198: Building Better Relationships | Tanya Dalton
John and Tanya Dalton
November 10, 2020   |   Episode #:

198: Building Better Relationships

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In This Episode:

Are you willing to have hard conversations? Those deep, uncomfortable discussions are SO important. You have to make a conscious effort to engage in these conversations with everybody in your life but especially your loved ones. That’s why I brought John back on the show to talk about our experiences with personal growth and how to strengthen your relationships by getting to the root cause of your core arguments. You’ll learn how to clearly ask for what you want, plus our tips for uncovering the truth from the lies that we tell ourselves.

Show Transcript:

The Big Idea

Be willing to have the hard conversations

Questions I Answer

  • How can I have better conversations with my husband?
  • What makes a relationship better?
  • How can I feel closer to my partner?

Actions to Take

  • Think about what your “core argument” or frustration is with someone in your life – think about what that story is and go through the steps to unlock it that we shared in the show.

Key Topics in the Show

  • What does personal growth mean

  • Why should personal growth be a top priority

  • How to uncover core arguments in your relationships

  • Tips to build better relationships

Resources and Links

Show Transcript

This is The Intentional Advantage podcast with your host, Tanya Dalton, an
entrepreneur, best-selling author, nationally recognized productivity expert and a
mom of two. On season 16, Tanya is taking real to another level, sharing more of her
story and opinions, and engaging in conscious conversations to start bringing more
women together. Are you ready? Here’s your host, Tanya Dalton.
Hello, hello, everyone. Welcome to The Intentional Advantage podcast. I’m your host,
Tanya Dalton, and this is Episode 198. And today I have someone special on the show.
You’re a special someone.
[John:] Oh, thank you. Hello everyone.
[Tanya:] So I have John on the show again. For those of you who don’t know, John is
my husband and it only took 180 some-odd episodes to get him on the show.
[John:] Right.
[Tanya:] And then once you went on the show and we did the recording, you said
what?
[John:] I said, that was fun. I would do that again.
[Tanya:] You did. And you know what? I was like, ‘Okay, I’m holding you to it.’ So I’ve
convinced him now that he’s going to come on, maybe once a season, but I felt like
that was great, especially with the whole topic that we’re talking about this season.
This idea, this concept of conscious conversations. I think that when it comes to
having these really deep, these really sometimes uncomfortable conversations, I
think it’s really important to have them with the people that you love, the people
around you. I think they’re really important to have with everybody. Let’s be honest
here. Right?
[John:] Totally agree.
[Tanya:] So yes, have them with strangers on the street; have them with the person
next to, you know, in the line at the grocery store; have them with the people in your
office; but definitely, absolutely, positively have these deeper conversations with the

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people in your immediate world. And so what’s interesting is we talked, I think an
episode or two back, about how this year has really been so pivotal for me.
[Tanya:] Right? And a lot of ways, in a lot of ways, where I’ve done a lot, a lot, a lot of
deep personal growth where I’m really actively working on it almost on a daily basis.
And I think here’s the thing that’s fascinating: a lot of times we look at this concept
of personal growth and we think that it’s for ourselves.
[Tanya:] We think, ‘Oh, I don’t have time to spend on myself. So personal growth is
something I can push aside.’ But truly, personal growth, it expands into every aspect
of your life. I think because of the personal growth I’ve been doing, our business is in
a much better, much different place. I think the book that I’ve been working on, my
manuscript that I just turned into Harper Collins, I think it’s in a very different place
than I thought [it would be]. And I think our marriage is in a very different place.
What do you think about that?
[John:] Yeah, I would agree with that. And, you know, I think one of the things that
we’ve learned is that personal growth is important and really it should always be a
priority. And I think for some people, that’s a hard thing to do – to make personal
growth or self-care or whatever you want to call it a priority, but it really should be.
And it makes a big difference.
[Tanya:] Yeah. I think this is the thing; when you work on yourself, it really allows you
to work on your relationships with other people. And I think that’s one of the things
that you and I have noticed. We’ve been having some extraordinary conversations. I
mean, we’ve been married since what feels like the Dawn of time, perhaps even the
Dawn of the Millennium.
[John:] That’s true.
[Tanya:] Yes. John and I have been married for 20 years, so I feel like we know each
other really, really well. Wouldn’t you say? I mean, we like to tell people that we,
because we work together, we literally, our desks butt up against each other. So we
look at each other all day long; we’re together 26 hours a day, every day, and it totally
works for us. So, that’s the thing that’s interesting, that we’re together all the time.
We have a lot of deep conversations and yet by doing a lot of this personal growth
and this digging-in on myself, I feel like it’s really starting to show with us. Would you
agree?
[John:] Yeah, I would absolutely agree with that. I think because of the things that
you’ve been doing and the questions you’ve been asking yourself, you started asking
me those same questions and I’ve started asking myself those same questions. So it
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just leads naturally to those kinds of conversations but it has been really great for us.
I think we’ve really made a lot of strides that we haven’t in the last two decades.
[Tanya:] Yeah. I would say too, because we’re asking these conversations and really in
a way we’re doing it right in front of our kids, we’re having these conversations and
then we start having the conversations with Jack and Kate. So it’s kind of snowballed
where we’re all digging in a little bit deeper. Right?
[John:] Yeah. And I think that’s important while we’re all at home together and
everything else going on in the world that we do a little bit of that kind of personal
examination and work on that with each other. It’s really made us kind of stronger as
a couple and also as a family, I think.
[Tanya:] Yes, I absolutely agree. And so I think that one of the things that might be
fun, maybe fun is not the right word; what I thought might be fun is for us to talk
about is what would I have considered our core argument, and maybe what you
have considered, probably wrongly, our core argument. Because I think most
relationships you have, there’s some underlying theme, we’ll say, that comes up
again and again and again, would you agree?
[Tanya:] I mean, for the most part, we don’t fight that much. We do fight. I’m not
gonna pretend like we’re one of those couples that are like, ‘We never argue,’
because those couples suck. I think if you don’t argue from time to time, one of you
is like suppressing your emotions. Arguments are important for your relationship
[because] you need to bring different things to the table. I think probably we as a
couple, we do, we’ve done a pretty good job talking about things, but I don’t think
we’ve gone as deep. Right?
[John:] Yeah. I completely agree with that.
[Tanya:] So I would say for us, in my opinion, which is the only opinion that matters
here, in my opinion, I would say our core argument is this theme that comes up for
me again and again, which is essentially this story that I tell myself that, if I ask for
what I want, I’m not going to get it. Right?
[John:] Yeah, that’s right.
[Tanya:] That’s right, that I’m not gonna get it? Or . . .
[John:] No, that’s the argument.
[Tanya:] Okay, just clarifying.

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[John:] Just clarifying that.
[Tanya:] But I feel like I’ve said that to you numerous times.
[John:] Yes, hundreds of times throughout the years. Yes, it’s come up. It’s a repetitive
thing.
[Tanya:] Okay. So, let’s give, like, a really dumb example. For example, let’s say that
we’re trying to decide where to go for dinner. And let me give you just a touch of
background about John and I: We are both middle children, which means I’m a
peacekeeper, he’s a peacekeeper. I want everybody to be happy, he wants everybody
to be happy. So we’re great at making big decisions. Want to buy a house? Yeah,
we’re going to do it. Want to go start a business? Yep, we can do that. Where do you
want to go for dinner?
[John:] That’s impossible.
[Tanya:] Oh God. It’s so bad because I’m like, ‘What do you want?’ And he’ll say, ‘What
do you want?’ So we’ll have a Friday night and I’ll say, ‘Well, I want hamburgers for
dinner.’ And what inevitably tends to happen?
[John:] We’ll end up having pizza or something. Right?
[Tanya:] Right! And I’m like, ‘Damn it! I said I wanted hamburgers. How did we end
up eating pizza?’ Right? So then I get irritated. And really what’s happening here is
that you think I’m saying that I want hamburgers because you mentioned
hamburgers two days ago. And so you’re overthinking it. And then you’re trying to
make sure that I’m getting what you think I really want, and we end up with pizza.
[Tanya:] Again, this is a dumb argument, but I will think to myself and I will say, ‘You
know what? If I ask for what I want, I don’t get what I want. I never get what I want.’
And that was the story I was telling myself for years and years and years, that when I
asked for what I want, I don’t get what I want.
[Tanya:] But really when I started to dive into it and I started to look at the stories,
and this is one of the things that I did over the past 6-9 months when I started really
diving into this personal growth, I started asking myself when these stories would
appear and I’d noticed them. That was the first thing I had to acknowledge, that they
were there.

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[Tanya:] That was the first thing, right? I acknowledged that there was this feeling, I
would get irritated and it would show up either like in my shoulders or I’d get like a,
you know, a crick in my neck. And I would notice that there was this irritation and I’d
have to say, ‘Okay, where does this come from?’ And so I started to realize, ‘Oh, this is
because I never get what I want. If I ask for what I want, I don’t get what I want.’ And
so I really had to stop and realize and recognize this pattern I was living in, of not
getting what I want. And at first, let’s be honest, that was really frustrating because I
did feel like that was true.
[John:] Yeah. And it was equally frustrating for me because all I wanted to do was
give you what you wanted.
[Tanya:] Right. And so what I had to do next was I had to kind of go back and
untangle the memory; like, ‘Okay, what really happened here?’ Because the truth of
the matter is, when you’re telling yourself this story, there’s some reason for it.
There’s a memory in there and we have to really untangle it and unlock it.
[Tanya:] So I started thinking about things like pizza night, hamburger, night, things
like that. Right? And I started recognizing that I was not actually ever saying to John,
I was never saying, ‘You know what I really want tonight? I want hamburgers. Let’s
go get hamburgers.’ What would I say?
[John:] ‘Oh, I don’t know. Maybe hamburgers would be good. Or what do you want?’
[Tanya:] Yes.
[John:] That’s what I would hear, yes.
[Tanya:] That’s what you would hear, which is why you thought I was just doing it
because you wanted hamburgers.
[John:] Exactly. Yeah. So then I tried to figure out what she really wanted instead of
just listening to what she was actually saying.
[Tanya:] True, right? So this was the thing I was telling myself. When I ask for what I
want, I don’t get what I want. But was I really asking for what I want? And when I
really started to untangle that and really look at that memory or memories, because
there were so many, I was recognizing and realizing, ‘Oh my gosh, I was not asking
for what I want.’ I was like, almost like, it’s not passive-aggressive, but it’s in that same
vein, maybe.

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[John:] Yeah, just tiptoeing around it for whatever reason. So it was not, I don’t want
to take your word away from you cause that’s what you’re getting to, but it wasn’t
totally out there. Like, I didn’t totally understand.
[Tanya:] I was dancing around what I wanted. And so truthfully, when I wasn’t
getting what I want, it wasn’t because I was asking for it. It’s because I wasn’t asking
for it at all. So that was where I had to discover the lie. I’d been lying to myself saying,
‘I ask for what I want and I’m not going to get what I want.’ No, I was dancing around
what I want, and of course, I didn’t get what I want.
[Tanya:] So it was like this huge light bulb moment for me, where it was like, ‘Oh my
gosh, I’ve been angry at him all these years.’ Right? Getting frustrated again and
again, thinking, this is our core argument. When all along it boils down to me, not
really asking for what I want. That’s what it boiled down to. And I think this is the
thing, is when we have these irritations and these frustrations with people, especially
the people that we love, the people we’re close to, we have to look at what their
actions are, but we also have to look at our own actions. What was my part or what
was my role in the relationship that was causing the problems?
[John:] Yeah. And that’s what really made the difference, I think, is when you started
to unwind that and took ownership over your role in the argument that it kind of
uncovered itself.
[Tanya:] It really did. And so I realized the story there, or the lie is, ‘I asked for what I
want and I’m not going to get what I want.’ So in order to make it a truth, I can’t just
flip it on its head. I can’t just say, ‘When I ask for what I want, I get what I want,’
because that’s not true. And it’s important to really rewrite that truth for yourself. So
you have to figure out how to write the truth in the right way if that makes sense.
[Tanya:] So I said to John, I went to him and I said, ‘Oh my gosh, I’ve had this whole
realization.’ We went through it together, and he explained to me, ‘Oh, that’s why I’m
always confused about what you want.’ So I decided to write that story fresh for
myself. And so my new story is the truth, when I clearly ask for what I want, I get
what I want. And that’s the big thing there, is that word clearly. Because it’s not
about asking for what I want. Because asking for what I want is like I’m like dancing
around, I’m tiptoeing. But when I clearly, boldly say what I want, I am guaranteed to
get what I want.
[John:] Absolutely. Yeah. Then I’m not second-guessing or trying to make
assumptions or digging deeper to find out what you really want because you just flat
out, come out and say it.

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[Tanya:] Yes. And so I felt like for us, we had this really big breakthrough. It was
probably like three weeks ago where it was like a Tuesday afternoon. I don’t know
what was happening, but I was really like craving oysters. And we order oysters a lot
of times from this company and they ship them in and we shuck them and we do
the whole thing. And so I went to you, it was Tuesday afternoon, and I said, ‘I want
oysters this weekend. I want to have oysters on Saturday night. Let’s order oysters.’
And what did you say?
[John:] ‘Okay, I’m doing it right now.’
[Tanya:] ‘Yeah. I mean, literally within 15 minutes you had ordered the oysters and
were already like, ‘Okay, they’re probably already packaging them up.’ But here’s the
thing, before I would’ve been like, ‘I don’t know. We haven’t had oysters in a while.
What do you think? Like, maybe that might be fun.’ That’s not clearly asking for what
I want. But when I said, ‘I want oysters on Saturday night, let’s order oysters.’ I was
clear. And guess what? I got what I wanted.
[John:] Yeah and they were fricking delicious, too, by the way.
[Tanya:] They were fricking delicious. I love oysters. They were so good! And that’s
really what I wanted. So here’s the thing. It’s not enough just to say the words, right?
You have to have a behavior. And I think that’s the biggest mistake when it comes to
ideas like manifesting, which is totally a concept that I feel like we have got to
discuss at some point on this show because I’m a firm big believer in manifesting;
because really, it’s what you’re putting out in the world, you’re asking for it back. If
you’re asking clearly for what you want, you’re going to get it.
[John:] It’s exactly the same thing.
[Tanya:] And so I think that I guess it was probably, like, 10 years ago when the secret
came out, that people got really on board with the secret and this whole idea of
manifesting. But here’s the truth: when it comes to things like that, it’s not enough
just to put it out into the universe. You can’t just say the words; there has to be action
behind it. So for me, it’s not enough just to say, if I clearly ask for what I want, I get
what I want. I have to have action; I have to clearly ask, which is what I did with the
oysters.
[John:] Yup, including the part of, ‘Let’s order them.’ So, not only did I know you
wanted them, I knew exactly what to do to get them. Right? That was kind of the
action part of it, so that was great.

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[Tanya:] Yeah, and it made a huge difference. So I think that’s the thing, it’s this idea
of taking these lies that we’re telling ourselves that the world is against us, this
person doesn’t like me, I don’t get this because of X, Y, and Z; taking those stories
and really breaking them down, deconstructing them and then rebuilding them and
building it into a new truth. And the truth has to have action behind it.
[John:] Yes, absolutely. And the other part of it was, I think for you, like I said earlier, it
was taking ownership of it. Not constantly blaming somebody else for not doing this
or not listening or whatever it is. It was really examining both of our roles in the
argument. Really, that’s what really unlocked it.
[Tanya:] Yeah. I think you just hit on something that was really smart there. I’m not
going to say that again.
[John:] Don’t worry, I’m not expecting it.
[Tanya:] But I think what you said there was, was really right. It’s about both of our
roles in the argument, because a lot of times when we’re irritated with someone or
we’re having a disagreement, or we’re not on the same page, we immediately are
like, ‘Well, I am right. And he, or she, or whoever, is wrong.’ And there’s equal blame
somehow in there, you just have to discover where that blame is.
[John:] And I think that’s what we learned, is to take a deep breath or take a step
back, or both, maybe, depending on the circumstance, and really examining what
that is and then talking about it.
[Tanya:] Yes, I absolutely agree. So what I want to do is in just a minute, I want to talk
about what you think is the core argument in our marriage because it’s a different
core argument, and how we worked through that. So we figured out this one, and
then we started unlocking yours. So I want to talk about that after our mid-episode
break.
[John:] Okay, great.
[Tanya:] Okay, while I give John a moment to catch his breath, I want to talk about
this idea of action one more time, because I have an action for you to take; because
when you clearly ask for what you want, you’re going to get what you want. All right?
So if you want to get together with me and do some one-on-one coaching for free,
then you need to enter my Toast to 200 Contest.
[Tanya:] As you can see, we’re on Episode 198 and Episode 200 is quickly, quickly
approaching. And I wanted to do something really fun to celebrate because you
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guys are an amazing crowd. I love the podcast. I love the emails I get from you. I love
the DMS. I love the messages. And so, I wanted to do something really special. All you
have to do to enter the contest is shoot a one-minute or less selfie-style video telling
me why you love The Intentional Advantage podcast or what you’ve learned from
the podcast.
[Tanya:] All the details on how to enter are at tanyadalton.com/200, and I’ll choose
one lucky winner to have a one-on-one coaching call with me. I would love to meet
you. So, enter the contest! Let’s do this! When you ask for what you want, you’re
going to get what you want. So head to tanyadalton.com/200 to enter.
[Tanya:] Alright, John, are you ready to talk about what you think is our core
argument in our marriage?
[John:] Yeah, let’s do it. I’m not really ready, but I’m going to do it anyway. Does that
sound better?
[Tanya:] That does sound good. You’re stepping out of your comfort zone. I love it.
Okay.
[John:] Okay. Well, just to start, I think it’s a good idea to let you guys know what my
love language is, and that’s acts of service.
[Tanya:] Without question.
[John:] Yeah, so one of the things that I do for Tanya and for the rest of the family is
little things just to kind of keep the house running, like making lunches, or maybe
doing the laundry or things at work. You know, I’ll take care of, like, some of the
financial or accounting things that nobody else wants to do, so Tanya can focus on
some of her visionary work, all of those types of things. And for me, the key
argument is not feeling appreciated because of all the things that I do. Would you
agree with that?
[Tanya:] I agree with that because you’re doing 5 million different things and you’re
really amazing with your acts of service, but the catch is you don’t want anyone to
see you doing acts of service.
[John:] Yes. The part of my – what the hell – part of being an introvert is that I don’t
like being the center of attention. Right? So I like to do all those things kind of in the
background so that people don’t notice them, but then I get upset when people
don’t notice them. So obviously that makes no sense.

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[Tanya:] I mean, you guys can clearly see how I’m clear here on this argument, that
this is a hundred percent . . . No, not really. But I think that was what was really
fascinating when we dove into this. So we really got into this conversation, [and] I
can tell you exactly when. It was when we were getting ready to record the intro to
Season 16.
[John:] That’s right. Yeah, that’s exactly right.
[Tanya:] Because as you guys know, John records the introduction to all the episodes.
And so I had already recorded the [first] episode and I was like, ‘Okay, we need to get
this recording done of the introduction,’ like, right?
[John:] And that went on for like a week of not getting it done, of things popping up
at work, things popping up at home. And it just, it never happened.
[Tanya:] It kept getting pushed aside, right?
[John:] Right, exactly.
[Tanya:] And there we were on Sunday night, and I’m irritated, and then you’re
irritated, and then I’m irritated that you’re irritated. Let’s be honest.
[John:] Exactly. Yes. And that’s what happened at, you know, Sunday morning, Tanya
had asked me to finish editing one of the chapters, and then we needed to look at a
gutter project at the house. So in my mind, those things were being reprioritized
over the podcast intro.
[Tanya:] Throwing my own terminology at me, huh?
[John:] Exactly. So that’s why it hadn’t gotten done. And what did you say at that
point?
[Tanya:] I don’t know. What did I say? I’m such an amazing wife, what did I say? I
don’t know. What did I say?
[John:] Well, I think, I think at that point you realized, ‘Oh yes.’
[Tanya:] Oh yeah, I realized I was wrong.
[John:] I wasn’t going to say that . . . But.

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[Tanya:] Well, okay. So I said to you that I was frustrated and you said, ‘Well, you
asked me to go over and edit this chapter and give you feedback on the chapter
you’d written over the weekend. You asked me to work on the gutters and you
started listing other things.’
[Tanya:] And I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I forgot about those things.’ Right?
[John:] Yeah, exactly. ‘I forgot.’ And that’s when we started to unlock the, ‘I don’t feel
appreciated’ argument in my mind. And I realized that as an introvert, who tries to
do all these things in the background and not ask for accolades, that I’m kind of
setting my own trap. Right? That people don’t know that I do it because I do that
purposely. So they don’t know that I do it. And that’s exactly what happened. You
didn’t realize that I had done those other things.
[Tanya:] Yeah. And then I felt bad because obviously, you had done some, some great
things for me. And I totally had of, like, skated over him, I guess. So really, literally,
where I was irritated with you, you’re irritated with me. And we were like, ‘Okay, hold
on. We need to unlock this story.’ Right. We were like, ‘Okay, we need to kind of back
up and figure out what’s happening here.’
[Tanya:] So that’s when we sat down and we literally, I was sitting on the couch, you
were sitting on the fireplace, and we sat there in the living room and we started
unlocking it. And you were telling me about how frustrated you were that you
weren’t being recognized, which felt funny to me, cause I was surprised at it. He’d
never verbalized that. And I am; so, John is acts of service [and] I am words of
affirmation.
[Tanya:] So I’m all about the, like, words of affirmation. I’m always like, ‘Oh, thanks for
doing this. I love that you did that.’ So at first, it stung a little bit, but then when we
started diving into it and you started really talking about this idea that you don’t feel
appreciated, but then you said, ‘Oh, but then I don’t want you to recognize that I’m
doing things.’
[John:] Right. Like, I like to have them done so other people don’t have to worry
about them. Which means then sometimes they don’t even know that they’ve been
done. Right?
[Tanya:] Right, we don’t. And so that was the thing. So again, it goes back to that
whole idea of acknowledging the feeling that you’re having. Right? Recognizing the
pattern: What’s the story that you’re telling yourself. What’s the lie that you’re telling
– that nobody appreciates what I do. Agree?

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[John:] Exactly, yes. That was the lie.
[Tanya:] So then we had to kind of untangle the memory. Right? Of, ‘Alright, what
happened here? Why was it that no one gave you accolades?’ And then you realize
when you started diving into it . . .
[John:] That I wasn’t asking for accolades. I was purposely doing things so that
people wouldn’t notice what I was working on.
[Tanya:] So then it was this idea then of, ‘Okay, we’ve discovered what the lie is. So
how do we take that into a new truth and add an action to it?’
[John:] Yes, and this one was more difficult than I thought it was going to be. But
after a really good conversation, we arrived at that and now I feel really good about it.
[Tanya:] And again, it’s not easy. You don’t just flip it on its head and say, ‘Well, when I
do things for people, they recognize it and they acknowledge me,’ because that’s not
true. We have to add an action in there. We have to change the behavior. So we kind
of spent some time and you figured out what is the new story that you tell yourself?
[John:] Yes. So the new story that I tell myself is, ‘When people know what I do, they
appreciate what I do.’ And that was really the key is making sure that people would
know what I was doing or see what I was doing so that they could appreciate it.
Because if they didn’t know, how could they appreciate it?
[Tanya:] Right. It doesn’t get appreciated. So this was the thing, he was like, ‘You
know what, when I fold the sheets, I’m going to leave them sitting on the bed. I’m
not gonna put them away right away, cause I want you to see that I’ve done it.’
[Tanya:] So it’s kind of like a nice stealth way of letting it be known. Right? Because
that fits your introvertedness. And I think that’s important. It’s not like, again, you’re
not going to be the person who’s like, ‘Hey, everybody look at me.’ It’s what plays
really well, what reconciles really well with you, and what still allows you to get what
it is you need. Cause you needed to have that acknowledgment, whether you
wanted to admit that or not.
[John:] Exactly. It was obviously something that was really bothering me and you’re
right, I’m not the person that’s going to stand in the middle of the living room and
sing a song about all the things that I did for people in that day. I have to find ways to
do it so that people see it. But you know, I don’t feel like I’m being a show-off or
something because it’s just not my style.

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[Tanya:] It’s not your style at all. And so now that we’ve rewritten this story and you’re
telling this story to yourself, what’s interesting is when you unlock these lies and
these stories about yourself, you start to recognize when you’re saying them. When I
get grumbly and I’m like, ‘Oh, I asked for what I want. I’m not going to get what I
want.’ I’m like, ‘Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Not my story.’ And then I recognize, and I say this
other story out loud, and I add that behavior in. So for you, have you been doing that
as well? It seems like you have.
[John:] Yeah, absolutely. And I, you know, I feel like too, just knowing the story part of
it, the behavior follows. Like I would notice myself doing little tasks and I could hear
that voice in the back of my head telling me to do it in a way that people wouldn’t
notice. You know? So I would, my brain was actually almost sabotaging myself
because of that lie that I was telling. So when I was aware of it, just the awareness of
that story really started to change my behavior almost immediately.
[Tanya:] I like that word awareness because I think this is the thing when it comes to
these, these conscious conversations. Conscious means aware, right? And so often
our subconscious is sabotaging us. It’s telling us how to think and how we should
behave. And we’re just doing it on autopilot. So when we stop and we can
acknowledge and we can understand what our stories are, we can rewrite them and
then we can move forward in a way with that awareness. And moving forward with
awareness is very empowering. And I think that really allows you to build those
bridges, to allow each other, to be who we are.
[Tanya:] So you can still be the introverted Acts of Service Man that you are, and I can
still be the extroverted Words of Affirmation Girl that I am. And now I’m getting what
I want because I clearly ask for what I want. And you’re getting your . . .
[John:] Yeah, I’m getting the recognition because I’m actually letting people know
what I’m doing for them.
[Tanya:] I think this is the thing, is so often we think of ourselves as helpless, and we
are not. We think that other people are the problem, and a lot of times we have to
look in the mirror and we have to recognize our own role in these frustrations, our
own role when we’re having these arguments or these, these irritations because we
do play a role. And I think so often it’s easy to blame other things, to blame outside
forces, to blame the universe when really we are just as much a part of that.
[John:] Yeah. I think you’re right. It’s always easier to find excuses or blame other
people or other things than just taking responsibility for your own role in that story
or that problem. And that was really what made the difference for us is being able to
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find those, those things and take responsibility for it personally. And then we were
able to move forward.
[Tanya:] Yes, I like that. So I think that’s our one and only momentum builder for this
episode is, I want you to think about what is the core arguments or the core
frustration or the core irritation that you have with another person in your world in
your life, and think about what that story is and go through those steps and unlock
it.
[Tanya:] I think what I’m going to do is, I’m actually going to shoot a video to walk
through what this looks like to make it even easier. So, I will email that out to my
email newsletter subscribers this week. So if you’re not on that list, you definitely
want to get on it. And I’ll shoot a video to help give you a little bit of that extra
momentum because let’s build better relationships. Let’s make it so we’re not
getting so frustrated and irritated with other people.
[Tanya:] When we have these conversations; when we unlock our stories, that’s the
intentional advantage.

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