285: The Importance of Support with Erika Herridge

Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to the Intentional Advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 285. We are in our season talking about the spiritual Art of Work and Life. And I knew that I wanted to talk about relationships this season. Relationships are so important, feeling connected feeling a sense of belonging. So I knew I wanted to bring on a very special guests today. I’ve got Erika Herridge on the show. Now, you may never have heard of Erika herridge. But she is the person who’s probably influenced my life more than anyone else other than my husband, John. She’s my best friend of almost 20 years. And I am thrilled to have her on today’s show. Because we’re going to dive into talking about how do we stay connected. She lives in Dallas, I live in Asheville, we are really far apart, how do we stay connected? I share an exercise that I use was inspired by Erica to really help me let go of some of the inner critic in my head, we’re going to share with you as well, the one single thing that I have done that has absolutely transformed my relationship with my daughter, Kay. And it transformed Erika’s relationship in her own life as well. Erika is such an incredible person, I’m so excited for you to meet her. She is a director of health services at an all girls college prep. So she has this amazing nursing background. She is super nurturing. She’s just an all around incredible person. I’m so excited to introduce you to her. So let’s get started.

Tanya Dalton
There’s a spiritual art to work and life. I’m not talking about sitting in silence on a mountaintop or chanting mantras for hours a day. But finding meaning in your work in everyday life can increase your productivity boost your happiness. And yes, make you feel so much better about your days. I’m Tanya Dalton, a best selling author, motivational speaker seven figure entrepreneur, and oh, yeah, wife and mom. So I get it. I understand the stress of daily life. But as a productivity expert, I’m here to help you choose the extraordinary life. This season, we will be exploring work, parenting, personal growth and more. Because when you choose to be intentional, every day can be filled with meaning let’s create the world we want our daughters to live in. This is the Intentional Advantage.

Tanya Dalton
I am so excited Erika, for us to be having this conversation today and recording it because honestly, you have been alongside with me for my entire parenting journey. Pretty much we met when Jack was maybe a year old. Maybe not quite. I can’t remember. But it’s we’ve been friends for about 20 years, right? Yeah. And Erika does not normally do podcasts. This is your first podcast you’ve ever been on?

Erika Herridge
It is it is I’m a newbie,

Tanya Dalton
a newbie. So I Voxered Erika, because I said, you know, I really want to this season, have real conversations with people who I think are incredible, who have shaped and molded me we have such great conversations. So I said to Erika, I said, Hey, would you be willing to go on the podcast with me? She was like, what, like, you want to talk to me publicly? Funny, because I just I don’t know, because I’m like we Yes, I felt like I’m like hiding. You

Erika Herridge
guys are in the closet.

Tanya Dalton
It’s just so nice to introduce you to my listeners because I feel like you in our conversations just, they’ve shaped who I am. They shape what I talk about on the podcast they have since the very beginning. You’ve been so influential in my life. And I’m just I’m so grateful I am daily. I am grateful for Erika and having her in my life. So it’s just so fun to be able to have you on here. And I just want to brag on you a little bit because as I said, we’ve we’ve been friends for close to 20 years, which when I say stuff like that, like 20 years horrifying. Totally horrifying, like how are we possibly that old? I’m only like 26. So even though I have an almost 20 year old, although by the time this airs who will have turned 20 I still think of myself as being 26.

Erika Herridge
Right? Yeah, we still young we act young, you know, you gotta stay young as much as you can. In any way we can. Right?

Tanya Dalton
Yeah. Did you say we act younger? We act stupid because we do X to each other?

Erika Herridge
Yeah, I think we have to. It’s like, age is just a number. So when we’re together we act you know, we have to have some fun.

Tanya Dalton
It’s so true. It’s so true. And Erika and her husband Curt are just there like there are people. I think when our kids were little if we could have they would have been like can we all live in a giant teepee together like a common

Erika Herridge
one. point that like, I think we were adding on to our house. They’re like, Wait, why are you adding on? What can’t we just all those in we can just move in together?

Tanya Dalton
They did. They wanted to move in together and live in one big happy family and part of me regrets. Because seriously, it takes a village. It really does. And I think they had it figured out, way back when when they did do things like that, you know, like the book like the red tent, when they all came together. I’m like, Why do we always feel like we have to do it alone? Why do we always feel like we have to do everything by ourselves. So it will calm you. But here’s the thing. And I Erika, I didn’t know that I was gonna talk about this. But Erika, and Curt, have been so incredibly supportive of me and my journey. And John, of course, the four of us just get along so so well. But, you know, I wish everybody had somebody like Erika and their life because constantly supportive we even though we live so I live in Asheville, and Erika lives in Dallas, which is where we met back when I was living in Dallas. We’re still incredibly close. And in fact, when we made the decision, I made the decision to close my first business. I started it in 2008. You were there. You remember how crazy that was my little my little side business. I started 50 bucks. That made the decision to close it to open up Inkwell Press. And that was a hard time for us because we literally tightened our belts in every way shape or form possible. We didn’t spend any money on anything that wasn’t focused on starting this new business. Inkwell Press productivity Co. And, you know, we love to travel together and do things together. And Curt and Erika called us and they were like, Hey, What are y’all doing this summer? We’re like, we’re not doing anything. We have no pennies to rub together. We had no money at all. And I remember you guys said, Well, you know, we got this beach house, and it’s way too big. So y’all should just come to this beach house with us. And they invited us to go on this trip. They paid for the beach house, they paid for everything. I was like, Okay, I have to cook all the food, which you know, I love anyways, cook all the food. But it’s that incredible. Like, here we are like, oh, gosh, it’s so sad. We can’t take our kids on vacation. And our friends step up. And they’re like, We see you. We see what you’re doing. We believe in you. And you guys totally. I I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved. And so seen by by someone other than John ever, ever than that.

Erika Herridge
Well, I mean, frankly, Tanya, you deserved it. I mean, like you said, we just love you guys. And we’ve spent so much time together. And it was when you told me how much it meant to. I guess it just didn’t realize, you know, you don’t really realize it and not very often do people fully share what something means to them. You know? So I want to thank you for sharing that how our experience doing that for you guys and how much that meant to you. Because not very often do people say you know me that time you did this 10 years ago or whatever. This is how much it meant to me. We don’t do that enough for people, you know. And so our gift to you was really a gift back to us because we love you guys. And we just loves spending time with you guys, our kids. I mean, could you imagine not seeing you guys for a summer? I mean, no, I can’t there would have been they would have been really upset. And the same thing for us. I mean, our time with you guys is special. So while it was a it was kind of something that we did, because we love you guys, but we could not even dream about not being with you guys. And for a summer. You know, me you guys were having a hard time. And I mean, no questions asked. We were like No, are you kidding? You’re coming, you know.

Tanya Dalton
So no, I think we were like, no, no, like, No, you’re coming. It’s already decided we weren’t even gotten the house. You’re like we already got the house. It’s it’s already paid for. I think that is such a gift for people to see you. And when I talk about Erika to other people. I truly believe Erika is the first person who made me feel like I belong. I never felt like I belonged ever growing up ever. Because we moved every two or three years, usually two years, usually less. By the time I felt like I was getting to know people we would uproot and we would move again we moved 11 times before I turned 18 I didn’t feel like I had good strong relationships with anyone outside of my family. I met John and obviously we had a strong relationship but I never felt like I belonged in any group until I met you and you were just so welcoming and open and just accepted me with who I am. And I think that is such a gift to have. And I think that’s why it’s so important. When I was talking to Erica about the show today, I was like when you are talking I was like I want to talk about relationships because Your relationship with me my relationship with you is so important to me. It is absolutely something that I prioritize. And we make sure that we, we do everything we can to work around what we need to so we can see each other so that we can hang out so we can talk to each other. And you’re really good at cultivating relationships. I think I, I feel like I’m not good at it. But you make me good at it.

Erika Herridge
Oh, you’re so sweet. I’m surprised you say that about yourself? I really am. I mean, with everything that you’ve done with your business and the connections that you’ve made? I mean, how can you not feel like you’re good at relationship building, when that’s kind of like the foundation of your business? You know? So I think you need to give yourself more credit there,

Tanya Dalton
maybe, but

Erika Herridge
no, I but I do, I really appreciate you saying that about relationships and how important they are. Because truly family from from day one has been, for me even growing up was the just the basis of who I am. And so to foster that with my kids and my relationship to my friends. That’s huge. And I think that, gosh, why are we here? If we’re not, you know, we’re just so relational humans are relational people. And I feel like the past few years, or I don’t know how many 10 years or so we’ve gotten away from that a little bit, you know, so I think relationship building is huge to talk about right now.

Tanya Dalton
I think you’re right, I think we have as a society moved away from that. And we see so many differences are the things that we don’t agree on. And what what I think it’s funny is you and I, in our 20 year relationship, or almost 20 year relationship we’ve had how many fights? One, one fight, we referenced the fight, because we automatically know we’re like, how many fights we had one we know exactly where it was. But what I think is really interesting is Erika and I have a lot of very different viewpoints on things. We sometimes are on different sides of the political spectrum, we have different ideas of things. And yet we love each other, knowing that we have these differences. And I think that’s the thing that I’m noticing more and more is that people feel like if you don’t think the way that I do, if you don’t feel the same way I do about this issue, or that issue or this issue, we can’t be friends, or we can’t even have a conversation. And I love that. We have conversations where we talk about different things. And yet we’ve only had one argument that was by the way, not political, religious, or anything else. It was like, Well, I guess it’s I mean, it was when my dog had died, Ali and Ali had been with me since my senior year of college, I felt like she basically grew up with me. And that’s how he became an adult. And when Ali died, you were struggling with how to talk to me. And that caused our fight, which is like such a crazy reason to fight. It

Unknown Speaker
is what’s so ridiculous about the whole thing is and I think I told you this. I mean, I don’t know why I was so nervous, or I don’t know how to I don’t know what to say. Because I mean, I’ve dealt with death in my life. And I go straight to it. I’m not afraid to talk about it. So I cannot I don’t really know what was going on, where I was at whatever point, but I was like googling what to say when someone’s dog dies. Like, seriously, Erika and get it together. You know, like, I’m sorry. And what can I do for you? I mean, does not have to be that difficult. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don’t even know why it was this. Yeah. But

Tanya Dalton
well, it might have been two because it was different than somebody’s like, you know, and dying or dead like you. You’ve dealt with death since you were really young. Your dad died when you were really young. Like you said, you knew, but then it’s like, well, maybe this is different. And I think sometimes we struggle with some of these conversations. But oh my gosh, that’s the first time I think I’ve heard you say that you Googled? I love you so much, Erik, I love you. Because I can see you like Googling and like taking notes and then getting the argument happened in a car. We were going somewhere and then being like, Okay, what do I need to say here? Okay, like getting nervous and saying the wrong thing. And oh, my gosh, it’s so funny to me. But here’s the thing that I don’t I don’t think you know, either. They go on podcasts, obviously. And I do lots of interviews. And a lot of times people ask me questions about, you know, how do you deal with like your inner critic, how do you deal with you know, when you feel bad about yourself? I don’t think I’ve ever talked about this on this podcast in particular. But I have said this on numerous podcasts, I say to people, oh, I have a little I have a little exercise I do for myself. It’s called What would Erika say? That’s my exercise I do myself whenever I’m feeling like I’m beating myself up. I take myself out of it. Because here I am. I’m looking in the mirror. I’m like, Oh, I’m the worst ever or I’m fat or I’m whatever the diatribe is and it’s a diatribe because I’m just like railing on myself. I have to literally step outside and go. Okay. What would Erika say here? Because Erika as my best friend, if you looked at me and my pants looked bad, if it didn’t make me look fat, you wouldn’t say those pants make you look fat. You’d say, Oh, that’s not the right style for you. Or some other pants that would look better. Right? You’re so much kinder. And so I’m always channeling my inner Erika, what would Erika Tell me right now? She wouldn’t tell me I’m the worst mom, she would never tells me I’m the worst mom. She tells me what I’ve done. Right? Or she points out the good or, and so that for me, when I figured out the what would Erika say exercise for myself? That totally shifted? How I spoke to myself?

Unknown Speaker
Oh, well, I feel the same way about you, I probably do the same thing. I don’t know if I actually have an exercise called What would Tanya do? But I think often about what would Tanya say? Or, you know, how would he tell me handle this? Or, you know, I think I think that’s something that’s special about us. Because I think that while we asked we are really good friends, there’s something that is very different about our friendship. And when we it’s almost unexplainable at times, do you know what I mean? Where we can’t really put our finger on it. But it is very, our connection is very strong, I think. And so I think we do rely heavily on each other sometimes when we’re 1000s of miles away, you know? Yes,

Tanya Dalton
we absolutely do. And I think I think it’s worth saying too, that Erika and I don’t talk every day. We’re very respectful of like wouldn’t, because Curt right now is getting his doctorate. So I’m very respectful when Curtis home for a weekend. Like I’m like, I don’t want to interrupt Erika aside with Curt, because that’s a priority, right? Or we’re very respectful of each other’s time. So we’re not constantly talking to each other each and every day. And sometimes we’ll go a couple of weeks without actually talking on the phone or something like that together. But immediately we just pick up wherever we left off. Although we do Voxer Yes, we do. We leave on Fox, oh my gosh, that’s probably one of the best things we’ve ever done is that we Voxer each other I think I Voxer you every Monday morning, on my way to Pilates. I’m usually driving down the Blue Ridge Parkway. That’s generally when I start the conversation as I’m going down the Blue Ridge. And I just tell Erika, these are the things that are going on. And I’ll just ramble. And Erika and I have definitely figured out that Voxer cuts off after 15 minutes. Because then you got to start off, and then you start a new thread, because we’re constantly just checking in with each other. And wait a bit might be a 15 minute check in, it might be a 20 minute check in, it might be a five minute check in. But it’s these constant touchpoints just to be like, hey, and sometimes the boxer is just, Hey, I was just thinking about you this morning and just wanted to say I love you. Or hey, I wanted to see how it went with your haircut this weekend. Right? Little tiny moments. That’s what keeps that connection there. And I think that’s one of the things we lose sight of because we’re so busy, or we’d like to say that we’re so busy that we don’t have time to do these things. Or you will say, well, Tanya, you have so much going on, you’re so busy, I hate to reach out. And I’m like, every time I’m like, you know if the phone rings, and I see Erika his name on the on the top, I have left the middle of meetings because Erika has needed to talk to me. I’ll be like, Sorry, I gotta go. Right?

Unknown Speaker
Well, cuz you know, especially time of day, right? If they call you in the middle of the day, you know, there have been many times where I’ve called you and you’ve been like Erika, and I’m like, silent because I’m on the verge of tears. And you’re like, I’m like I’m here. And you’re like, okay, all right. Take your time, you know. And so, you know, talking about our friendship and boxing and calling each other I think you’re right, I think the biggest piece is our mutual respect for each other. And our marriages and our families and our you know that because sometimes you don’t want to, I mean, I don’t want to say balance, but because that’s kind of an

Tanya Dalton
overused word, you know, that’s

Unknown Speaker
not going to be valid. But there are times when we need each other more, right, depending on what’s going on in our lives, right. And there might be a time when I do need to call you in the middle of the day, and you’ll leave a meeting or whatever, but it’s not an abused relationship. And I think so many times so many friends, their friendships or their relationships tend to be either one sided or, you know, abused heavily on one side, and I feel like that’s something that’s been special with us is yes, there have been times when I probably needed you more. And there are times when you’ve needed me more. And there was a time when we, you know spent time away together at a beach house that we paid for. And that’s just the way it is, you know what I mean? Like, it’s just, that’s just the friendship that we have is special and it’s a mutual respect for our lives together our friendship together, but also the relationships that that we have outside of our friendship, you know, but my friendship with you makes me a better wife. It makes me a better sister, friend, daughter, you know, Mom, it just makes me You make me better. So

Tanya Dalton
you make me better. Honestly, I think part of it is I say oh All the time that we have to I don’t, I don’t say it on the podcast, I this is what I say in my daily life to people, we have to give grace, if we want to receive grace, and I need as much grace as I can get, honestly, I need as much grace from other people and myself as I possibly can get. So there’s a lot of grace that’s given where it’s like you’re in a busy season with work, I am not going to be calling you and pinging you and saying, like, why haven’t you called, we give each other a lot of leeway when we have these heavier seasons of our life, where we’re leaning into work, or something’s going on with one of our kids, or right all those things, and we’ll just the other person will just check in, you don’t have to worry about calling me back. Don’t worry about it. I’m just checking in, let let you know, I’m here if you need me. And I think there is that’s really what exemplifies. For me, what makes the relationship better is the grace that we give each other, that we allow ourselves to have other priorities outside of just our relationship. There’s a lot of respect there. And I do think one of the things that’s really been really fun for us, I say fun, maybe that’s the wrong word. is how we have parented we have parented our entire parenting careers have been spent together. I mean, minus maybe like nine months, because

Erika Herridge
eight months, maybe and Jack was a little over a year,

Tanya Dalton
right? I would make Jack a little over a year. Yeah, because Myles is six months younger than Jack. So we I have Jack, then six months later, miles came along. Then Erika had Margot, and then six months after MargTo was Kay. So we kind of my kids book in your two kids and it’s our kids love each other. It’s been fabulous. But we have parented we’ve been in the trenches together different trenches, toddler trenches, tween trenches, teenage trenches, all these raids. And it’s that has been one of the biggest blessings, I think, is normalizing a lot of the things that are difficult in parenting, I think there’s a lot of people who want to pretend like, oh, it should be easy, or, Oh, my kids have it all together. I love that we can just take our bras off, let her hair down and just be like, This is what’s happening. And I know no matter what I say that I’m going through with my kids, you love my kids, you love me. And there’s that grace again, right? I think that’s really important to be able to surround yourself with people that you can be honest and real with about, you know what this parenting shit is hard. It is difficult. And I am struggling. And there have been times where you have just listened to me bawl my eyes out about what I’m going through with one of my kids.

Erika Herridge
Yeah, absolutely. And it’s just nice to have that touch point, you know, because it’s a, it’s a, like a, it’s a sacred place, you know, a lot of people you worry about, am I going to be judged? Am I going to be, you know, for the way I’m handling the and sometimes you handle things and then in retrospect, you’re like, oh, maybe wish I wouldn’t have done it that way. And so, you know, and so to be able to talk it through with somebody without that judgment, and without the, you know, it is it is really nice, you know, because it is hard to to parent right now. And there are ups and downs. And and it’s just, there are no words at times. Before it,

Tanya Dalton
there are no words at times, and that that’s the truth. There are times where we, we do things, and I’m saying I’m saying this in terms of parenting, but this is also in terms of other relationships as well. But there are times where we do something we act in a certain way. And maybe we do look back at it. We’re like, Oh, I wish I hadn’t done that. Or why did I do that? Right? Because we’re human. And then we want to hide it away. Like it’s shameful, or we feel bad when it’s okay to acknowledge that we’re humans, and it’s nice to acknowledge somebody else. I’m a human, and I totally screwed this up. I think I said the wrong thing to my kid, or I yelled at them. And does that make me a terrible ball? Right? I can answer that for you. It doesn’t. If you don’t ever yell at your kids. I might question your sanity, quite frankly.

Erika Herridge
Well, don’t you think on it? It’s really hard though, with social media. Because Oh, yeah, I think I think you and I, we’re not we’re not social media, people. So we don’t post all of our lives all over everywhere. But I think there are a lot of parents who do so they think that what they see is the reality sometimes and that it just makes them feel less than as a parent, you know. And so that’s true, rather than for parents that are just always looking at other people and how they’re parenting and thinking that oh, man, my kids are doing this or that. And those these people are doing this and my kids aren’t doing that. And so it’s just this creates this. Just just relationship with ourselves as mothers, where we just make ourselves feel worse when we just need to realize we’re all doing the best we can.

Tanya Dalton
We’re all doing the best we can. And I think you’re right, we look around and we think oh, this mom has it all together, or we’re so busy trying to keep up the facade. I’m on social media. I don’t know if you remember this. But you and I had this big conversation years ago, like back when Jack was like, I think in like second grade, and I had gone to meet him for lunch because you could meet your kid for lunch. That was back when and of course, my kids would have been excited to see me. Now, they’re teenagers. They’re like, No, I’m cool. It’s good, right? But I went, and this other mom was there. And I’m having this conversation with Jack and the entire time the mom is taking pictures of them, eating the food, and then posting it on social media. And I’m like, she’s missing the point. She’s not really enjoying the kid, the poor kid, I felt so bad was like, sitting there like, Mom, get off the phone. And you know what I mean, but we’re trying to hold up this facade, because we think we’re supposed to. And I think this feeds into to why we feel like we’re supposed to parents, like everybody else does. And even to the degree that we feel like we’re supposed to parent our kids, all exactly the same way. And I think that has been for me, the biggest revelation, in that it’s not about fairness, it’s not about what your curfew is this. So your core curfew also has to be this, or I did this when Jack was your age. So now okay, this is what’s going to happen for you. Because I think we do that a lot of times we again, it’s kind of striving for that balance, right. But it has to be even it has to be perfectly even in doled out when our kids are different people. And you and I’ve had lots of conversations about this, it’s it’s okay, that I that I did with Jack I did these things, but now with Cam doing these things, and it’s so freeing to have these conversations where it’s like, Yeah, cuz, because you know, my kids so well, you’re like, well, that doesn’t work for Jack at all. This totally works for k, right? And you have that with your kids as well, there’s so different. Why are we trying to parent them the same?

Erika Herridge
No, I completely agree. And I think that’s something that we see all the time, like you said, will be well, they do it this way, why do I have to do it this way, you really have to meet your kid where they are. And I think the in order to meet your kid where you are, you kind of have to know them, you have to get to know your kids on a personal level, not just from that parenting standpoint of this is what a parent should say or do. And so getting to know your kid on a personal level, while also being their parent, but also somewhat getting on, you’re in a relationship with this kid, you know, it’s not just that you’re going to do what I say. So when you’re getting to know them on a personal level, like I do, like I told Marco the other day, my daughter, she’s almost 70 Her birthday is coming up soon. I know I can’t believe that she’s about to be 70. But we had a conversation about something and she was being challenged by a friend. And, you know, I said, I trust you, I trust that you’re gonna make the right decision. And I trust that you are going to make whatever decision is best for you. And she looked at me like what you know, because I think sometimes they’re shocked when we say I trust you, I love you, I believe in you. And I think that you need to make the decision here, you know. But I also on the other side, say that if it ends up being that you need to blame me and say, I’m sorry, my mom, but I can’t do this or that or whatever, then I’m here for that too. You know, and also meeting your kid where they are because you know them on a personal level. And you you see how they handle certain situations, what their values are, is a huge part of parenting because you can’t just put them in a box, like you said that, oh, I have to do the same thing for this kid and this kid. And it’s going to be the exact thing because they’re

Tanya Dalton
very different. Well, and in that whole idea to putting them in a box, we can’t shield them from everything. We there’s part of us and you and I had so many conversations about this, there’s part of us that wants to go in and save them over and over again, I want to keep you from feeling any hurt. I want to keep you from feeling any unhappiness. And it’s such a disservice to our kids. Because sometimes you’re watching them make wrong choices, bad choices, things that you don’t necessarily agree with. And it is hard to step back and say this is your journey. I’m watching you, I cannot control this. And quite frankly, some of those hardships, some of the unhappiness, the breakup with the person that they’ve been dating or making the wrong choice here or treating a situation wrong. That’s a learning opportunity for them. But that is the hardest part with parenting is not controlling the narrative not controlling the journey and saying, Okay, I’m gonna let you have your journey. And even though I want to control it, right, no, I want this. Yeah, and

Erika Herridge
but the good. The good thing is, is that there’s some safety if you’re letting them explore and do these things under your roof, if you will, then those, the stakes might not be as high for some of those things, you know, yeah, there’s still some some decisions, right? And you have this conversation with your kids. But the little thing is right, letting them fail, letting them make some some choices that you might want them to make a different choice but especially when they’re still home and to make those choices not leaving for college and not have ever had to make choices or failed or done any of those things where it’s kind of like they’re not really home with you, you know? No. So it is it’s just so hard. But I’m just so happy to do it with you. And I have each thought we have each other to bounce things off of is just huge.

Tanya Dalton
Yes, I absolutely agree. I think I think being a bystander and watching your child fail, and not swooping in, is one of the hardest things to do, honestly, because you do want to go in and you want to shift things you want to fix it, you want to all you want is your kid to be happy. And so it is really hard. You know, we’re running out of time, because you and I obviously could talk for hours. But you and I talked about an exercise that I started doing, I started doing this, to help my relationship with K, and you are having a conversation about somebody in your world, that you felt like, had a lot of energy, they’ve come into things because here’s the deal with me, k is 16. So she is a 16 year old girl, there’s a lot of hormones happening, there’s a lot of grumpy moves. And I used to I used to allow it to influence me. So I started doing this exercise, you were telling me that there was somebody in your world that was kind of doing the same thing for you, they kind of come in, set the tone, it would really irritate you and upset you. And I shared the exercise with you. And it was revolutionary for me with my relationship with Kay, it was really revolutionary. least you tell me it was for your relationship with the person in your life as well. So I wanted to just really quickly go through this exercise because, you know, as we talked just now about this idea of recognizing that this is your kids journey, it’s the same thing for anyone in your life, everybody is on their own journey, everyone is on their own path, and they have their own agenda. And a lot of times we let their energy impede on us, and we say oh, they put me in a bad mood. Or, you know, Kay come came downstairs and was really grumpy this morning. And so it just started my whole day off wrong. And so I’m in a bad mood. And that’s not accurate. It’s not true. It’s me letting her set the tone for my day, right. And the same thing with the person in your world. So I told you about this idea that I have that it’s almost like I look at our energy. And I think I talked about this in the last episode, I look at the energy around me is like almost like a snowglobe. Right? at arm’s length, I have this bubble around me, that’s my energy. That’s the energy I can control. I can control the things in my world. As far as my emotions, my thoughts, right, my actions, I can’t control anyone else’s. So really looking at this energy, this circle around me and saying, I own this, this I have 100% permission for the energy that belongs to me, which is just an arm’s length around me. It’s just like this magic snowglobe bubble kind of thing around me. And I make the decision. This is my energy, your energy is your energy. So okay, when she comes downstairs in a bad mood, that’s her energy, I can choose to let that into my snowglobe my little bubble around me. Or I can say, Nope, that’s your energy. And you’re gonna keep it over there. And this idea, this concept that I am in charge of my feelings, my emotions, my actions and my thoughts, that they’re not dictated by other people that transformed my relationship with Kay. And I know you said, that helps you was your relationship with this other person. Right?

Erika Herridge
Absolutely. And I think the biggest piece for that tiny, what you just said was, it protects your relationship with Kay. Because I think that’s the foundation of this whole thing. We’re, I don’t want to at the end of the day, right on my deathbed or whatever, next week, even, I don’t want to look at things and say, Man, I wish I would have done things a little different, I wish I wouldn’t have handled that certain thing, because relationships are so important to whatever we can do in that moment to protect our relationships with others, even if it is one sided us coming in and changing our energy, if that can have an impact on how we relate other times or down the road, because that’s what’s important is that relationship. And so, yes, when he told me about this, I was having some trouble with what person and also setting the intention, setting the intention for my engagement with this person. When I was going, when I would sit in the car, you told me sit in the cart and almost visualize how you want it to be talked about, okay, I’m setting the intention for our time together. This is what I meant to do. I and I would say that, and then I would have my energy. And I think just just that simple little phrase, and simple little moment of time, that little mindfulness and you know, piece of just setting that intention for my visit with this person had such a huge, huge impact on our relationship on how our time together would go. And it was it’s been almost life changing, because you can see how something can just snowball and if I had let this person’s energy affect me, it could potentially ruin a relationship. And did I want to ruin that relationship? No, because it wasn’t a relationship that I wanted to be real. When I wanted to heal that relationship, and I think because I changed my approach and my intention with it is had, it’s completely changed it.

Tanya Dalton
I remember you Voxered me right after you’d had an interaction with that person after you done the exercise, and you were like, Oh, my God, it was so different. And I know what a lot of people would say, Well, don’t have a relationship with that person. And that’s, that’s not always possible, right? Sometimes we have family members, sometimes we have people at work, sometimes we have people in our world who are going to be in our world. And we can either complain about them, or we can say, I have 100% permission for my energy. And I decide what comes in, I decide what my mood is, I decide how I feel and think. And so I love that that exercise because it only takes a few minutes, it really is that intentionality of sitting there, recognizing your energy, and saying, I have 100% permission for what comes in and out of here. And nobody else is going to change that they are allowed to have their permission, that person is allowed to be obnoxious, that person is allowed to be in a bad mood, that person is allowed whatever they are experiencing. It doesn’t mean I have to take it on. It doesn’t mean that that has to belong to me. I know for me, it transformed my relationship. I know for you, it transformed your relationship. So I just feel like it’s it’s such a an easy, but powerful thing because it is just setting that intention with your with your mind.

Erika Herridge
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, for sure. I wouldn’t one of my as I always feel like I have to make sure everybody’s okay. Right. Everybody’s okay. Yeah. Are they happy? Are they good? I’ve so it’s enabled me to have a little bit more peace, you know, what’s coming into whatever. I mean, I’ve used this tool, not just with that person for so many different things, but kind of setting that that peaceful place for me to be open, that not everything other people say is about me, or, you know, I’m just not taking on the ownership, if you will, of how they feel or their mood or, like, oh, well, that’s sad for them. They’re in a bad mood or whatever, but I’m good, you know, I can do it, I can be a part of this and, and not take on that, that those feelings that they’re exuding, you know, so I thank you for sharing that little moment with me because it was huge in so many different realms of my life.

Tanya Dalton
Yeah, it is, we are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness, everyone else’s journey. We are responsible for ourselves, and we can do our best to help other people, we can support other people. But we cannot control other people. And letting go of that. I think that’s when relationships can flourish when we allow other people to evolve and grow, and be on their journey. And it’s hard, it is difficult. But I have to say, because we have to wrap up, obviously, you and I will be talking for like 30 minutes after this, too. We can’t have the podcast going on forever. But I have to say I am so grateful that that I have you in my life and you know, having relationships with other people. And I think especially other women who get you who see you who make you feel like you are saying when you think you are crazy. And there are times where I am crazy. It is life giving. And I’m so grateful that you do that for me. So thank you, Erika.

Erika Herridge
You’re welcome. Right back at you.

Tanya Dalton
Well, thanks for coming on the show today. That was fabulous. Of

Erika Herridge
course. Thanks for having me.

Tanya Dalton
I hope you enjoy today’s episode, as much as I did, it was such a joy to be able to introduce you to Erika, because she really has influenced so much of my own journey. And of course, that’s all documented here with all the things we talked about on the podcast. So I’m thrilled that you were able to, to get to hear her wise words. I love what we talked about today with that idea of we aren’t responsible for everyone’s happiness. I think when we can choose to let go of controlling the journey. The relationships are deeper, they’re better. And I know for me, my relationship with Erika has been instrumental into forming who I am. And the things that I really love about myself are a lot of times born out of conversations she and I have together. And I want you to think about some of the things that we talked about today. That exercise that I talked about where I say to myself, What would Erika say that totally shifted? How I spoke to myself. My internal monologue was terrible. Awful. And I know for a lot of you it is as well. So maybe it’s not for you. What would Erika say? But what would whoever in your world is your biggest cheerleader, your supporter, your best friend, insert their name? What would they say and allow the conversation in your head to be from their perspective? I thought it was really helpful to to talk about this idea that everyone’s on their own journey and it’s respect doing other people’s journeys giving grace so we can receive the grace. That’s part of having really great relationships. Because let’s be honest, some relationships are hard. Some are downright exhausting. But it doesn’t mean that we necessarily want those people out of our lives. So finding ways to connect, finding ways to find common ground, really owning your energy, that permission circle exercise that I talked about, it really is the one thing that totally transformed the relationship I have with my own daughter. I just wish I had known about it a long time ago, because it’s something I started doing about nine months ago. But it has, it’s made a huge difference. So I want you to think about that. How can you go above and beyond today with someone who’s important to you? What can you do to reach out to maybe your best friend or someone that you love? Maybe it’s snapping a screenshot of this episode and sending it to them? And saying, Hey, you should listen to this episode, it made me think of you because you mean a lot to me. Sharing the podcast is honestly one of the best ways to help us get the word out about this mission that we are on to really shift how people look at their days to tap into what feels meaningful to you. So what is it you can do today, to brighten up someone in your world to brighten up their day? One of the things Erika is going to be doing actually for me is she’s coming to Austin to come see me when I speak at the Kendra Scott, women’s Entrepreneurial Leadership Institute in Austin. And she says it’s no big deal because she lives in Dallas. It’s happening in Austin, but it is a big deal. It’s a big deal to me. So what can you do today? What small act of kindness can you do to brighten up somebody in your world to brighten up their day? Yes, it’s the big things like coming to see me in Austin that Erika does, but it’s also the little things, the tiny text messages. Like I said, snap a screenshot, send it over to your friend and say This made me think of you because I love you. Because when we deepen our connections with others, that’s when we get into that spiritual Art of Work and Life. That’s what our world has more meaning. And that that my friend, that is when we have the Intentional Advantage. Ready to take action on what we talked about on today’s episode. The easiest way to get started is my free take five challenge five minutes a day for five days. That’s it, and yet it will boost your productivity and double your happiness. I can promise you 1000s have taken the challenge. Go to Tanya dalton.com/take Five to join or click the link in the Episode Notes. And don’t forget to follow the Intentional Advantage on your podcast player so you don’t miss an episode.

 

**The Intentional Advantage podcast is a top rated podcast with a woman host. This transcript is created by AI, so please excuse any typos, misspellings and grammar mistakes.

 

Tanya Dalton is woman motivational speaker with keynote topics ranging from productivity strategies, time management tips and goal setting.