261: Who Are You Really Fighting?

Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades. It had it all wrong. I’m Tanya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur best-selling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The Intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms.

 

Define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definition. Society’s name for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your every day and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world and it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.

 

Let’s choose to be extraordinary. Hello? Hello everyone. And welcome to the Intentional advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 261. I’ve got John on the show with me today. Hello, everybody. That was very official. I have John on the show today because you know, this season, we are talking about stepping into our power and reclaiming our power and what that looks like.

 

And I felt like it was really important to have a conversation about where we’re spending our power. Is that a good way of putting it? I think that is a good way of putting it. Yes. Yeah. Well, you know, it’s funny because when I talked to a lot of women about reclaiming your power, like I’ll say, oh, we’re doing a season on reclaiming your power.

 

And a lot of women will be like, yeah, if the patriarchy and the patriarchy and all these things, right? Like that’s what we hear all the time. And I think really the question that I want us to dive into today is who are you really fighting? Who is it as women? And let’s be honest as women, we have been fighting for millennia,

 

Not For centuries, not for a couple of decades, not since the 1920s, but millennia. Right? We have been fighting, but who are we really fighting? You know, there’s all this, I don’t know stuff going on where it’s like the patriarchy down with the patriarchy, the patriarchy is the worst and all of those things. And really what I think we need to do is we need to take time to step back and understand what is the patriarchy,

 

who is it? We’re really fighting because if we’re looking at the wrong things, as the patriarchy, we’re spinning our wheels, it’s pulling our focus away from places where we could really make a difference. Yes. You know, and I totally agree. And you know, we talked about this and you who better to have on your podcast to talk about the patriarchy then me a white guy,

 

right? The white man. That’s I mean, I think that’s part of it when we’re talking about who are we fighting? I feel like, well, okay, here’s a good example. I, this is obviously a while back, cause I’ve been off of social media for a while, but there was this meme going around about a baby elephant weighs.

 

I can’t remember like 364 pounds making it the biggest baby, other than cisgender white men. And then it said F the patriarchy. Right? And I was like, no, that’s not what the patriarchy is. That’s not what it means when we’re talking about the patriarchy. It’s so much bigger than one group of people. Yeah. And I think that’s really the main thing.

 

And we’ve had a lot of conversations around this. It’s not about a specific group of people. It’s really about a system that was created centuries millennia ago. That just doesn’t work anymore. And it needs to be broken down and remade by all of us because it holds everyone back. I think that’s the thing is it, it takes all of us. It takes every single one of us to break down the system because it does,

 

it affects all of us. It really does. And that’s why I felt like this conversation was so important because I want to make sure that if we’re going to go out there and we’re going to fight this fight, if we’re going to create our own rules, if we’re going to step into our power, we know, first of all, who we’re doing it for,

 

and we know what we’re stepping away from. It’s the patriarchy as a system that tells us who we’re supposed to be or who they think rather, they think that we should be based on our gender or maybe even our sexuality or a myriad of other traits. And so I think that’s the thing with the patriarchy. It’s not just about gender roles. It’s so much more,

 

but for today’s show, I want to focus in on how it’s affected us because of our gender. So I know there’s a lot of ways that the patriarchy has affected people outside of gender, right? With all those other things, Lots of other groups, Lots of other groups, Obviously, But I want to focus. Today’s show focusing on this one aspect of the,

 

of the patriarchy, because the reality is the people who created the system. I mean, they’ve been dead for a long time, Centuries, And yet we’re still playing by their rules. We’re playing by the rules that were set by these people all those years ago, generations and generations and generations and generations ago, we’re all still playing by them. And what we need to do is we need to work together.

 

We need to work together to change the system. And it starts by realizing that it is the system. Yeah, it is the system. It’s not people fighting other people, it’s us together fighting the programming. That society starts on us when we’re babies, quite frankly, that tells us what boxes we’re supposed to fit in. And we all know that that doesn’t work for lots of reasons,

 

but that’s really what the patriarchy is. It’s a system that holds us back. I love what you said there about it’s there from birth. I mean, pink and blue right there that says it all baby girls wear pink and baby boys wear blue. And we don’t even talk about non-binary or gender fluid. They’re just ignored and not even discussed. Right.

 

But this is the thing is the roles we play, the choices that we think are there are determined by the pink or the blue or whatever box we’re supposed to check. Right. Right. I remember I first became aware of some of the gender roles and how it plays out when Jack was a baby. So he was probably like a year or two old.

 

And I was, you know, tearing through stacks of books on the side table, trying to figure out the whole parenting thing, which by the way, still trying to figure out like 19 years later, I haven’t found that rule book yet. I haven’t quite figured out how we were doing okay. We’re doing all right. But I remember reading a book about how we talk to our sons.

 

It was, I can’t, I wish I could remember the name of the book, but it was all about how we talk to our boys. And this one study really fascinated me. And it totally shifted how I parented it. Talked about the fact that when we talk to young girls about their emotions, we use hundreds of words. We use little nuanced words and all these very specific words for how we’re feeling when it comes to boys,

 

we use five words, angry, sad. I mean, like, they’re just like these very specific, big bucket words. And a lot of them are about these negative emotions or whatever. Right? And so the book was talking about the fact that we raise our boys using this very stunted, emotional languaging with only five words for emotions versus the hundreds for girls.

 

We tell them, be a big boy, boys, don’t cry, get up, toughen up all these things. And yet when we have husbands, we go, gosh, why aren’t they more sensitive? Why aren’t they in touch with their emotions? Well, it’s because we gave them five words to express them when they were kids. So I became really intent on using a lot of words with Jack.

 

So I think I was more aware of it. I’ll be honest. You know, that’s probably pretty much where I left a lot of that and I kind of wish I’d gone further with it, but I found that astounding. I found that interesting. And it did totally shift how I speak to Jack. I make sure that I use so many different emotional words with him.

 

Yeah. And I, I remember that being very eyeopening for me as well. And thinking back on my life, you know, about kind of chasing you’re conforming to these ideals that the patriarchy puts on us and how a lot of that doesn’t fit with my own personality, you know? And I think for some of us, well, for most of us that leads us to,

 

you know, a lot of unhappiness or unsettleness that we’re going after these ideals that are just really not real. Right. Yeah. I think, I think that’s very true for men and for women, you know, the other day, one of the reasons we’ve been talking about this because of the conversations we’re having with people, when we talk about reclaiming your power,

 

but also you and I were watching a documentary the other night called this changes, everything it’s on Netflix. I feel like every time you’re on the show, I’m like, wait, we just watched a documentary. People probably think we’re like total nerds and we Are, but we do leave the house from time to time. But it was fascinating because it’s,

 

it was about this research that Gina Davis from Thelma and Louise started digging into because she was noticing with her own kids that there wasn’t a lot of positive role modeling about gender roles in the movies and in kids programming and all these different places. And the documentary is called, this changes everything because when, when did Thelma and Louise come out in the 1990s,

 

I was actually working at a movie theater. I was in high school, I’m old, I’m wearing a polyester vest and a polyester blue bow tie. I remember cleaning up a theater at the end of film and Louise it’s been around that long. But the thing with Thelma and Louise is people started saying, oh, this movie is going to change everything.

 

This is going to change how we look at women in the movies. And this is going to shift how women’s roles work and all of those things. Yeah. Cause they were, you know, they were the heroes, they were, they had faults, you know, like a lot of male characters do. And so yeah, it was supposed to change everything.

 

It didn’t here. We are all these years later. And some of the things that I thought were really interesting when we are watching this documentary is they talk about how a lot of these roles and stereotypes, these ways that we think we’re supposed to live or be, or do or act or all those things they’re perpetuated by the movies, by what we see in the movies that tells us,

 

oh, this is, this is how society works. This is how I want to be if I want to be a part of society. But the truth is according to that documentary, 92% of the directors who made the top 250 domestic movies last year were male 92%. And the population is not 92% men. No. Oh, it’s, there’s more women than men,

 

you know? And I think, you know, we, we see Hollywood is a very progressive thing and you know, their work, but a lot of the things that they create are perpetuating these stereotypes and programming us from birth to believe all of the things that the patriarchy sets up. Absolutely. I think that’s, what’s so eyeopening. Yeah, it really is.

 

And you know, one of the other things in the movie that I thought was really shocking was there was more female directors in the 1920s than there are today. That was a hundred years ago. That is insane. Right? In the 1920s, there were more female directors and more female producers. But what happened was once the films went from silence to talkies,

 

talkies, and talkies, all of a sudden they needed more financing, they needed more equipment. And guess who got involved the banks. And as soon as the banking system got involved, women got pushed out And suddenly, you know, we, we have only one woman in the history of the Oscars who’s won the best director role. That’s unbelievable. It’s Unbelievable.

 

One woman in all those years, like 90, some odd years, right? One woman has won the Oscar for best director, Kathryn Bigelow. For those of you who liked to play trivial pursuit or whatever The hurt locker, remember what year it was, but it was awhile ago. It’s a good movie. Well, and this is the thing that there’s a lot of good movies by women.

 

And the thing is, is we need women telling stories. I’d loved what Julie dash said on the documentary. She talked about. One of the reasons why it really makes a difference is our camera placement is different because our gaze is different. The way that we think, the way that we tell stories is vastly different. And we need that in our world.

 

And I think that that’s just this one little microscopic area of, you know, of industry. It just shows how pervasive this is that women are not really placed in a lot of these roles where we can get our viewpoint across. And one of the things I found interesting was they did a survey of a bunch of the different networks. And FX was the one who was by far the worst in terms of diversity.

 

And what’s interesting is they made an initiative to really get better at it. And what they found is by bringing in all of these different perspectives, their programming got way better. Yes. They’re programming. Like it was so much better because they had all these different viewpoints. It wasn’t as one-sided as it used to Be. It wasn’t as one-sided. And I think this is a thing too,

 

for the lot of those men, let’s be honest. A lot of us white men who were in power, it just hadn’t even occurred to them that they were doing this. It becomes this thing where we don’t even realize the way we’re behaving or the way that we’re acting or the way that we’re excluding people. And we didn’t have our eyes open to it.

 

Yeah, that’s right. It’s, it’s a subconscious thing. It’s not an excuse, but that’s the reality of how this works. But what’s interesting is when we start to place more emphasis on diversity, more women, more minorities, you know, more people who are not the norm into these positions, not just with storytelling, but with other places we see other people going,

 

ah, wait, I can do that. It’s actually called the CSI effect. I think, I think it’s so fascinating. It’s Called the CSI effect. It’s because you know, those, all those CSI shows, I don’t know what CSI, Miami CSI, Boston CSI, I don’t know, Tons Habit code, Fictional cities That was murder. She wrote down for those of you who are keeping score on the trivia for today,

 

but what would they have? What they found was when they started putting in these roles as the CSI agent, as these forensic specialists, all of a sudden the number of women enrolled in CSI programs like increased increase. I mean like hugely Exponentially. I rocketed It skyrocketed. And that’s the thing is when we see what’s possible, we believe it’s possible. When I see other women in a position of power or telling their stories,

 

we think, wait, if she can do it, I can do it too. Or other people who are not gender normative or people who have, you know, other forms of sexuality or whatever it is, we start to open our eyes to, oh, wait, this is actually better. Everyone needs role models. Wow. Yeah, exactly. And I don’t want to spend too much time on this documentary.

 

I think it’s definitely a worthwhile watch, but I do Hold on a second, before we move on from the documentary, we have to talk about something else. Right. I mean, we could skip this part if you’d like, Well we could, but I think it’s important because this to me is an example of how deep the programming goes. Right.

 

And this is really a moment for both of us, but one of the people who showed up occasionally throughout the film was Reese Witherspoon. Right. And that, that is exactly Tanya’s reaction when she came on screen. Right. And then at one moment I had to stop the movie and I almost threw the remote against the wall because of this realization. Yeah.

 

And when you paused it, I knew what you were going to say. And I knew what I needed to say, which was, oh, I’m a hypocrite, I’m a hypocrite here. I am talking about how I’m a defender of women and how I have the abundancy mindset and how I, you know, think that women need to be in these positions of power.

 

And yet I have this really not so great opinion of Reese Witherspoon. Yes. And I had the same opinion. Well, okay. So I think we should back up because a lot of people love Reese Witherspoon and I’ve just had this issue. I miss scenes because people will talk about, you know, Reese Witherspoon’s book club. And I’m like, well,

 

you know, did you only choose his books that she has a stake in, she only chooses books where she actually gets a cut from the writers who write the books and then she has the rights to make a movie out of it. So it’s a money-making machine for her, right. It’s a total money making machine. Which, what is the problem with that?

 

Exactly. And that was, that was the realization for me as well, because we’ve had this conversation before, if that was, and this was what hit me, if that was a white man, like let’s say George Lucas, I would think he was a genius. Right. So why did I, and why did Tanya think that Reese Witherspoon was doing something wrong?

 

I acted like it was seedy and it’s not, it’s smart business. And here I am judging, watching and judging. If you guys can tell me the movie, reply to my email, let me know what that’s from. But that’s what I was doing. I was, I was judging her saying like, well, you know, she’s just doing it to make money.

 

And there is nothing wrong with making money. I mean, that’s what I teach business owners to do. As one of the things I talk about that it’s okay to make money. And that’s one of the things with reclaiming your power, being in charge of your finances, right. Being in charge and feeling good about controlling those things. And yet here I was judging another woman.

 

Yeah. And the reality is Reese Witherspoon is doing this to help promote female writers, female directors, female leads, and these movies, all of this to fight the patriarchy. And we were judging her by these old rules, Guilty, guilty, so guilty. I literally, literally the first time that she came on the screen and I was like, oh,

 

why is she in this? That’s the truth. John heard me groan. It came on the screen. And then she starts talking about how, the reason why she does this is because then she’s in charge. And she’s able to bring in these women directors and these women who are writing these novels that are really deep and showcasing women as deeper than just the girlfriend role.

 

And the whole time I’m getting like this pit in my stomach and it’s getting bigger and bigger. And then I, yeah. Then you pause the TV. And I was like, crap, I’m a hypocrite. I am. So I’m going to go out here and say, I’m a hypocrites because I have played into the patriarchy. Right. There is exactly how deeply it’s programmed.

 

And I think this is the big thing it’s recognizing it, you know, because we’re just going through the motions of life. A lot of times the choices we’re making, we don’t even realize we’re choosing them. I wasn’t choosing to not like Reese Witherspoon. I just wasn’t liking her. Right. But it was a choice. It was me judging her.

 

Right. And so I need to start paying attention to my own actions. And I start looking in the mirror, how am I playing into the gender roles that have been created for me? And so I did, you and I did do John and I do about like an hour or so every day we do personal and business growth. We alternate every other day we spend about an hour and we do,

 

we ask each other questions or we’ll dive deep into an exercise or we’ll watch a video or we’ll read a book together and we’ll talk about different things. So we’ll, we’ll dig into the different things that need to shift at us. And that was one of the things that we talked about was where are we playing into gender roles? Because this is the expectation.

 

And there were some, one of the biggest ones, I feel like the, we came up with was our finances. Yeah. Going back to that word finances again, because you know, I, I did really well with my finances when I was single, I was a teacher. I lived off of teacher’s salary. I bought a house single as a teacher,

 

when I was 23 years old. When you went to school, we lived off the teacher’s salary. We paid for your tuition. And we did all of those things. What was interesting though, was even though I was really good with finances, as soon as we got married, what did I, You gave it away. I handed you the finances.

 

And I was like, okay, you’re in charge of finances. Yeah. Yeah. We started falling in to those, you know, quote, norms of gender roles of being the provider, being good with finances, being the homemaker. And we just fell into them. Like most people do without asking the questions of who really Just better at this, or who’s good at this.

 

And the truth is I am good at finances, but I totally abdicated them. I seriously went. I feel like in the 1950s housewife mode where I was like, I don’t do any of the paying the bills or bringing those things. Once you are out, when you had your MBA right prior to that, I did all of it. And I ran it really well.

 

We had a lot of investments. We had a solid amount of savings for two people living off a teacher salary, also paying for college graduate school tuition. Right. And yet I gave it away and then I resented him for it. I resented John for not being in charge of the finances. And so we got into this big discussion where it was like,

 

why did you take it away from me? And you said, I didn’t know, like, No, you didn’t take it away from him. Like that was not even something that we had a conversation about. It was like, I just lumped it into his lap because that was his role or what I thought was supposed to be his role. And he took it because I didn’t question it because it’s,

 

I was the provider. I was the man. Right. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly what happened. And that is how ridiculous it is. But how crazy is that, that we got into this weird dynamic of, even though I’m really good at finances, I handed them away because that’s how it was run in my house. That’s how it was running your house growing up.

 

And we get a lot of these ideas of gender from the movies from society. But also from the things that we see in our own homes, my mom wasn’t in charge of finances and it was because she wasn’t good at finances. And so that’s okay, but it should have been switched for us. And we should have had that conversation, Same conversation that we had when I thought I was going to be a stay-at-home mom,

 

because that’s what I thought I was supposed to be. That was the opportunity for me. And really I’m like, now I’m like, oh my gosh, I love business. I can’t imagine not being in business. Right. So we do, we book that system and we’ve done it in many ways, but in some ways we’re still working on it.

 

Yeah, no, it’s definitely still a work in progress. You know, we we’ve taken on a lot of the kind of home tasks that would be traditionally the stay at home mom role. And, you know, we, we divvy that up. Like I do the laundry in the house, right. Because part of it is because I like doing kind of those things I like to vacuum,

 

You know, everybody’s got a thing I made the kitchen kids’ lunches when we, when they were small, that there’s lots of things that we figured out the other person should be doing because, Hey, they’re better at it. Or they actually like it, whatever. But we started having those conversations and we’re still having them. We’re still having them because we just recently had the finances one crazy enough.

 

And so there’s all this untangling we have to do of the things that we’re, we’re doing without even realizing we’re choosing it. Right. And even when we talk about the fact that you do carpool or you make the kids’ lunches and things like that, that kind of hackles. Some people like some people don’t like that, like what, what’s your husband?

 

Why is he doing the grocery shopping? Or why is he or the teachers want to talk to me? Even though John is perfectly capable of speaking to a teacher about what’s going on with our kids, grades and schoolwork and things like that. It’s fascinating to me. Or people will question that because I am the breadwinner in the family that that’s somehow wrong or that demasculate you.

 

Right. Yeah. And that used to bother me. It doesn’t really bother me anymore because I started to realize that this is not, I mean, that’s not the norm. There’s no reason for people to say that it’s just, they’ve been programmed. So I don’t hold it against them. And it doesn’t make me feel bad as a man anymore because we are comfortable with our roles and we do the things that we are good at and the way that it works for us.

 

Right. And just to clarify, you didn’t feel bad about the fact that I was the breadwinner. He used to feel bad about people judging you For being, for not being the breadwinner. Right. And that that’s the truth. It’s, that’s their own deal. Like it doesn’t, this is, this works for us. We know a lot of other people who the wife is the breadwinner and it works for them.

 

It doesn’t matter. Why, why is that such a thing where it’s like, the man has to be the one who brings home the bacon and the woman is, you know, the one at home. Yeah. And it, I mean, it sounds really antiquated when you, when you say it out loud, but I think we all know that how much pressure that we still have to fulfill those roles.

 

And, you know, it’s, it’s really not good for any of us, you know, especially with our relationship we realized, and we’ve started to realize that those things don’t work for us and it makes us happier. You know, I think when we’re chasing these roles that we’re really not supposed to have, or we’re really not good at, it’s a recipe for unhappiness,

 

you know, loneliness, all kinds of things, because we’re not being true to ourselves. So you can get off your soap box. Now. That was really good. You’re welcome. But I, I think you’re, you’re spot on right there. I think that that’s exactly the thing. Patriarchy keeps us all of us from stepping into our power and into our truest selves.

 

I think you just said it better just now. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. You usually do the talking. That’s true. That is true in all areas of our world. That is true. So this is the thing is I want you to think about who are you fighting? What is it, what are the things that you’re doing in your world in your life?

 

Because you think you’re supposed to, or you should, those are our red flag words. I should be doing this, or I’m supposed to be doing that. What are those things in your head that you’re telling yourself or that society is telling you that doesn’t really fit and how can we push against them? That’s what I’m excited about with this season is we’re really diving into this idea of power.

 

And we’re going to talk about how we’re going to talk about finances. We’re going to talk about sex. Oh my God. Oh boy. We are going to talk about sex on this show. Dad, I know you listened to the podcast gear up for that because it’s happening. I’ll send you an email Bob, before that episode comes out. But the funny thing is in our last Intentional advantage live,

 

I asked the women. I said, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking we need to talk about sex. If we can’t talk about our power without talking about that forbidden P word pleasure. So we’re going to talk about pleasure. We’re going to talk about sex. We’re going to talk about what that looks like. Things we’ve never talked about on the show.

 

And I can’t tell you how amazing it was to read the chat and the thing, the way people responded. And now the emails from the people who are watching the replay, where they’re like, I cannot wait for us to talk about this. Yep. I think it’s going to be really good. I know we’ve had a lot of good conversations about that,

 

you know, in our own personal life. But I was really excited to see the response when you brought that up and that that live a couple of weeks ago, they’re really fired up about it. And I think it’s great. I’m fired up about it, but I’m going to be honest here. I’ve been thinking to myself, we need to do a show on sex.

 

Every single time I send out a survey. Every single time guys, somebody asks me questions about sex. Not somebody somebodies, multiple people. People will ask me really personal questions. Like how many times a week do you have sex with your husband? I’m not answering that, but they’ll ask questions. Like, how do you make time for sex? How do you all those things which are important?

 

And I have shied away from them. And one of the reasons why I shied away is, Hey dad, I know you’re listening to this podcast. And for some reason, sex is shameful and it makes us feel a little bit guilty. And I am ready to shed that. I am ready to stop feeling, shame and guilt when it comes to pleasure when it comes to feeling good,

 

when it comes to being in my own power. And that means all areas of my life, not just who I am in business, but also the way I’m in the bedroom. And we’re not going to get super graphic or anything like that. But I’m bringing on some experts. I think you guys are going to love because I want you to feel more empowered to step forward in life.

 

That’s what I want for you. So you can look for those episodes coming up in the next couple of weeks, because it’s happening, It’s happening, It’s happening. This was a good conversation. I really, John, these are the kinds of conversations. Sometimes John and I will have on the couch. And I’m like, I wish we could just record these because these are the types of conversations.

 

I think that matter, that make a difference in our marriage, that we do talk about the gender roles we do talk about who are we fighting with the patriarchy? What does this look like for you? And I think that that makes a huge difference. So I’m, I’m happy that you came on because I think it’s a little bit daunting as a man to come in and talk about patriarchy.

 

Yeah. I mean, it is a little bit, and I appreciate you being inviting me on and having me talk about this, because I do think it’s important to understand that it is a system that really affects a lot of people, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. And it’s something that we all need to work towards to bring about something different.

 

Cause it does. It just doesn’t work. Well. This is the thing is we need allies. We all need to work together. And I think when it comes to stepping into your power, it is not about doing it alone, stepping into your power doesn’t mean shutting aside, everybody else and everything in your world, it’s bringing people alongside of you.

 

It’s allowing others to help lift you up and you lifting them up in turn. That is real power. When we step into who we are authentically, completely and wholly, when we decide that we are ready to live a life on our own terms, damn the system, no matter what the rest of the world is doing, we want to live life on our own terms.

 

That’s when we have the Intentional advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today. Quick question though, before you go, do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the Intentional advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloatTanyadalton.com with a screenshot. I choose one winner at the end of every month.

 

So go ahead and do it right now. Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way. Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course,

 

I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast. And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it. So there you go to great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it, send that screenshot my way,

 

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Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades. It had it all wrong. I’m Tanya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur best-selling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The Intentional advantage is doing life on our own terms.

 

Define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definition. Society’s name for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the chaotic rush of your every day and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world and it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.

 

Let’s choose to be extraordinary. Hello? Hello everyone. And welcome to the Intentional advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 261. I’ve got John on the show with me today. Hello, everybody. That was very official. I have John on the show today because you know, this season, we are talking about stepping into our power and reclaiming our power and what that looks like.

 

And I felt like it was really important to have a conversation about where we’re spending our power. Is that a good way of putting it? I think that is a good way of putting it. Yes. Yeah. Well, you know, it’s funny because when I talked to a lot of women about reclaiming your power, like I’ll say, oh, we’re doing a season on reclaiming your power.

 

And a lot of women will be like, yeah, if the patriarchy and the patriarchy and all these things, right? Like that’s what we hear all the time. And I think really the question that I want us to dive into today is who are you really fighting? Who is it as women? And let’s be honest as women, we have been fighting for millennia,

 

Not For centuries, not for a couple of decades, not since the 1920s, but millennia. Right? We have been fighting, but who are we really fighting? You know, there’s all this, I don’t know stuff going on where it’s like the patriarchy down with the patriarchy, the patriarchy is the worst and all of those things. And really what I think we need to do is we need to take time to step back and understand what is the patriarchy,

 

who is it? We’re really fighting because if we’re looking at the wrong things, as the patriarchy, we’re spinning our wheels, it’s pulling our focus away from places where we could really make a difference. Yes. You know, and I totally agree. And you know, we talked about this and you who better to have on your podcast to talk about the patriarchy then me a white guy,

 

right? The white man. That’s I mean, I think that’s part of it when we’re talking about who are we fighting? I feel like, well, okay, here’s a good example. I, this is obviously a while back, cause I’ve been off of social media for a while, but there was this meme going around about a baby elephant weighs.

 

I can’t remember like 364 pounds making it the biggest baby, other than cisgender white men. And then it said F the patriarchy. Right? And I was like, no, that’s not what the patriarchy is. That’s not what it means when we’re talking about the patriarchy. It’s so much bigger than one group of people. Yeah. And I think that’s really the main thing.

 

And we’ve had a lot of conversations around this. It’s not about a specific group of people. It’s really about a system that was created centuries millennia ago. That just doesn’t work anymore. And it needs to be broken down and remade by all of us because it holds everyone back. I think that’s the thing is it, it takes all of us. It takes every single one of us to break down the system because it does,

 

it affects all of us. It really does. And that’s why I felt like this conversation was so important because I want to make sure that if we’re going to go out there and we’re going to fight this fight, if we’re going to create our own rules, if we’re going to step into our power, we know, first of all, who we’re doing it for,

 

and we know what we’re stepping away from. It’s the patriarchy as a system that tells us who we’re supposed to be or who they think rather, they think that we should be based on our gender or maybe even our sexuality or a myriad of other traits. And so I think that’s the thing with the patriarchy. It’s not just about gender roles. It’s so much more,

 

but for today’s show, I want to focus in on how it’s affected us because of our gender. So I know there’s a lot of ways that the patriarchy has affected people outside of gender, right? With all those other things, Lots of other groups, Lots of other groups, Obviously, But I want to focus. Today’s show focusing on this one aspect of the,

 

of the patriarchy, because the reality is the people who created the system. I mean, they’ve been dead for a long time, Centuries, And yet we’re still playing by their rules. We’re playing by the rules that were set by these people all those years ago, generations and generations and generations and generations ago, we’re all still playing by them. And what we need to do is we need to work together.

 

We need to work together to change the system. And it starts by realizing that it is the system. Yeah, it is the system. It’s not people fighting other people, it’s us together fighting the programming. That society starts on us when we’re babies, quite frankly, that tells us what boxes we’re supposed to fit in. And we all know that that doesn’t work for lots of reasons,

 

but that’s really what the patriarchy is. It’s a system that holds us back. I love what you said there about it’s there from birth. I mean, pink and blue right there that says it all baby girls wear pink and baby boys wear blue. And we don’t even talk about non-binary or gender fluid. They’re just ignored and not even discussed. Right.

 

But this is the thing is the roles we play, the choices that we think are there are determined by the pink or the blue or whatever box we’re supposed to check. Right. Right. I remember I first became aware of some of the gender roles and how it plays out when Jack was a baby. So he was probably like a year or two old.

 

And I was, you know, tearing through stacks of books on the side table, trying to figure out the whole parenting thing, which by the way, still trying to figure out like 19 years later, I haven’t found that rule book yet. I haven’t quite figured out how we were doing okay. We’re doing all right. But I remember reading a book about how we talk to our sons.

 

It was, I can’t, I wish I could remember the name of the book, but it was all about how we talk to our boys. And this one study really fascinated me. And it totally shifted how I parented it. Talked about the fact that when we talk to young girls about their emotions, we use hundreds of words. We use little nuanced words and all these very specific words for how we’re feeling when it comes to boys,

 

we use five words, angry, sad. I mean, like, they’re just like these very specific, big bucket words. And a lot of them are about these negative emotions or whatever. Right? And so the book was talking about the fact that we raise our boys using this very stunted, emotional languaging with only five words for emotions versus the hundreds for girls.

 

We tell them, be a big boy, boys, don’t cry, get up, toughen up all these things. And yet when we have husbands, we go, gosh, why aren’t they more sensitive? Why aren’t they in touch with their emotions? Well, it’s because we gave them five words to express them when they were kids. So I became really intent on using a lot of words with Jack.

 

So I think I was more aware of it. I’ll be honest. You know, that’s probably pretty much where I left a lot of that and I kind of wish I’d gone further with it, but I found that astounding. I found that interesting. And it did totally shift how I speak to Jack. I make sure that I use so many different emotional words with him.

 

Yeah. And I, I remember that being very eyeopening for me as well. And thinking back on my life, you know, about kind of chasing you’re conforming to these ideals that the patriarchy puts on us and how a lot of that doesn’t fit with my own personality, you know? And I think for some of us, well, for most of us that leads us to,

 

you know, a lot of unhappiness or unsettleness that we’re going after these ideals that are just really not real. Right. Yeah. I think, I think that’s very true for men and for women, you know, the other day, one of the reasons we’ve been talking about this because of the conversations we’re having with people, when we talk about reclaiming your power,

 

but also you and I were watching a documentary the other night called this changes, everything it’s on Netflix. I feel like every time you’re on the show, I’m like, wait, we just watched a documentary. People probably think we’re like total nerds and we Are, but we do leave the house from time to time. But it was fascinating because it’s,

 

it was about this research that Gina Davis from Thelma and Louise started digging into because she was noticing with her own kids that there wasn’t a lot of positive role modeling about gender roles in the movies and in kids programming and all these different places. And the documentary is called, this changes everything because when, when did Thelma and Louise come out in the 1990s,

 

I was actually working at a movie theater. I was in high school, I’m old, I’m wearing a polyester vest and a polyester blue bow tie. I remember cleaning up a theater at the end of film and Louise it’s been around that long. But the thing with Thelma and Louise is people started saying, oh, this movie is going to change everything.

 

This is going to change how we look at women in the movies. And this is going to shift how women’s roles work and all of those things. Yeah. Cause they were, you know, they were the heroes, they were, they had faults, you know, like a lot of male characters do. And so yeah, it was supposed to change everything.

 

It didn’t here. We are all these years later. And some of the things that I thought were really interesting when we are watching this documentary is they talk about how a lot of these roles and stereotypes, these ways that we think we’re supposed to live or be, or do or act or all those things they’re perpetuated by the movies, by what we see in the movies that tells us,

 

oh, this is, this is how society works. This is how I want to be if I want to be a part of society. But the truth is according to that documentary, 92% of the directors who made the top 250 domestic movies last year were male 92%. And the population is not 92% men. No. Oh, it’s, there’s more women than men,

 

you know? And I think, you know, we, we see Hollywood is a very progressive thing and you know, their work, but a lot of the things that they create are perpetuating these stereotypes and programming us from birth to believe all of the things that the patriarchy sets up. Absolutely. I think that’s, what’s so eyeopening. Yeah, it really is.

 

And you know, one of the other things in the movie that I thought was really shocking was there was more female directors in the 1920s than there are today. That was a hundred years ago. That is insane. Right? In the 1920s, there were more female directors and more female producers. But what happened was once the films went from silence to talkies,

 

talkies, and talkies, all of a sudden they needed more financing, they needed more equipment. And guess who got involved the banks. And as soon as the banking system got involved, women got pushed out And suddenly, you know, we, we have only one woman in the history of the Oscars who’s won the best director role. That’s unbelievable. It’s Unbelievable.

 

One woman in all those years, like 90, some odd years, right? One woman has won the Oscar for best director, Kathryn Bigelow. For those of you who liked to play trivial pursuit or whatever The hurt locker, remember what year it was, but it was awhile ago. It’s a good movie. Well, and this is the thing that there’s a lot of good movies by women.

 

And the thing is, is we need women telling stories. I’d loved what Julie dash said on the documentary. She talked about. One of the reasons why it really makes a difference is our camera placement is different because our gaze is different. The way that we think, the way that we tell stories is vastly different. And we need that in our world.

 

And I think that that’s just this one little microscopic area of, you know, of industry. It just shows how pervasive this is that women are not really placed in a lot of these roles where we can get our viewpoint across. And one of the things I found interesting was they did a survey of a bunch of the different networks. And FX was the one who was by far the worst in terms of diversity.

 

And what’s interesting is they made an initiative to really get better at it. And what they found is by bringing in all of these different perspectives, their programming got way better. Yes. They’re programming. Like it was so much better because they had all these different viewpoints. It wasn’t as one-sided as it used to Be. It wasn’t as one-sided. And I think this is a thing too,

 

for the lot of those men, let’s be honest. A lot of us white men who were in power, it just hadn’t even occurred to them that they were doing this. It becomes this thing where we don’t even realize the way we’re behaving or the way that we’re acting or the way that we’re excluding people. And we didn’t have our eyes open to it.

 

Yeah, that’s right. It’s, it’s a subconscious thing. It’s not an excuse, but that’s the reality of how this works. But what’s interesting is when we start to place more emphasis on diversity, more women, more minorities, you know, more people who are not the norm into these positions, not just with storytelling, but with other places we see other people going,

 

ah, wait, I can do that. It’s actually called the CSI effect. I think, I think it’s so fascinating. It’s Called the CSI effect. It’s because you know, those, all those CSI shows, I don’t know what CSI, Miami CSI, Boston CSI, I don’t know, Tons Habit code, Fictional cities That was murder. She wrote down for those of you who are keeping score on the trivia for today,

 

but what would they have? What they found was when they started putting in these roles as the CSI agent, as these forensic specialists, all of a sudden the number of women enrolled in CSI programs like increased increase. I mean like hugely Exponentially. I rocketed It skyrocketed. And that’s the thing is when we see what’s possible, we believe it’s possible. When I see other women in a position of power or telling their stories,

 

we think, wait, if she can do it, I can do it too. Or other people who are not gender normative or people who have, you know, other forms of sexuality or whatever it is, we start to open our eyes to, oh, wait, this is actually better. Everyone needs role models. Wow. Yeah, exactly. And I don’t want to spend too much time on this documentary.

 

I think it’s definitely a worthwhile watch, but I do Hold on a second, before we move on from the documentary, we have to talk about something else. Right. I mean, we could skip this part if you’d like, Well we could, but I think it’s important because this to me is an example of how deep the programming goes. Right.

 

And this is really a moment for both of us, but one of the people who showed up occasionally throughout the film was Reese Witherspoon. Right. And that, that is exactly Tanya’s reaction when she came on screen. Right. And then at one moment I had to stop the movie and I almost threw the remote against the wall because of this realization. Yeah.

 

And when you paused it, I knew what you were going to say. And I knew what I needed to say, which was, oh, I’m a hypocrite, I’m a hypocrite here. I am talking about how I’m a defender of women and how I have the abundancy mindset and how I, you know, think that women need to be in these positions of power.

 

And yet I have this really not so great opinion of Reese Witherspoon. Yes. And I had the same opinion. Well, okay. So I think we should back up because a lot of people love Reese Witherspoon and I’ve just had this issue. I miss scenes because people will talk about, you know, Reese Witherspoon’s book club. And I’m like, well,

 

you know, did you only choose his books that she has a stake in, she only chooses books where she actually gets a cut from the writers who write the books and then she has the rights to make a movie out of it. So it’s a money-making machine for her, right. It’s a total money making machine. Which, what is the problem with that?

 

Exactly. And that was, that was the realization for me as well, because we’ve had this conversation before, if that was, and this was what hit me, if that was a white man, like let’s say George Lucas, I would think he was a genius. Right. So why did I, and why did Tanya think that Reese Witherspoon was doing something wrong?

 

I acted like it was seedy and it’s not, it’s smart business. And here I am judging, watching and judging. If you guys can tell me the movie, reply to my email, let me know what that’s from. But that’s what I was doing. I was, I was judging her saying like, well, you know, she’s just doing it to make money.

 

And there is nothing wrong with making money. I mean, that’s what I teach business owners to do. As one of the things I talk about that it’s okay to make money. And that’s one of the things with reclaiming your power, being in charge of your finances, right. Being in charge and feeling good about controlling those things. And yet here I was judging another woman.

 

Yeah. And the reality is Reese Witherspoon is doing this to help promote female writers, female directors, female leads, and these movies, all of this to fight the patriarchy. And we were judging her by these old rules, Guilty, guilty, so guilty. I literally, literally the first time that she came on the screen and I was like, oh,

 

why is she in this? That’s the truth. John heard me groan. It came on the screen. And then she starts talking about how, the reason why she does this is because then she’s in charge. And she’s able to bring in these women directors and these women who are writing these novels that are really deep and showcasing women as deeper than just the girlfriend role.

 

And the whole time I’m getting like this pit in my stomach and it’s getting bigger and bigger. And then I, yeah. Then you pause the TV. And I was like, crap, I’m a hypocrite. I am. So I’m going to go out here and say, I’m a hypocrites because I have played into the patriarchy. Right. There is exactly how deeply it’s programmed.

 

And I think this is the big thing it’s recognizing it, you know, because we’re just going through the motions of life. A lot of times the choices we’re making, we don’t even realize we’re choosing them. I wasn’t choosing to not like Reese Witherspoon. I just wasn’t liking her. Right. But it was a choice. It was me judging her.

 

Right. And so I need to start paying attention to my own actions. And I start looking in the mirror, how am I playing into the gender roles that have been created for me? And so I did, you and I did do John and I do about like an hour or so every day we do personal and business growth. We alternate every other day we spend about an hour and we do,

 

we ask each other questions or we’ll dive deep into an exercise or we’ll watch a video or we’ll read a book together and we’ll talk about different things. So we’ll, we’ll dig into the different things that need to shift at us. And that was one of the things that we talked about was where are we playing into gender roles? Because this is the expectation.

 

And there were some, one of the biggest ones, I feel like the, we came up with was our finances. Yeah. Going back to that word finances again, because you know, I, I did really well with my finances when I was single, I was a teacher. I lived off of teacher’s salary. I bought a house single as a teacher,

 

when I was 23 years old. When you went to school, we lived off the teacher’s salary. We paid for your tuition. And we did all of those things. What was interesting though, was even though I was really good with finances, as soon as we got married, what did I, You gave it away. I handed you the finances.

 

And I was like, okay, you’re in charge of finances. Yeah. Yeah. We started falling in to those, you know, quote, norms of gender roles of being the provider, being good with finances, being the homemaker. And we just fell into them. Like most people do without asking the questions of who really Just better at this, or who’s good at this.

 

And the truth is I am good at finances, but I totally abdicated them. I seriously went. I feel like in the 1950s housewife mode where I was like, I don’t do any of the paying the bills or bringing those things. Once you are out, when you had your MBA right prior to that, I did all of it. And I ran it really well.

 

We had a lot of investments. We had a solid amount of savings for two people living off a teacher salary, also paying for college graduate school tuition. Right. And yet I gave it away and then I resented him for it. I resented John for not being in charge of the finances. And so we got into this big discussion where it was like,

 

why did you take it away from me? And you said, I didn’t know, like, No, you didn’t take it away from him. Like that was not even something that we had a conversation about. It was like, I just lumped it into his lap because that was his role or what I thought was supposed to be his role. And he took it because I didn’t question it because it’s,

 

I was the provider. I was the man. Right. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly what happened. And that is how ridiculous it is. But how crazy is that, that we got into this weird dynamic of, even though I’m really good at finances, I handed them away because that’s how it was run in my house. That’s how it was running your house growing up.

 

And we get a lot of these ideas of gender from the movies from society. But also from the things that we see in our own homes, my mom wasn’t in charge of finances and it was because she wasn’t good at finances. And so that’s okay, but it should have been switched for us. And we should have had that conversation, Same conversation that we had when I thought I was going to be a stay-at-home mom,

 

because that’s what I thought I was supposed to be. That was the opportunity for me. And really I’m like, now I’m like, oh my gosh, I love business. I can’t imagine not being in business. Right. So we do, we book that system and we’ve done it in many ways, but in some ways we’re still working on it.

 

Yeah, no, it’s definitely still a work in progress. You know, we we’ve taken on a lot of the kind of home tasks that would be traditionally the stay at home mom role. And, you know, we, we divvy that up. Like I do the laundry in the house, right. Because part of it is because I like doing kind of those things I like to vacuum,

 

You know, everybody’s got a thing I made the kitchen kids’ lunches when we, when they were small, that there’s lots of things that we figured out the other person should be doing because, Hey, they’re better at it. Or they actually like it, whatever. But we started having those conversations and we’re still having them. We’re still having them because we just recently had the finances one crazy enough.

 

And so there’s all this untangling we have to do of the things that we’re, we’re doing without even realizing we’re choosing it. Right. And even when we talk about the fact that you do carpool or you make the kids’ lunches and things like that, that kind of hackles. Some people like some people don’t like that, like what, what’s your husband?

 

Why is he doing the grocery shopping? Or why is he or the teachers want to talk to me? Even though John is perfectly capable of speaking to a teacher about what’s going on with our kids, grades and schoolwork and things like that. It’s fascinating to me. Or people will question that because I am the breadwinner in the family that that’s somehow wrong or that demasculate you.

 

Right. Yeah. And that used to bother me. It doesn’t really bother me anymore because I started to realize that this is not, I mean, that’s not the norm. There’s no reason for people to say that it’s just, they’ve been programmed. So I don’t hold it against them. And it doesn’t make me feel bad as a man anymore because we are comfortable with our roles and we do the things that we are good at and the way that it works for us.

 

Right. And just to clarify, you didn’t feel bad about the fact that I was the breadwinner. He used to feel bad about people judging you For being, for not being the breadwinner. Right. And that that’s the truth. It’s, that’s their own deal. Like it doesn’t, this is, this works for us. We know a lot of other people who the wife is the breadwinner and it works for them.

 

It doesn’t matter. Why, why is that such a thing where it’s like, the man has to be the one who brings home the bacon and the woman is, you know, the one at home. Yeah. And it, I mean, it sounds really antiquated when you, when you say it out loud, but I think we all know that how much pressure that we still have to fulfill those roles.

 

And, you know, it’s, it’s really not good for any of us, you know, especially with our relationship we realized, and we’ve started to realize that those things don’t work for us and it makes us happier. You know, I think when we’re chasing these roles that we’re really not supposed to have, or we’re really not good at, it’s a recipe for unhappiness,

 

you know, loneliness, all kinds of things, because we’re not being true to ourselves. So you can get off your soap box. Now. That was really good. You’re welcome. But I, I think you’re, you’re spot on right there. I think that that’s exactly the thing. Patriarchy keeps us all of us from stepping into our power and into our truest selves.

 

I think you just said it better just now. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. You usually do the talking. That’s true. That is true in all areas of our world. That is true. So this is the thing is I want you to think about who are you fighting? What is it, what are the things that you’re doing in your world in your life?

 

Because you think you’re supposed to, or you should, those are our red flag words. I should be doing this, or I’m supposed to be doing that. What are those things in your head that you’re telling yourself or that society is telling you that doesn’t really fit and how can we push against them? That’s what I’m excited about with this season is we’re really diving into this idea of power.

 

And we’re going to talk about how we’re going to talk about finances. We’re going to talk about sex. Oh my God. Oh boy. We are going to talk about sex on this show. Dad, I know you listened to the podcast gear up for that because it’s happening. I’ll send you an email Bob, before that episode comes out. But the funny thing is in our last Intentional advantage live,

 

I asked the women. I said, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking we need to talk about sex. If we can’t talk about our power without talking about that forbidden P word pleasure. So we’re going to talk about pleasure. We’re going to talk about sex. We’re going to talk about what that looks like. Things we’ve never talked about on the show.

 

And I can’t tell you how amazing it was to read the chat and the thing, the way people responded. And now the emails from the people who are watching the replay, where they’re like, I cannot wait for us to talk about this. Yep. I think it’s going to be really good. I know we’ve had a lot of good conversations about that,

 

you know, in our own personal life. But I was really excited to see the response when you brought that up and that that live a couple of weeks ago, they’re really fired up about it. And I think it’s great. I’m fired up about it, but I’m going to be honest here. I’ve been thinking to myself, we need to do a show on sex.

 

Every single time I send out a survey. Every single time guys, somebody asks me questions about sex. Not somebody somebodies, multiple people. People will ask me really personal questions. Like how many times a week do you have sex with your husband? I’m not answering that, but they’ll ask questions. Like, how do you make time for sex? How do you all those things which are important?

 

And I have shied away from them. And one of the reasons why I shied away is, Hey dad, I know you’re listening to this podcast. And for some reason, sex is shameful and it makes us feel a little bit guilty. And I am ready to shed that. I am ready to stop feeling, shame and guilt when it comes to pleasure when it comes to feeling good,

 

when it comes to being in my own power. And that means all areas of my life, not just who I am in business, but also the way I’m in the bedroom. And we’re not going to get super graphic or anything like that. But I’m bringing on some experts. I think you guys are going to love because I want you to feel more empowered to step forward in life.

 

That’s what I want for you. So you can look for those episodes coming up in the next couple of weeks, because it’s happening, It’s happening, It’s happening. This was a good conversation. I really, John, these are the kinds of conversations. Sometimes John and I will have on the couch. And I’m like, I wish we could just record these because these are the types of conversations.

 

I think that matter, that make a difference in our marriage, that we do talk about the gender roles we do talk about who are we fighting with the patriarchy? What does this look like for you? And I think that that makes a huge difference. So I’m, I’m happy that you came on because I think it’s a little bit daunting as a man to come in and talk about patriarchy.

 

Yeah. I mean, it is a little bit, and I appreciate you being inviting me on and having me talk about this, because I do think it’s important to understand that it is a system that really affects a lot of people, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman. And it’s something that we all need to work towards to bring about something different.

 

Cause it does. It just doesn’t work. Well. This is the thing is we need allies. We all need to work together. And I think when it comes to stepping into your power, it is not about doing it alone, stepping into your power doesn’t mean shutting aside, everybody else and everything in your world, it’s bringing people alongside of you.

 

It’s allowing others to help lift you up and you lifting them up in turn. That is real power. When we step into who we are authentically, completely and wholly, when we decide that we are ready to live a life on our own terms, damn the system, no matter what the rest of the world is doing, we want to live life on our own terms.

 

 

**This transcript was made using AI.

Tanya Dalton has been called the best female motivational keynote speaker on the topic of productivity, time management, finding balance and goal setting. She is a woman who loves speaking to corporate audiences, entrepreneurs and women’s organizations about living your best life. She is a productivity expert and author of two best selling books.