263: Sex Confidence with Dr. Sonia | Tanya Dalton
May 10, 2022   |   Episode #:

263: Sex Confidence with Dr. Sonia

In This Episode:

In the 5 years I’ve been hosting this podcast, this is the first time I’ve tackled this topic and, funny enough, it’s one of my most asked questions: “How do you make time for sex?” “How often should I be having sex?” “How can I have sex when I’m so tired?” versions of those pop up on every single survey I’ve ever sent my listeners. So today, we are tackling those questions and more in one of my most open and frank interviews.

Dr. Sonia Wright is one the show today to help us all gain a little more sex confidence.

Show Transcript:

The Big Idea

Good sex might  not be what you might think.

Questions I Answer

  • Is it ok to schedule sex?
  • What do I do if I’m always too tired for sex?
  • Why is it not good to fake an orgasm?
  • How many times a week is normal?
  • How can I stop feeling shame about sex?

Actions to Take

  • Open up a conversation with your significant other about your feelings with sex.
  • Find that difficult? Try watching these shows on Netflix together: Sex, Goop & Love as well as Principles of Pleasure. Those can help start up the conversation.

Key Moments in the Show

[2:18] – I may have shared too much

[6:00] – Why are we afraid to talk about this?

[9:00] – An orgasm is NOT the goal

[12:59] – What is my #1 question about sex?

[15:58] – Waiting for spontaneity means nothing is happening

[21:10] – Why don’t we just ask for what we want?

[26:25] – Everything you want is on the other side of a difficult conversation

[27:00] – Here’s a fun idea

[31:55] – Get out of your head

[33:00] – No, nothing is wrong with you

Resources and Links

  • Connect with Dr. Sonia
  • Join Tanya & Dr. Sonia for a live Q&A on May 18th. We will answer your questions live!
Show Transcript

Extraordinary is a choice. Take that in, soak it up because of the hustle grind, repeat mantra that society has been touting for decades and had it all wrong. I’m Tanya Dalton. I’m a seven figure entrepreneur bestselling author speaker, mom, and rule-breaker I’m here to help you live to your fullest potential. That’s what this podcast is all about. The Intentional Advantage is doing live on our own terms,

define the status quo and seeing ourselves outside of the tidy definition. Society’s name for us. It’s intentionally choosing to step back away from the cat rush of your every day and choosing, choosing to see that it’s your world. And it’s filled with opportunities. Let’s challenge the bedrock beliefs that so many have wholeheartedly trusted because we were told they were truths. Let’s have a healthy disregard for the impossible.

Let’s choose to be extraordinary. Hello everyone. And welcome to the Intentional Advantage podcast. I’m your host, Tanya Dalton. This is episode 263, and I’m going to be tackling one of my most frequently asked questions today. And I think, I think it might surprise you what my most asked question is, but every single time I send out a survey or I ask you guys what you want me to talk about this question,

or some form of this question comes up every single time for years now, for years, and we’re going there today. It might surprise you. But my most frequently asked question is about sex. How do I make time for sex? How do you make time for sex, Tanya? What does this really look like in a relationship? How do I actually make this work when I’m so damn tired at the end of the day?

And I just don’t feel like I can do it. So last episode, we talked about that whole idea of pleasure and really stepping into pleasure. We cannot have conversations about reclaiming our power, which is what we’re talking about all season long conversations about pleasure without diving into this question, the sex question, how do we make this work? And I’m going to be honest with you.

I may be a little too open in this episode. I am going to be talking about sex with Dr. Sonia right today, and I’m going to be sharing some behind the scenes of my own relationship. In fact, I finished up, I wrapped up the recording of the interview. I went downstairs and I said to John, I go, did you hear everything that I said in this episode?

And he’s like, I caught some pieces of it. I was like, did I go, did I give way too much information? And he said, Neil, what people need to hear these kinds of things. People need to feel more open about having these conversations. And the truth is Dr. Sonja, right? Who I have on the show today was so open and so easy to talk to,

which is part of the reason, quite frankly, why I chose her. There’s a lot of sex counselors out there. And I wanted someone who understands who we are in the phase of life, where we are. And I know a lot about you based off the emails that you send to me, which I love. And then based off the interactions we have in Intentional Advantage lives,

and then also from your survey results. And I didn’t want to have somebody, no offense to the 20 year old sex counselors out there, but who was going to talk to us who doesn’t understand what it’s like with the complications of maybe being even premarital menopausal, which is where I am in my own body’s journey with kids, with young kids, with older kids and all of those things.

So we are going there today with Dr. Sonia, right? And we’re going to use words like penis. We’re going to use the word vagina. We’re going to use those words. We’re going to talk about scheduling sex. We are, we’re going to talk about the orgasm myth to do this sex. We’re going to talk about so much more before we dive into it though.

Let me give you a quick little background on Dr. Sonya. So Dr. Sonia Wright is a board certified radiologist, and she’s a trained sexual counselor. She’s on a mission to help women embrace their sexuality, as well as in the emotional pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties. She believes wholeheartedly that all women deserve to experience pleasurable sexual intimacy. She has this amazing natural ability to put people at ease,

even while we’re discussing sensitive things like sex, like problems in our sex lives or difficulties. And she takes this natural ability with her medical background or no medical knowledge to create these unique conversations about sex. Dr. Sonia is going to inspire you to view sexuality and your sexual intimacy in a whole new way. Truly it is possible to address some of the difficulties you may be experiencing with sex without guilt,

without shame. So I’m so excited about today’s show, even though I think maybe I overshared you don’t have to let me know, but let’s go ahead and dive into this conversation with Dr. Sonia, Dr. Sonia, we are so excited about this conversation that we’re going to have today. I know that when I say we, I’m not just talking about me,

even though I’m excited, I know that my listeners are because I teased this weeks ago back during our last Intentional Advantage life and the reactions to having a podcast episode where we’re talking about sex was overwhelming. And so I’m so thrilled to have you here today. You know, I’m pretty excited to do this podcast to tag them just as much as you and all your listeners and so happy to be here.

Thank you. I consider this an honor that you had asked me to come and talk about sex, which I love talking about. So let’s do it. Well, I love that you love talking about sex. I think this is a thing is, you know, we have not really dived into, let’s say the logistics of sex on the show before.

And I, I think part of it is because people feel like it’s maybe an uncomfortable conversation or it’s filled with a lot of shame or a lot of guilt, or it’s one of those things where we, we just don’t talk about, we just, we do the things we do and we, we just, we just assume that they’re okay. And if it’s not okay,

we’re just it’ll work. Right. Why do you think it is that it’s? So it’s something that people are afraid to really come out and talk about a lot. You know what I think it is? I think it’s because society has this unrealistic idea around sex and sexual intimacy, and it’s kind of shoved in our face in so many different ways. You know,

it could be a romantic novel, it could be pornography. It could be the happy ever after whatever it is. Like, there’s a way that it’s supposed to happen. And if what we’re doing does not align with what we’ve been told, which let me just tell you, it’s basically all myths, but if it doesn’t align exactly the way that we’re thinking it should be,

then instead of thinking, there’s something wrong with this model that doesn’t work for the majority of people, we think there’s something wrong with us. And then we go to this place of shame and where you’re coming from a place of shame. You just, you don’t feel like you can talk about it. Yeah. Well, in the season we’re really talking about reclaiming our power and we certainly cannot reclaim our power if we’re feeling shame and we’re afraid to talk about it.

And I think that’s, that’s one of the things that happens. I love what you said there about the sheds of what sex should look like or what intimacy is supposed to be. I do think that for most of us, 99% of what we learn about sex is from the movies. We’re not just talking about pornography, although that is definitely an educational vehicle for that Or any of those things.

Like it is like sex takes about three minutes. It’s like, boom, boom, boom, detainees, orgasm. Everybody’s happy. Everybody looks beautiful and perfect. Everybody’s a size two. And you know, the men are tall and gorgeous and the women, you know, and, and there’s Strange noises, Right? Yeah. There’s so many things that could make you be like,

I’m already tired. I’m already tired. So I think I’ll just go to bed. Yeah. I’m just tired of thinking about it. We’ll just not tonight. Yeah. I think that’s true. I mean, there aren’t there, so there can be some awkwardness that comes with it with the way we move and the, the sounds and the, all of it can make you a little bit self-conscious.

And a lot of that, that we learn, I would say probably most of it is not real, just like the romantic comedies. That’s not real. And yet we take it as real, I think even there where you talked about this idea of, you know, the, the simultaneous orgasm, like that’s, if we’re not both doing that, then this wasn’t done right.

Or this is not correct. And I know that you said before that it’s a myth that we should focus on an orgasm. Can we talk about that? That’s a myth that that’s, that’s like the end all be all of what we’re looking for. Yeah. You know, when I talk about sexual intimacy, first of all, like when we define sexual intimacy,

it’s not this heteronormative concept of penis and vagina sex, and yes, I will say the words. So we might as well get you and all the listeners comfortable with the words that are going to be coming out of my mouth, Right? Yes. Okay. That’s the thing is we’re afraid to even use the real words with ourselves or with our friends,

right. Let’s just say penis, vagina, clearest. We can say those words in fact, you know, say it out loud right now, unless you’re at work, which would be totally inappropriate. But I mean, it’s okay to say these words, Casey, that’s the first level of shame that we need. If we can’t even name it, how were you begin to talk about the act?

We’re, can’t even talk about the parts that are involved. Right. So true. It’s so true. So when we’re talking about like sexual intimacy, we get to be creative and gets to be anything that you choose sexual intimacy to be as lines it’s with adults and it’s consenting and you know, it’s something pleasurable. So I focus on the pleasure aspect of it.

And when I talk about sexual intimacy, I put the, I call it Dr. Sardius triad or sexual intimacy. And I put the focus on connection and satisfaction and pleasure because when we talk about orgasms, orgasms are great. Right. And so, yeah, add an orgasm. And if you want to, but sometimes we don’t necessarily want to, maybe sometimes we want the connection there,

or sometimes we’re up in our mind so much about, I can’t have an orgasm or I’m taking too long to have an orgasm or whatever, our thoughts that we no longer are in the moment and enjoying ourselves. Now we’re in like this performance, anxiety side of things, like we’re up on a stage, right? We’re not in our body. If we’re worrying about what do I look like when I’m having an orgasm?

Am I taking too long to have an orgasm? Is this the right way to have an orgasm? Other people don’t have it the way I do, like give yourself permission to have it, whatever way you want to, but focus on that connection, satisfaction and pleasure and get away from it has to be a certain way. Oh, it was really interesting that you said there was sometimes we don’t want to have an orgasm.

And I think people are like, what is that? Is that okay? Because it’s like, well, that’s not what you’re looking for. I love that idea of pleasure, connection and satisfaction. Right? Those, those three things that we’re looking for that are outside of just in that one moment or the multiple moments, depending on what’s happening of orgasm.

I really, I love that. It’s, it’s like permission to be okay with not having the orgasm, that that’s not the end all be all right. Because if we decide that we’re going define like a good sexual intimacy episode as it did we come or not that I think we’re missing out on the purpose, you know, yes, pleasure is involved,

but you can have the quickest quickie in the world and have an orgasm, but not necessarily necessarily feel that connection or anything. And it was too rushed or whatever, and focus on what exactly you want to create sometimes. Yeah, you do want that orgasm and I’m all for it. Go for it. But sometimes you want a connection with yourself. Obviously,

first, I always talk about your relationship with yourself as a sexual being is like key and the most important aspect, and then your relationship and connection with somebody else. It’s also equally important. If you choose to honor yourself and others by sharing your body, right? Yes. But when we put the focus only, and we define like good sex, as there has to be an orgasm,

I just think that we lose so much of the nuance of the beauty of the connection that’s there. Yes. I think that’s so true. And interestingly enough, you know, I send out surveys all the time to my listeners, asking what they want to talk about on the, you want me to talk about on the podcast and what conversations they want to have.

And inevitably, every single time I get questions about how do you actually make time to have sex with your husband? How many times a week do you have sex with your husband? And I’m not going to answer that question here. I’m sorry. Some things are not for public disclosure, but that whole idea of redefining what sex is because to me, sex with my husband is not just,

like you said, orgasming, it’s sometimes making out in the pantry. Sometimes it’s, you know, doing things in the hallway. Sometimes it’s these stolen moments that are really deepening that connection and it doesn’t have to be penis vagina for it to be sex. Right. That it’s about that deeper connection. I think that’s, I think that’s so key for people to internalize and really allow themselves to redefine what that looks like.

Yeah. I think that that is key. Like when we sit there and we have this narrative that somebody else has given us and we don’t fit the narrative, then we’re like all stressed out about it. And we’re not really valuing what connection that we have. So when I talk about like scheduling and things like that, I don’t put the focus on penetrative sex,

but I know a lot of other people do put the focus on that. Right. And sometimes we may have a partner that’s very focused on penetrative sex. Right. So yes, that will be in the mix. So I say, if it’s something that you two or more are going to define as to how often you’d like to have sexual intimacy in the month,

then put like a minimum amount and do it over a month period of time. Not specifically, like it has to be three times a week. Cause sometimes that that week might be a really stressful busy week. And then when you start to add in sex and you’re not really wanting to do it, then I call it to-do list sex. Like it’s sex that you’re putting on right after taking out the trash.

And you’re not that into it. So look at it like an Average grocery. I need to take out the trash, I need to have sex And have sex. Okay. All right. Oh, I do that presentation for work as well. And the odds are while you’re having such a thinking about that presentation for work, because you put it on your to-do list,

you didn’t put it on your pleasure list. Yeah. I like that. And I think part of it is, well, well, let’s talk about that idea of scheduling sex, because I think that we feel like, well, does that take away from all of the quote unquote magic of sex? Or does that make it not right? Or is that going to feel robotic,

but you’re an advocate for yeah. Feel free to schedule sex. Could let let’s dive into that because I want to talk about why scheduling sex is not a give up because I think that’s what people assume. Like if it’s not this beautiful, natural thing with intimacy that it just happens like in a movie, right. Then it’s somehow not right. Or it’s wrong.

So let’s, let’s dive into this idea of scheduling sex and why it’s good. Yeah. So if you could just give up all these ideas of what it has to be and look, cause while we’re waiting for it to be spontaneous, there’s no sex happening. We’re like, oh, it’s gotta be spontaneous. I am not going to schedule that. If I scheduled it would probably happen,

but I am not scheduling that because it is not spontaneous and that’s not romantic. So I’m going to wait for it to be spontaneous. And the end of the month comes. You’re like, well, yeah, I didn’t have time. Well time next month to be spontaneous. Right. Or you could be like, there’s nothing wrong with scheduling and scheduling allows it to actually happen,

which makes sure that there’s a connection that occurs. And my relationship remains strong. Right. So you get to look at it. And then I love the people that are like, oh, when I was single, it was just spontaneous and wonderful. And I was like, is that really true? Because when you were single, you’re like, I’m going to have a date on Friday night,

you scheduled that date and you knew that something wasn’t going to be happening. Right. You’re like, you made sure everything was right. You shaved your legs, you did everything, you’re scheduling sex. Right. But it wasn’t called that God forbid. And for some reason it got this label of being spontaneous. It doesn’t have to be, and it usually wasn’t to begin with.

Right. But now that we’re living together or whatever, then we think that it has to be spontaneous. I would prefer I’m going to sit in the camp or I’d like to get it done as opposed to it’s to be spontaneous and wonderful and all this stuff that somebody wants to sell me and nothing’s happening. Right. Yeah. Because you’re right. It’s one of those things where like anything else,

if we don’t have a plan for it, it just doesn’t, it gets pushed to the end of this food list. It’s like, oh, later it will be spontaneous when I’m not tired. When is that going to happen? Especially if you have kids. Right. And I think this is one of the things is people feel like, oh, it’s so hard.

When you have small kids, you have so much going on. And so you just don’t have time. I’ll do, I’ll have sex. When I, when the kids get older and I’m here to tell you, it gets harder when they get older, they know what that locked door means. There’s no question about what those, you can’t make up stories anymore about what noises are.

And so this is the thing it’s like, if you want to pour into your relationship, and again, I’m going back to that whole idea that you talked about with redefining, what sex is that it’s about the intimacy. It’s about the connection. It’s about the satisfaction. And it’s not necessarily slot a fits into point B, right? Like it’s, it’s very free and open and loose that interpretation.

And we can, we let go of that a little bit. I definitions Let’s have some fun with this, so yeah. You can schedule like the minimum amount of penetrative sex and then I call it the sexual smorgasbord. You, you have various places in your house where you get to do your like spice it up type of things that are going on too.

Right? So like you have the minimum penetrative sex, if that’s what you want. And then you add on, in addition to that, you add on those special moments of touch and pleasure and fun. They may not take very long and you can always say, Hey, I’ve got 10 minutes. What do you want to do? Right? Or I’d love to make out session,

but I’m really not in the mood for full penetrative sex. There’s so many, especially women that think that they can’t say that I won’t give themselves permission to be like, this is what I’m up for. And this is what I’m not necessarily out for. And so, because they don’t give themselves permission to define sexual intimacy as a number of different things.

And they don’t give themselves permission to set boundaries around what it is that, you know, if they have a project that’s due tomorrow or something, you know, something that’s going to take their time and energy and they don’t have time for an hour long session, but they would like some intimacy then, then name it and, and ask for what you want.

It’s okay to ask for what you want. Let’s talk about that. I want to talk about that in just a moment, asking for what you want, having the conversations. Let’s do that in just a second. The Intentional Advantage life is happening May 18th. This is our live free event that I have started doing this year. Since I went off social media and I have thoroughly enjoyed it is so nice to get to connect with you,

to answer your questions and to just feel like we’re girlfriends hanging out, you know, and, and talking about different aspects of your life. Now, normally with the Intentional Advantage live, I show up with no agenda, no pre-dawn questions, no thoughts about where we’re going to go. You guys drive that conversation. We’re going to do things a little differently for this May 18th,

Intentional Advantage live Dr. Sonia, who we have on the show today has agreed to join us. And we’re going to be going deeper into this conversation about sex confidence. We’re going to have a way for you to post your own questions and even be able to share them anonymously. So you can ask anonymous questions to Dr. Sonya, to get your questions answered about sex with kids,

with kids at home, whatever it is you’re struggling with. We’re going to talk about during our next Intentional Advantage live. So go to Tanya dalton.com/live to sign up, to be able to join us. And even if you can’t join us live, if you sign up there, I’ll make sure you get a replay and you can even submit questions ahead of time.

If you aren’t going to be able to join us, but you want to have your questions about sex answered. Feel free to email those to us. So head to Tanya dalton.com/live, I would love to see you there on May 18th. So let’s talk about that, asking for what you want, what a novel concept that is, right. It is, especially for women,

you know, it’s one of those things that we haven’t been taught to ask for what we haven’t been allowed to ask for what we want sexually, like a good girl, doesn’t ask for that. Right? And we actually, we don’t, when we’re talking about empowerment, we don’t necessarily have empowerment, like owning our own sexuality and being in our own body and really knowing what that’s about.

To a certain extent, we have expected our partners to know more about our bodies than we know about ourselves. And then if somebody else knows more about you, your body, your sexuality than, you know, then, then you don’t have that empowerment. Then you don’t feel that you can ask for what you want. Cause you don’t even know what you want.

Right. Right. Part of this, when we’re like, before we even get to the point where we’re asking for what we want, we need to figure out our own body self-pleasure is where it’s at. Like everybody gets to give themselves permission for self power, self pleasure, because that’s where you figure out, oh, I don’t like this touch, but I do like this touch your partners over.

They’re trying their best, but they don’t know your body and they don’t have the immediate feedback. Right. So they’re like when they touch here, right. And then they don’t understand. And maybe the nuance of the pressure and the touch and things like that. So everything’s like post Button pushing. It’s just pushing the button, which is what we have to communicate.

Right. And this too is why ladies? We’re just going to say it here. Faking the orgasm is doing yourself a disservice Please. Don’t. But if you have, if you have faith in the past, it’s okay. Let me tell you what you say when you decide that it’s time to ask for what you want. You just as simply one,

you blame it on Dr. Sonia, I give all of you free reign to blame it on me too. You said like I listened to Dr. Sonia on this podcast and she was saying how our bodies change over time. And as our bodies change over time, things that previously brought us pleasure and stimulated us do not necessarily work this way now. And I’m finding that my body’s changing.

So what I thought I liked in the past is not necessarily what I like now. And I’m going to be exploring more about my body to figure out what it is that I like. And I would love to kind of like share this with you and do this as a team and really figure it out. That’s all you have to say. You don’t necessarily have to say I’ve been faking guess since the last 10 years,

That’s not going to help. No. Can we just tell you right now, pause. The podcast hit the backup 32nd marsh, right? Like on your podcast player, listen to what Dr. Sonia just said, right? She just gave you a script for how you can have this conversation with your significant, other about how you can really open up the conversation about what it is you want.

And I can promise you, if you say to your significant other, if you say to them, I’m I want to explore what is pleasurable. You know what they’re going to, oh, I’m here for that. I’m here for that. I’m ready for that. You tell me what you want because you’re right. They don’t have the feedback. They don’t know what you like.

And if you’ve been faking, they think you like one thing. And you’re like, I hate that thing that he does, or she does, or whoever it is. Right. I don’t like that thing, but you’ve been telling them all along that you do. So what a great way to reset and get that conversation going. I think that that is so amazing.

I think you just gave us exactly what we needed the keys to really start unlocking these conversations, because that’s a big part of it. Isn’t it really communicating with our partners, really communicating even with ourselves And also recognize that this communication is not a one and done. You will likely have to talk again about this and give feedback. And, and if both of you or all of you,

whoever come together from this place, that it’s okay to give feedback. It’s okay to hear. It’s not a criticism specifically against the person. It’s more like, this is what I’d like, and we’re going to explore this together now. And it’s also okay. If our feelings get a little hurt because we get to look at like the big picture, you know,

like if our partner gets a little hurt, that’s their feelings and it’s okay. They can get hurt, but they will also probably come to this place where like, okay, my feelings are hurt, but I really do want to figure out this text thing. Right? So, but if we stop at the point where we’re like, oh my goodness,

their feelings are going to get hurt. And so we’re not going to say anything. If you’re going to live to 95, the odds are how many more years of this sexual intimacy do have ahead of you. This is the question that I always ask. Now, if you’re 40, then you’ve got 55 more years. Is this how you plan to do it?

Are you okay with a little bit of hurt feelings so that it can get sorted out? So you two or three or whoever will have more of what it is that you want in the future. If, if you have more pleasurable intimacy, the odds are, you’re going to have more intimacy. If you don’t have pleasurable intimacy, the odds are between your forties and sixties.

It’s going to Peter out in some way. And you’re going to be looking at each other. Like, I don’t know what happened. I think that’s so true. And I love that. You’re saying that it’s a continual conversation because it is, and there are going to be hurt feelings from time to time. Everything you want is on the other side of a difficult five minute conversation.

Once you get over that five minute hump, it’s all, it’s easy. It’s so much easier. It’s bringing it up. It’s starting that conversation. But if you have 55 years of great sex ahead of you, man, that five minutes was a great investment. Definitely. That could be everything that switches and changes for you. But even this idea that the communication isn’t a,

okay, we’re going to have this conversation now and it’s going to, and that’s it. We’re done. It’s that continual conversation, even as you were talking about earlier, communicating, Hey, I’ve got 10 minutes first. I want to mess around like let’s, let’s mess around. I think sometimes we think that if we mess around, that means it has to end in sex otherwise.

Right? What was the point? But if you communicate that ahead of time, I mean, John and I do this, this thing where if we’re watching a TV show where we just make out during the commercials, so every commercial break we make out, and then as soon as the show comes back on, we stop, which is kind of a funny thing because you’re like,

you get excited and then you pull back and then you go back for it. And so it’s like adding a little bit of like, that’s a little bit of spontaneity. I don’t know when the commercials are coming, but it adds a little bit of fun and interest into Thursday night, right? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And a couple more points on that.

One thing is that when we’re concerned about this, like we don’t have to come at our partner. Like they get home from work, they’re exhausted and tired. And you’ve been thinking about it for the last two weeks and you’ll hop on them and you’re like, I got to talk about sex. Now. You don’t have to do that. You could be more like,

I’d really like to have a conversation about the sexual intimacy at some point, but I want to make sure it’s like a time that’s good for both of us. So if you can kind of let me know what might work and then it, you know, when it’s a good time we can talk about it, then that way you’re not like broadsided, not me at all.

You give them a chance to be like, oh, okay, I need to be rested. Or I need to be okay and not need to be defensive because in the long run, this is going to work out best. Right. And then I also have, if you happen to have a partner that has a penis, there’s this concept of blue balls.

And then women will be like, I can’t do this, anything short of penetrative sex, because then my partner is going to be upset and I don’t want them to be upset. This goes back to like hurt feelings type of things. So I’m not going to right. And so then they ended up getting nothing. So, and if you have a partner that tends to like initially be a huffy upset type of individual at the beginning,

let them be happy and upset. But also explain to them, if we can figure this out in the long run, you’re going to get more sexual intimacy in one way or another. And it doesn’t mean that just because it ends there that you have to sit with your blue balls, it could mean that then you could go off and have a nice masturbation session or something,

or I hold you and we cuddle and you do something, you know, there’s different options out there. But if we’re concerned about not happiness and people being upset, then we’re just going to stay exactly where we are. I like that. I think that’s exactly right. Nothing’s going to change unless you create that change. Right. And so we’ve gotten the script,

I think too. And I actually, in last week’s email, I sent out some, some resources of some shows, some, you know, on Netflix and some, some things that you can watch that are great to say, Hey, let’s watch this together. And then let’s get the conversation going. I have found that has worked amazingly for us,

where it’s like, we watch a show together that gives us a little bit of information. And then I’m like, wow, this is, they were talking about things that I had dealt, shaped body shame issues. Right? Why I sometimes worry about how my body looks in different ways or, and it starts this conversation. That’s so much easier because it started by watching a show together.

And I can tell you this, you tell your significant other, Hey, I want to watch a show about sex. They are like, I’m here for that. Yeah. Tell me what time. Right? I do want to just address this issue around the body shaming that we had, that women specifically have men have it too, but definitely a lot of women,

because like society also says that you have to be a certain size and a certain age, a certain color. It shouldn’t look in order to be okay to authorize for sex. Right. But our bodies are changing from day one, you know, until we’re 95, it’s always going to be changing. And honestly, this is where my life coaching stuff comes in when we’re worried about our body and stuff like that.

And we’re thinking our partner doesn’t find this attractive as it it’s really, it’s not about our partner. Because if we ask our partner, our partner is like, you are gorgeous. I’m just so lucky to touch it, but we won’t let them touch us. We’re like, oh, don’t touch my tummy. Like the poor people. Like I like to touch your hair,

but I’m not sure if you’re let me, I’d like to touch your arm. And you’re like, no, that’s my wiggly on me. Like, I’d like to touch your tummy now. So it’s really about ourselves and our belief system. And recognizing that we, our bodies, no matter what size shape or what it looks like is really gorgeous and amazing and made for pleasure.

And we don’t have to subscribe to these ideas that there’s only one type that’s allowed to be sexual in nature. And it really is around our thoughts. And we get to spend time looking at what we think about our body and getting in alignment with loving ourselves and recognizing that our body is as beautiful. Oh, absolutely. It’s easy to say hard to do.

Right. It’s easy to say hard to do because it is, it’s about getting out of, and this is the thing that I have really learned recently is it is getting out of your head and into your body. In fact, for me, when I am, we’ll say priming for, for sex or I’m ready for intimacy, I literally have started saying to myself,

okay, get into your body, Tanya, out of your head and into your body. And just kind of getting myself where I’m like, okay, this is not about what I’m thinking or the to-do list of what’s going on and what I need to do. And this is about being in my body and allowing pleasure to be something that I’m accepting. And I’m not just accepting,

but I’m welcoming and, and really excited about exploring, right? Yeah. Yeah. And that is so beautiful that you, you have that ability to know yourself and know, you know, what you need or where you need to be. And your awareness seems to be about your body in order to be welcoming and, and interested in sexual intimacy. And then there’s people that have this concept around libido.

Like, you know, we talk about sex has to be spontaneous. Libido has to be spontaneous as well, but the majority of women, 70% of women are in a more responsive place, which is their libido’s response. That they’re coming from a place of neutrality where they’re not like hot and heavy for sex. And so they think that because maybe in the past they were hot and heavy for sex.

And now they’re coming from this place of neutrality where they could have intimacy or they could do the dishes, you know, and either one would be fine. And actually at the end of doing the dishes, you have a stack of clean dishes, right? It’s like, yes, it’s more productive in some ways, but they don’t recognize the productivity that comes from the connection with your partner.

But I just want to say that women are not broken. 70% of women are coming from this place, but we have this belief that it’s supposed to be spontaneous. And that’s the only way it should be. And if it doesn’t, if it isn’t that way, then something has happened to us. And so I just want to take a minute to say,

there’s nothing wrong with you. And, and, and you have figured that out, you have figured out what it is that I need to get into that place. And that’s really what a lot of the, if you’re more in a respect of a responsive type of libido place, then it is more about figuring out how do I get into my body?

How do I tap into that sexuality? Yeah. And, and the thing is, is when I first started exploring a lot of this, I was having to say that regularly, I’m at be in your body, be in your body. And then I no longer had to say it anymore. Right? Like I don’t have to say it. Sometimes.

I still do where I’m like, Hey, be here, be present. Right. Focus in on your body. But it is, it’s an amazing thing, how your mind works, that you’re like, okay, I’m going to be here for the pleasure. And that’s, that is such a gift, not just for you, but for your significant other and your relationship.

And it just creates so much. I don’t know. I’m not even sure what the word I’m looking for here is, but so much joy and happiness in the life that we’re living, right? Like to live fully all out in all areas of our lives. That’s really what we’re claiming your power is about. I Think. Yes. Well, I love what you said,

everything you said here is amazing. And I have to tell you guys, Dr. Sonia, and I’ll talk about this more in the closing, but she has very generously offered to show up for our next Intentional Advantage live, where she’s gonna be able to answer y’all’s questions. So you’re going to be able to ask questions. We’ll do, we’ll figure out a way,

so you can ask anonymously if you want to, because that’s okay too. We get that, but we’re going to, we’re going to have Dr. 70 show up for, you’ll be my first guest on an Intentional Advantage live, which I’m excited about because the response to you coming on the show, as I talked about it in the last Intentional Advantage life,

people were excited. They were like this, this is what I need. And I think this is a thing that people are looking for is it’s okay to have these conversations about sex. And as you said, you’re not broken. I love that. I love for you to leave our listeners today with, with one piece of advice, one, one thing that would really help them.

I think that would be really powerful. I think the one thing that would help would be to give yourself permission, to explore this more, explore what your thoughts are around sexual intimacy, explore what your fears are, because sometimes we have to go to that place, our worst fear, and then we can look at it and see, is this the truth?

This is something that would actually happen. And if we can look at what our worst fear is, then we can kind of bring back and be like, oh, that’s not likely to happen. Let me work on this. Let me work on the sexual interests. You let me start talking about it. Let me start seeing what it is that my body enjoys.

Let me start for the next 50 years of sexual intimacy that I deserve to have in my life. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I love it. Dr. Sonia, where can everyone find you? Where’s the, where’s the best place for everyone to connect with you, connect with your work. I know that you have amazing programs, so where’s the best place for them to find you?

Yeah, the best place for them to find me is on my website. You can connect to everything from there and that would be Sonia, right? md.com. That’s easiest place to find me. And we’ll have that all in the show notes. And from there, you can see my Facebook, my Instagram and everything, and my programs on your sexuality now.

So I’m definitely, that’s a great and my podcast as well. Ah, thank you so much for coming on. Today’s show. I am excited for you to come for the Intentional Advantage life as well. Thank you so much, Sonia. I feel like you have, you’ve just imparted so much knowledge and wisdom and permission for us today, which I am so grateful for.

So thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you. All right. How you feel. I have to be honest. I feel amazing. And I feel thrilled with how we left this conversation. I really am. And what I think is amazing is that we’re going to be able to continue this conversation with you at our next Intentional Advantage live.

I’m sure you noticed in that little mid episode break, where I shared that our next Intentional Advantage live is happening May 18th and Dr. Sonya is going to be joining us. I really felt like I wanted you to be able to ask her the questions I was able to ask her. And so I’m going to do this so that you’re even able to ask your questions anonymously.

So if you want to get your questions answered about sex, anything we talked about here today or anything we didn’t talk about here today, that is something that is a stumbling block for you or an issue or something you’ve been thinking about. Come to this Intentional Advantage live. It’s going to be very different. I’m so excited to have my first guest for one of these Intentional Advantage lives,

but I really feel like it’s a great opportunity for you to talk to a professional counselor and get your questions answered. I want you to feel more confident, sexually with your pleasure. I want you to feel more confident all areas of your life. Simply head to Tanya dalton.com/live to sign up, to join us on May 18th. And if you can’t show up live,

it’s okay. You can always email me your questions. If you sign up there, you can go ahead and reply to the email. I send, send us your question and I’ll make sure you get a copy of the replay. All right? Because I want you to feel more competent. And that’s what I enjoyed about today’s conversation. And this is the thing is if you like today’s show,

if you want to see more of these kinds of topics covered this kind of discussion happening, you need to let me know, send me an email, send me a note. Tell me what you think of this, because I really do feel like we talked about a lot of important things today broke through maybe some walls you’ve been experiencing or some things that have held you back.

I want you to feel confident stepping forward. So here’s what I would like to challenge you to do. I would love to challenge you to send a screenshot of today’s episode to a friend who may really appreciate this conversation as well. Somebody that you know, that you’re good friends with, you might say, Hey, this is what I listened to on Tanya show today.

I found it really insightful. Let’s talk about that script. I mean that script that Dr. Sodi gave us incredible, right? That’s a resource we should share with a friend. So take a quick screenshot, send a text message to a friend. They’re going to appreciate it. And I’m the truth is I’ll appreciate it too. I love for you to spread the word about the podcast,

because really at the heart of everything I do, it’s about getting you to show up in your life with confidence. And when we can do that, when we can step into pleasure, when we can step into who we are sexually, we can do just about anything. And when you have that confidence, that’s when you’ve got the Intentional Advantage. Thanks so much for joining me today.

Quick question though, before you go, do you like prizes? When you leave a rating and review of the Intentional Advantage podcast, you’ll be entered to win my life changing course, multiplying your time. Simply leave the review and then send me an email@helloatTanyadalton.com with a screenshot. I choose one winner at the end of every month. So go ahead. Do it right now.

Just a quick comment with what you loved about this episode or the show in general and a rating and send it our way. Not going to lie by stars is my favorite, but I’d love to hear what you think of the show. And if that’s not enough of an incentive for you to win the multiplying your time course, I have to tell you the reviews are the number one thing that supports this podcast.

And me, it’s the best way to spread the word and get business tips and strategies to all those other women out there who need it. So there you go to great reasons for you to go and leave a review right now. So go ahead and do it, send that screenshot my way, because I want to give you a free course. And thanks again for listening today.

I’ll be back next Tuesday and I’ll plan to see you then.

 

**This productivity podcast episode is transcribed using AI.

Tanya Dalton is a top rated productivity podcast host, best selling author and female keynote speaker. As a woman she has a unique perspective when it comes to time management, goal setting, finding balance and habits.

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