or relaxed.
- Choose one category to focus on this week and practice strengthening that boundary.
- Communicate your boun
Key Moments in the Show
[3:30] Why Terri Cole is the go-to expert on boundaries
[8:30] Is setting firm boundaries selfish?
[9:45] You are the boss of you (and your boundaries)
[11:50] Why all boundaries are not created equal.
[14:30] Are your boundaries porous, rigid or healthy?
[18:00] Why prioritizing yourself helps you be a better leader
[19:00] What are the 5 categories of boundaries?
[33:40] Giving is loving… over-giving is dysfunctional
[34:10] How can I set healthy proactive boundaries?
Resources and Links
- Connect with Terri Cole
- Ways you can communicate your time boundaries:
- Email footer
- Voice mail message
Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades and had it all wrong. I’m Tanya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur best-selling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The Intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms.
Define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definition. Society’s name for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your every day and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world. And it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.
Let’s choose to be extraordinary. Hello. Hello everyone. And welcome to the Intentional advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 260 we’re well into our season on reclaiming your power. And if there was one place to talk about reclaiming your power it’s boundaries, boundaries are one of those things that a lot of women I have come across and I’ve come across.
Thousands of women talked with thousands of women on stages and you know, at events and, and worked and trained. Thousands of women boundaries are one of those areas of our lives. That tend to be like, I don’t know. We worry about being nice or we have strong boundaries in one area of our life, but weaker at one’s in another area.
So I thought, well, what might be helpful is for us to just kick off this show, asking some questions, and these questions are straight from Terry Kohl’s newest book, which is called the boundary boss. Terry is our guest on today’s show. I thought it would be smart though, for us just to start with a couple of questions, getting you thinking about boundaries.
So here’s a couple of questions. If friends or family have an issue, do you feel compelled to make suggestions or find solutions for them, even if they haven’t asked for your help? Okay. Here’s another one. Do you tend to ignore your preferences or needs for too long and then explode in frustration? I’m going to give you a couple more. Do you often feel sad,
angry, or resentful that people don’t just know or respect your boundaries? Do you expect people to know how to respond to you without you having to tell them how you want them to respond? Or here’s our last one? When you’re paying for a service, do you avoid telling people if you’re unsatisfied, even though you’re paying for the service. Now, if you answered any of these yes.
Or that might be me. This is the show for you. We’re going to really dive into this idea of the having proactive boundaries. We’re going to talk about the five different categories of your boundaries. I bet you didn’t know. There were five. I didn’t know. There were five and I’ve taught boundaries for a long time. We’re going to do all the assessment during today’s show what you’re really going to enjoy to help kind of start peeling back that onion,
getting you thinking about how you can start setting more proactive boundaries for yourself. Let me first share with you a little bit about today’s guests, Terry Cole, because Terry is amazing. She is a licensed psychotherapist. She’s a global leadership and empowerment expert, and she’s the author of the boundary boss, the essential guide to true talk, being seen and finally living free.
Now, as I mentioned, those questions I just asked are straight from Terry’s book, which is why I thought she would be amazing to have on the show this season, because for over two decades, Terry has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities, to fortune 500 CEOs. She has a true gift for making complex psychological concepts feel accessible and actionable so that you can achieve sustainable change.
I am excited for you to listen to Terry today because I truly think what she shares is eye-opening. And at the close of today’s show, I’m going to share what part of the book was most influential to me that I felt like was her really seeing me for the first time and really helped me dive into one of my biggest boundary struggles. All right.
Let’s get to today’s show Terry. I am so excited to have you on the show today. I absolutely love your book. It really was so eye-opening. And so today we’re going to, obviously we’re going to talk about boundaries, big surprise, something that we all need. You know, I talk a lot about boundaries, but I need boundaries. I need to have these ideas reinforce.
And there were several aha moments for me in the book, which I’m sure we’ll talk about here in a bit, but you know, even you say that you need to work on your boundaries. You said in the book, I had choices about how I let people treat me both at work in my personal life. I feel like that’s really big that a whole idea of,
I have a choice in how I let people treat me. You know, I think the immediate response from some people is we don’t choose to let other people treat us badly. They just, they just do. We don’t have any control over that. So how would you respond to that? It’s all the frame with which you are looking at life and you are looking at your own impairment and there’s a misunderstanding.
People always think that what we’re saying, or what boundaries are about is controlling others. It’s like a lever to control others. Let’s make them stop having that bad behavior, but that’s not what it’s about. Everyone has free will. So how you can become empowered to that feeling is you make a decision. Oh, if Bob from accounting continues to comment on my clothing and make lewd remarks,
I’m not trying to control Bob. I’m telling Bob to cut the shit like I’m telling Bob, Hey, and let’s say, I liked Bob. Maybe I’d say, Hey, I know you mean this as a compliment. Forget not the lewd things. Maybe he’s just complimenting what you’re wearing, but it makes you uncomfortable. I know you, I know you think I should be complimented,
but I have to be honest and say, I really like our working relationship. I really like you. And it makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my body. So I’d like to make a simple request that you stop so that we can continue to have a work relationship. That flourishes, I think that’s an important distinction. It’s it’s not controlling how people behave.
It’s, it’s how they treat you and how, how you stop that treatment. That doesn’t feel good. Right? Right. How do you respond instead of reacting? Because so much of becoming a boundary boss and changing our relationship to the way that we establish boundaries in our lives is about what are we going to do instead of being reactive, where maybe you freeze in the moment.
If Bob is complimenting you and it makes you uncomfortable. And then later go talk about Bob to someone else who you’re close to or go home and talk to your sister or your partner, whatever. See that is a reactionary response because an actual response, a thoughtful, mindful response would be, Hmm, I need to think about this. I don’t want this to keep happening.
This is making me uncomfortable at work. And I don’t even know that this guy knows he’s making me uncomfortable. So again, we don’t, we don’t make the negative assumption that everyone is a jerk and everyone’s trying to trample on our boundaries, Right? A lot of times Bob and accounting is just freaking clueless and that’s the truth. So I don’t think that means we give them a pass.
I think it means we decide, how am I going to respond in a way that my needs get met, which is I would like to have a good working relationship with this person. And I want them to stop commenting on my body. I liked this, this distinction too, because I think you’re absolutely right. People don’t know they’ve stepped on our boundaries a lot of times,
unless we tell them, right, Bob in accounting is like, I have to tell you, you look nice. Like he doesn’t, he doesn’t realize it’s making him uncomfortable and less. We make that clear. I think one of the big stumbling blocks that people run into when it comes to setting their boundaries is that they feel like it isn’t nice. It’s selfish or egocentric or a thousand,
not so nice things we could say about ourselves. So what do you say to that? You know, oh, setting your own boundaries is not nice. I don’t want to be unkind. I don’t want to hurt Bob and accounting ceilings or whatever it is. How do we get over that? I want to be nice. Well, part of it is let’s look at the way that we were socialized.
So we were raised in praise for being self abandoning. Could that, if you were raised as a woman, you were literally raised to prioritize the wants, needs desires of others over your own. That meant being a good person, be a good girl. Don’t make waves. There’ll be a troublemaker. Right? Right. So, so we get the idea that having needs,
asserting ourselves, letting people know what our preferences are, that somehow that’s burdening others. And again, what does that look like? That means, oh, I’m prioritizing Bob from accounting feelings. And it’s all a projection to, how do you know that Bob wouldn’t be super psyched that you told him what he was doing unknowingly was making you uncomfortable. And maybe Bob would be really happy to stop.
It might help Bob’s other relationships too, out in the world. Right? We are doing Baba favor, quite frankly. Yes. But that’s not why we’re doing it. That’s just a side benefit of doing it. We’re doing it because how we are the boss of us, we dictate how the world treats us. And really so much of it has to do with how we treat ourselves.
So if you are last on your own list, if you are endlessly, prioritizing the wants and needs and desires of others over you, and I’m not talking about, listen, if you have kids, right? We’ve all I’ve raised kids. We’ve got kids. I’m not talking about minor children, right? Minor children. It’s your frigging job while they’re minors to prioritize their needs,
right? This is, this is it’s appropriate to be child focused when you are raising children until they’re grown. And then it can be more adult focused. And it’s really dysfunctional family systems that are adult focused when they should be child focused. Cause someone has an addiction problem or whatever, right. Or just a narcissist or self-centered or whatever. So I think that part of this,
this process of not feeling victimized of really understanding that you can always assert yourself with kindness, with ease, when it’s appropriate with love. Right? So whatever image, there are so many myths and misconceptions about what it means to have healthy boundaries. People think a lot of times they’re like, oh yeah, I am no, you know, I know negotiating with me,
I got amazing boundaries. I’m a boundary box. I’m like, no, you have rigid. You have rigid boundaries. Right? Because being a boundary boss, there is a certain amount of flexibility in the way that we are in the world. Right. Which is why there’s I created the nuances of boundaries themselves? What, what does it mean? Right.
I look at boundaries and say it, they are your very own personal rules of engagement. It’s how you let other people know what is okay with you and what is not okay with you. Right. So that means you must know your own preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers. And I purposefully broke them down into categories because not all boundary requests or desires are made equal.
I, if I have a preference, but something is more important to my husband. And he says, you know, can, can you just go with me on this? I go, sure. Right. Because if it’s more important to him, right. But we both do that. Right. That’s the kind of relationship it is. But if something is a deal breaker,
I remember when I was, when I was dating, when I was living in Manhattan, single and I was in recovery, I stopped drinking when I was like 21. And I had said to my, my girlfriends who were trying to say me, oh, with the people, Hey, but nobody who’s in recovery. Like I don’t, there’s one addict,
one recovering addict. And our relationship is enough for me. And they were like, I don’t, that doesn’t make any sense. You could be missing people. And I was like, here’s the thing, that’s my own. Non-negotiable it. Doesn’t at all need to make sense to you. I don’t need to convince you. I may give you context if you’re a close friend and I really care about you.
And I want you to understand me more deeply, but I sure as hell, don’t have to convince you that I have a right to have a non-negotiable that you don’t understand. I don’t care. So just don’t fix me up with anyone who’s in recovery, because your deal breakers are your own for all of your own reasons, your life experience, but they’re not the same as your preferences.
So knowing that there’s nuances, when it comes to boundaries, they’re not all a level 10 emergency. This has to happen, right. Just your non-negotiables. Right. Well, I think that’s such an important distinction and that’s one of the things you do such a beautiful job of in this book is really taking this, this thing that, which can seem really difficult to boundaries.
And you really break it down, this whole idea of the nuances of the non-negotiables and, and having what you call your own personal rules of engagement. It’s almost like the different levels within there that I think it’s really, really powerful. I don’t think I’ve read anything that went quite as in depth with how to really understand your own boundaries and really establish them.
You do a really beautiful job of that. And what I think would be really powerful honestly, is for the listeners to really get a good grasp on where they are with their boundaries. Because I think you’re right. A lot of people are like, I have great boundaries. It’s a no, no matter what, or it’s this like, super like,
oh, Fine. My way, my way or the highway. Yes, yes. Which again, if it’s a non-negotiable thing for you, if is that level then okay. For that part, but not for everything. Right. Right. Would you be game to do like a little quick on the spot assessment? So my listeners can really start to dive into how they’re feeling about their own boundaries.
Why? Yes. I’d love to. I thought you would say yes. So let’s talk about the three different levels or the kinds of boundaries that you talk about in our lives. The, the rigid, the poorest and the healthy can, can we dive into that? Because that’s almost like where you lie right now with your boundaries. Yes. And I also have a really awesome boundary quiz.
That’s totally free. It’s just boundary quiz.com. It’s 13 questions. So if anyone listening wants to take the boundary quiz to see for real, for real, which one you have, you can go there. So poorest boundaries are too malleable. They’re too soft. It’s more of like the pushover, the chameleon, the peacekeeper, right? Cause there’s different.
There’s like seven archetypes that, that you can be basically. And when you take that quiz, you see which one is yours, rigid boundaries are the other end of that spectrum. And they’re more of like the ice queen and the powerhouse. And what that looks like is more what we were just saying, right? My way or the highway, someone who can be very charismatic,
but also can be bossy and controlling. Right? You are more likely if you have more rigid boundaries, especially emotionally, you’re more likely to cut someone off from your life than you are to tell them that they did something to hurt your feelings. You’re more likely to like avoid their call or just, just sort of ghost for a period of time to get your point across,
without saying it with people, with the more malleable boundaries, the poorest boundaries, you’re most likely overfunctioning, over-giving sort of used to being likely, you know, me, I’m easy breezy, no fuss, no muss. Like as if we get a badge of honor for having no needs, you have no needs. Amazing. Right? Yes. We got let you want to avoid conflict.
Right? Conflict avoidant, which I think most of us are. I mean, to a degree, like I don’t think in 25 years of being a psychotherapist, I mean maybe a few people with different mental health things where they’re like, I love conflict, you know, but most are like, Ugh, I’d rather not. You know, but with poorest boundaries,
we will abandon ourselves to avoid conflict. We say yes. When we really want to say no, because we don’t want anyone to be upset because we don’t want anyone to be mad. Porous boundaries also can lead to a lot of codependency being in codependent relationships. So those are those two and then healthy boundaries of course, is the sweet spot in between,
which means you know who you are, but you’re really clear about what your rights are. The reason in the front of the book, I created the boundary boss, bill of rights. It’s just 10 of them is because there’s so much confusion about, do I have a right to make this request? Now, if it’s a request to not a demand,
depending on what it is, then I feel like almost no matter what it is, you, you have a right to ask. It doesn’t mean the other person will do it. But I think another part of being healthy and having those healthy boundaries means that not only can we set a limit when we need to, with the people we love or say no to something,
because let’s say you have a big presentation the next day, even though, you know, you will disappoint your friend by not going to her standup or whatever it is. But you choose the thing that, you know, you must do for yourself. You can be sorry, you apologize. I love you. And yet I know if I come tonight,
I won’t do my best tomorrow. And that really has to be my priority right now, break a leg, call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes, having the right to prioritize yourself. And I take it one step further and say, you, you not only have a right. I truly believe you have an obligation, because think about what,
what these disordered boundaries, they wreak havoc in our relationships. So when we’re saying, yes, let’s say the poorest boundaries saying yes. When you were the one to say, no, you don’t think, I mean, eventually you’re going to be angry. Eventually you’re going to get better. Eventually you become a martyr. Eventually you start being county. Like I can’t believe after everything I’ve done for them like that happens.
And you don’t think that these women who become martyrs set out to be martyrs, right. That wasn’t there before. Nobody says, when I grow up, I want to be a martyr. I want to be, I don’t want to be, I don’t want to be an astronaut. I don’t be, I want to be a martyr. Yes. I want a blackmail,
emotionally blackmail people in my life. I want to guilt trip the crap out. BB Passive aggressive. Yeah, Exactly. So, so those are the types. And then we have categories of boundaries. Because again, I think that there’s a lot of confusion. People just think that being a boundary boss is just all saying no, all the time to people are blocking rights.
Not true. Now I want you to think about it this way. And then here we can sort of involve the listener that you have. Your first category of boundaries is your physical boundary, right? Physical boundaries. What does that mean? That’s your basic thing is your body, right? That’s your biggest physical body. So what does this include? What are your rights?
Who has the right to touch you and how, how much personal space do you need now think about it. Anyone who who’s listening, can you speak up? Right. So an example of a physical boundary violation include somebody grabbing you without your permission, or maybe barging in on you when you’re in the bathroom or in your bedroom or somewhere without knocking. Like that is a physical boundary violation.
And you can assert yourself right in that situation of like to make a simple request that you knock before you come into my room, there’s always something that you can do. And that you can say, but I want you to think about, do you do or say those things now, if there is a physical boundary violation happening or are you just pissed?
You just file it in the file cabinet of, well, that person’s just a selfish, entitled, jerk, right? More evidence of their jerkiness. Right? I’m going to put that in the file cabinet rather than taking responsibility for like, Hey, I’m going to teach you how to treat me. And if you cannot treat me the way that I require,
the way that I need to be treated, then I have decisions to make about who gets the privilege. Right. Of being in my friggin life. Because not everyone should be in the section of your life, according to me, So true. So true. Right. So with the physical boundary, like you said, it can be something big, like something grabbing you or something that like not knocking on the door,
somebody giving them a massage, you know, without, you know, your requests. So, okay. What’s, there’s what I’d love for you to do is I’d like you to think about those three levels of porous, healthy and rigid. Where do you lie when it comes to your physical boundaries? That’s the first category. Yes it is. And what would it look like?
So let’s say if you had rigid boundaries and somebody busted into the bathroom, you might then scream, you might then slam the door. You might then call them names. Right? Rigid boundaries. There’s more of a, there can be a, more of an emotional like explosion response or say nothing. But then I see that person out, right? That,
that could be another way. The poorest boundaries would be more, not saying anything, filing it away in a file cabinet, but not saying anything. And then the healthy boundaries, your response would be to say something, just like I gave you an idea of what you could say. You know, I’d like to make a simple request that you knock before you come into my room.
Very simple. Right. But not something that we do simply because we have a lot of that baggage that comes along with it. So, so that’s physical, right? We’re going to say simple, but not easy, But not easy. Let’s, let’s go to the next category because I want to go through all, all five of them. So the next category Is emotional boundaries.
So what does this mean? Yeah. Well, it means that you’re responsible for your feelings just as others are responsible for theirs. So when you have strong or healthy, emotional boundaries, you don’t blame others for the way that you feel. But on the flip side, you also don’t get guilted easily into things. If you really know you didn’t do the thing you’re being accused of.
Right. Rather than being easily manipulated emotionally, you’re more like, Hey, I’m sorry. You feel that way end. No, that’s not what happened. If your emotional boundaries could use some strengthening, this is where there’s a lot of codependency where you might feel compelled to fix things for the people around you and give unsolicited advice. Maybe spontaneous criticism as well could be mean,
your boundaries, your emotional boundaries need some work. You might get very combative, defensive. Right? And that, that could actually go either way with porous or rigid, even though rigid would have a tendency to, to either lash out or pull away, let’s say, but being poorest, you might feel very defensive. So let’s say an example of an emotional boundary violation is someone saying to you,
you shouldn’t feel that way. Like, or that’s ridiculous that you feel that way because no one has the right to tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel just like you don’t have the right and a little script for that. And then we’ll ask people to think about it is I’m telling you how I feel, not asking for your opinion about my feelings.
That’s yeah. That’s like a boundary that you could draw in the moment if someone’s like, well, that’s ridiculous. You’re like, who the fuck I asked you? I was literally not asking him that. That was he misunderstood. What was that? This wasn’t, this wasn’t Exactly. Okay. So, so listeners with your emotional boundaries, would you say that you are rigid?
Are you healthy or are you poorest? This is just, this is just to get you thinking. Okay. So it’s okay. No matter where you’re falling on these, but just think about where you lie with these emotional boundaries. All right. Let’s go to the third category. Okay. Moving in to mental batteries. So this is about what you think,
right? So knowing what you think, being able to hold on to your opinion, even if you’re with people who don’t agree with you, knowing who you are, you mean your mental boundaries are knowing who you are, but also when you have healthy mental boundaries, you can have a conversation with someone who disagrees with you without taking it super personally, where you’re like,
it’s not about, oh my God. You know, it’s, I can’t believe you could think that. Right. It’s, it’s really not like that. It’s about being able to hold on to what you think and having an unacceptance, which I think has been very hard through this pandemic and through the political thing that we’ve all been through. It’s like in the U S at least,
because it’s gotten so politicized and it’s gotten so like everyone taking corners, I’m like, I’m over here and you’re over there. But I feel like with your mental boundaries, it comes back to knowing who you are, but knowing what you think and being able to talk about it, not being so afraid of a disagreement that you avoided altogether, or that you become more like a chameleon,
right. If you have poorest mental boundaries, it’s almost like you’re with people. And even if there’s what they’re saying, you don’t agree with, you might be like, yeah, cool. Like, okay, fine. You know, rather than asserting yourself, because you don’t want there to be a negative experience. Yeah. Realizing too, that other people’s opinions are not in a front to your own.
If it’s different, it’s, it’s not them judging you. It’s just them and their opinions. Right? Yep. I love that. So, in thinking about, you know, mental boundaries for my listeners, are you porous, rigid, healthy? Where do you think you lie? Great. And then I want to take a quick little break and then we’re going to pick up the last two.
And then I want to talk about a couple of strategies to really help us create proactive, healthy boundaries for ourselves. In today’s episode, we are talking all about boundaries and really establishing good, strong boundaries for ourselves. I love to talk about boundaries and a little bit of a different way, the boundaries of what we want and don’t want in our businesses.
This is one of the things that I do in my visionary strategy sessions that I do with business owners is we establish a vision of where does you want to go? Now, what I know is that a lot of, you know, this is where I want to go. This is where I dream of going, but you don’t have the strategy to really get you there.
That’s what I absolutely love doing with business owners, spending the day with you diving deep into your business, understanding who you are, where you want to go and giving you the tools to actually get there. That’s a novel concept, right? But really every visionary strategy session with me is a unique experience because you are unique in how you run your business and what your dreams and goals look like.
So that’s what we do together. We figure out what are the goals? What are the things that you want to be doing? Not the things that you should be doing or ought to be doing based on what everybody else’s business looks like, but really creating a unique recipe specifically for you, your wants your needs and your desires for your business. Now I have a few spots opening up this spring and summer for a couple of visionary strategy sessions.
I don’t do a ton of these. So there they don’t open up very often. If you are a business owner and you’re ready to take your business to the next level, if you’re tired of making guesses and you’re ready to make strategic decisions so that your business is aligned and feels so much easier than let’s chat because a visionary strategy session is for you.
Like I said, there’s only a few spots left. So go to Tanya dalton.com/strategy for all the information I’d love to work with you and help you step more into that visionary role in your business so that you can make that big goal or dream actually happen. All right, Terry, so I’m loving that we’re going through the five different types of boundaries. We’ve done physical.
We’ve talked about emotional and mental. We have two more to go. What is, what is the fourth one Sexual? So again, sexual boundaries are super clear. I mean, they really go under a lot of people will talk about them under the category of physical boundaries, but I think they deserve their own category, which is basically really getting clear that you are the boss of your body and being clear about what you do and don’t want to do.
So if you have poorest sexual boundaries, you may feel pressured into being physical. Even though you don’t want to, you may feel obligated because I’m about your dinner to then fool around with them or do something that would be having poorest sexual boundaries. An indication of having healthy sexual boundaries could be you about to be intimate with a new sexual partner and them saying they don’t have a condom.
And you saying, well, we’ve already talked about this and I do not have unprotected sex. It’s just not my thing. And just being able to either they go get a condom or they don’t, or maybe you bring them next time, but being able to stand up for what is right for you sexually. And so anyone trying to coerce you into sex,
you know, is a boundary violation, obviously. And it enforcing you assaulting you clearly, but even in a relationship, I mean, I’ve had many therapy clients where their partners constantly wearing them down where the person’s like, I really am exhausted. I don’t want to, I was stomach ache. And they’re like, it’ll be quick. Like stop. That is a boundary violation.
No means no, whether you’re married, whether you are dating it just, and if you have healthy boundaries, you know that you know that your body is your temple, right? This is your yours. Just like your partners is there to give or not. But being partnered with someone, doesn’t give them ownership of your body or your sexuality says me,
I really appreciate you going so in depth with this, because I think that that’s one of the things that people don’t really take the time to understand. And I do think there’s definitely a distinction between the physical and the sexual, even in a committed relationship or a marriage that there’s boundaries that need to be there. That was really, really eye opening. And I can guarantee some people are listening right now going,
oh, I never thought about it that way, which is really important. So I love that. So in thinking about how we just went through the sexual boundary, how do you feel like you’re doing? Are you poorest? Are you healthy? Or are you rigid? Okay, there’s no right or wrong. We’re okay where we are, right? Yep.
Let’s go ahead and get into that fifth category. Okay. So material boundaries is basically how you relate to your things. So you may, you know, how do you need your home to be? Maybe you ask people to take their shoes off when they come in, maybe your bedroom is off limits to your kids. Maybe you like to keep your car very clean.
And if like your cousin comes in and leaves like fast food wrappers in your car, that would be like a material boundary violation, because you want your things to be a particular way. It also is. Do you lend things? Do you lend money? Do you lend your stuff? Do you like to share food on a plate? All of that is about material boundaries.
And again, however you are, if it’s a choice, there’s nothing wrong with it, right? There’s nothing wrong. If you, if you like a clean car and expecting your cousin not to leave crap in your car, there’s nothing wrong with that material boundaries where their poorest or where they’re dysfunctional is. Let’s say you have someone in your family. Who’s asking you to borrow money.
And like, you literally know they’re not good for it actually. No, it’s never coming back. That money is gone. Goodbye. If you cannot do it as a gift, do not do it is what I’m saying. But you can say, oh, Hey, I actually have a no lending money policy. It’s not personal to you. This is how I protect my relationships because I’ve had a bad experience in the past.
So the answer will have to be no. Yeah. I think this is where the whole idea of proactive boundaries comes into play where you’ve thought about it ahead of times. And you’re not reacting in the moment going, oh God, I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t know what to say. You’ve made that decision. I’m not going to lend out money.
So therefore I’m like, I have a policy, like a company. I have a policy. This is what I do. And this is my boundary. Right. I think that’s a, that’s a really important thing to, to know that it’s okay to think about these things ahead of time and to, to almost role play them in your head of what that could look like and how to respond.
So listeners, when it comes to your material boundaries, it’s not about never lending anything out. Right. It’s how it feels to you. So are they rigid porous or healthy? Where do you lie? I just want you to think about those five categories we went through, we went through emotional material, sexual I’m missing some, let me think. Physical And mental.
Right? Did I get them? You got them. All right. Do I want the $25,000 prize You do, But truly like going in depth with all of these really was so eye opening for me, there’s a quote that you share in the book from Dr. Harriet Lerner that says our society cultivates guilt feelings in women, such that many of us still feel guilty.
If we’re anything less than an emotional service station to others. Oh boy, I felt that. And you said something else in there that I feel like I need to like, like embroider on a pillow where you said giving is loving over-giving is dysfunctional. So what I would love for us to do as we close out the show, I want you to share a couple of really quick,
easy things that our listeners can do as, as they were going through that assessment. And they’re like, oh, my boundaries are either too rigid or they’re too poorest. They’re not quite at that healthy point. What are some things that my listeners can do to really set up their own boundary blueprint, to really create a proactive boundary plan, all things that you talk about in the book,
what are some things we can do? I would say the easiest thing to do is look at your relationship to saying yes and saying no, because what I find in my crew is that people have a tendency and it’s mostly women to feel compelled to say yes, even if what they’re feeling is no. And so I want all of you listening, if this is you,
if this resonates with you, you want to take the next seven days and you’re gonna just stop giving any automatic yes. To any thing, to anyone, to anything so that you can start to learn, to take a pause, right? We’re going to interrupt that pattern by saying, thank you so much for thinking of me. I need to check with my spouse,
my friend, whoever I’ll get back to you. Let me check my calendar and let you know with clients. For years, I had people saying I have a 24 hour decision-making policy. So I’ll let you know tomorrow. I like that. I have a 24 hour decision-making policy proactive boundary. Right? I’ve created this buffer space. There’s so much that can happen in that pause.
So much thinking and truly deciding rather than just reacting with the instant. Yes. Yes. And it’s so much easier to come back to someone and say, no, if you haven’t already said yes. So let’s say you come back, you can say, oh, Hey, I checked with my sister and you know, we actually can’t do, but hope you guys have a great time or like saying no is not bad because when you think about it,
all of this is under the guise of being nice. We don’t want anyone to think. We’re not nice, but let’s really think about it saying yes. When you want to say no, not only is that not actually nice. It’s just dishonest. And what ends up happening is the people in our lives don’t really know us because we’re too busy, placating everyone and having the disease to please and worrying about what other people think and how sad is that,
that if you go through life, really, how can anyone authentically love you? If you really don’t give them the opportunity to authentically know you and who you are, is made up of your preferences, your desires, your limits, and your deal-breakers literally, that is what makes up who you are, you know? Yeah. Yes. How can anyone authentically love you?
You’re not giving them the opportunity to really know you. And that is such a gift, right? To know you. I think that that’s an incredibly powerful mindset to have for ourselves. I love this. The book is amazing. It’s incredible. I really, I really think that so many women struggle with boundaries and the way that you approach boundaries and the scripts that you include in the book and the questions to dive deeper.
I talked about some of the questions in the introduction. And when I close out the show, I’m going to talk about the part of the book that hit me between the eyes and just a few moments. But I know, I know we need to close out the show. So I would love for people to know where they can connect with you, where they can get the book.
So where’s the best place to find you. And then where’s the best place to find the book. Okay. Well, first of all, I have a gift for your people, which is a whole thing on boundaries and codependency. I think it will be very helpful and they can find firstname.lastname@example.org forward slash advantage. Okay, perfect. I’m going to put that in the show notes.
Yes. I think you guys are going to love it. And you guys, I hang out mostly on Instagram and it’s just at Terry Cole. You can also go to my website, which is just Terri Cole, T E R R I C O L E. I also have a podcast that you’re going to be on, and that is the Terry Cole show.
I’ve had it for six years. So those are the places where you can sort of get me the most Amazing. And I am looking forward to being on your show very, very soon. So I’ll make sure to let you guys know as well when I’m on Ontario’s show, cause we’re gonna have, we’re gonna have a great conversation. I really, as I said,
enjoyed Terry’s book found it incredibly helpful as much boundary work as I have done this helped me go even deeper. So Terry, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Thank you so much for having me. I absolutely loved having Terry on the show today. Her book really does go. So in depth in helping you really understand your own boundaries where they lie now and then how you can transition into healthy boundaries.
If you need to. And as I mentioned, she has scripts. She has questions to help you dive deeper, but I have to be honest with you. And I promised you I would share this because there was a part in the book that I felt really called out in the very best way. She talked about high functioning codependency, something that if you had said to me,
oh, I think you’re codependent. I would have said no, but when she delved into this concept, I felt totally liberated because she called me out. And really what it was was high-functioning codependency. Is this feeling of being overly responsible for all the things? She’s got a checklist in the book, as I mentioned, she’s got lots of checklists and things like that.
Everything on that checklist, I was like, Ooh, that’s me. Yep. That’s me. Oh yep. Yep. Me, me, me. I get, oh, me there. And so it was really, really fascinating for me. I have been working for a long time on letting go of the story for myself that I always need to give to others to always put them first.
And I’ve been working on rewriting my story. So my new story is I am not responsible for anyone else’s journey. So in other words, I don’t need to prioritize pleasing others over pleasing myself. And she in the book talked about choice and compulsion can feel a lot of like, but they’re not the same. And that’s one of the things that I was experiencing with my over-giving,
you know, and I mentioned earlier in the show with Terry, that quote that she has in the book of giving is loving, but over-giving is dysfunctional. It really struck me and it’s changed me and it’s changed how I feel about my own boundaries. And that’s why I knew I absolutely wanted to have Terry on the show just because she really changed my own viewpoint on my boundaries.
And I’m hoping that today and this episode, it changed the way that you felt about yours as well. In the email that I sent out to my subscribers, I talked about the dumbest advice I ever gave as a parent. The thing I said to my kids over and over as they were growing up, that I’ve now had to apologize for and it is tied to my boundaries.
So if you got that email, I’d love a response to it. I would love to hear what you think is some of the dumbest advice you’ve ever given, whether it’s to your kids or someone else, but how that made you feel. Listening to my dumb parenting advice, we’ve all said dumb things. And if you’re not on my email list, what are you waiting for?
This is the kind of stuff that I share in my emails. I’m not on social media anymore. I really share a lot of behind the scenes in my emails that I send out every week. So if you’re not signed up, make sure you go to Tanya dalton.com/email. And don’t forget, of course I have just a few openings for visionary strategy sessions.
If you are a business owner and you are ready to move to that next level, simply go to Tanya dalton.com/strategy to find out information. I would love to work with you. And as we close out, today’s show, I’m really hoping that it’s gotten you to think about your own boundaries, those different categories of what your boundaries look like and how certain you are with how you establish them.
Because boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement. That’s one of the things that Terry Cole says in her book boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement. You are in charge of your life. You’re in charge of how it’s run, what it looks like, how it feels you’re in charge of your days. And when we begin to understand that when we step into our power by really choosing what our boundaries look like,
that’s when you know you’ve got the Intentional advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today. Quick question though, before you go, do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the Intentional advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloatTanyadalton.com with a screenshot.
I choose one winner at the end of every month. So go ahead. Do it right now. Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way. Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course,
I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast. And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it. So there you go. Two great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it,
send that screenshot my way, because I want to give you a free course. And thanks again for listening today. I’ll be back next Tuesday and I’ll plan to see you then.
**This transcript was created using AI.
Tanya Dalton is the best motivational keynote speaker on the topic of productivity, time management, goal setting and finding balance. As a woman and a productivity expert she has a unique perspective about how to be more productive. She is the host of one of the top productivity podcast for women, a best selling author and an inspirational speaker.